Lewd Acts of the Apostles

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St Paul Exposing Himself to the Sanhedrin.


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Lewd Acts of the Apostles.

“My old religious instuction teacher could quote you Lewd Acts backwards...”

As part of the New Testament Apocrypha Lewd Acts of the Apostles was a popular book within the Bible amongst early Christians. It is thought by Biblical Scholars to have been first written between 65 and 100 AD. The book remained a standard part of the New Testament until the First Council of Nicaea in 325AD when it was removed due to Constantine's dislike of the word "buttocks".

Lewd Acts tells the stories of the Apostolic Age, which the Christian Church most want people to forget. Aside from the molestation of children, the wars, Crusades, burning innocent witches, etc.


The Book of Lewd Acts is actually a collection of several stories, with most beginning shortly before the Pentecost. It is almost universally agreed that the author of Lewd Acts also wrote the Gospel of St Ignatius. It tells primarily of the Apostles, and the lewd acts which they performed in attempts to garner followers.

It begins with the following passage:

While most of the stories contained within the Book of Lewd Acts were originally removed from the bible, many were reintegrated into other parts. One such example is Revelations 22:7, which consists of a slightly modified quote from Jesus, which originally said "Behold, I cum quickly: blessed is he that keepeth the faith while he waits for orgasm."


  • The Last Bachelor Party
  • Perversion of Saul
  • Urination on the Dead
  • Submission of Barnabus and Saul
  • Bestiality of John the Baptist
  • Masturbation of Matthew by Mark, Luke and John
  • Masochism of Simon, the Zealot
  • Miracle of the Girlie-Mag
  • Letter to the Sodomites
  • Second Coming of Christ

The Last Bachelor Party

And Judith Priest danced in front of the others, but only for Him...

Studied by Biblical Scholars and imagined by scores of artists from Medieval times to the modern world, the Last Bachelor Party is generally regarded as the most honest accounting of last partying of Jesus Christ.

The Last Bachelor Party is best remembered as an insight into the Early Church's view of the Communion Rite, including an alternative interpretation of the "eat of my flesh" Biblical quotation.

The Masochism of Simon, the Zealot

One of the most prominent and widely quoted books within Lewd Acts is that of The Masochism of Simon the Zealot. Master Eckhart, in his sermon on Sin and Redemption, quoted exclusively from The Masochism, stating that it was a template for all men to follow that allowed for a personal and immediate relationship with God.

And just as Simon reveled in pain of the lash, so too many modern-day Catholics continue to focus on the format of the Stations of the Cross as a method to attain spiritual and sexual release. Through meditating upon the chief scenes of Christ's sufferings it has long been held that true adherents may suffer a "little death".

Masturbation of Matthew by Mark, Luke and John

Children were sold to priests in exchange for universal forgiveness during the early middle ages, following the commandment "suffer little children".

The root of this act is believed to be the Golden Rule, which commands that one should "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

Indeed during one of the many Church Sex Scandals of 2000, one Boston, Massachusetts priest attempted to introduce the Masturbation of Matthew by Mark, Luke and John into evidence for himself, and was thus found not guilty of having an affair with an underage organ grinder's monkey.

Miracle of the Girlie-Mag

As Paul travelled amongst the people, he detailed a number of miracles that he had vaguely heard about, mostly second-hand tales from people who knew someone who knew Jesus personally.

Letters to the Sodomites

Many a topic of many a sermon by many a preacher revolves around Paul's Letters to the Sodomites. Perhaps the most well-known letter is the third, which Paul begins as such:

Eventually, Paul's letters take a turn for the submissive, although not before he expresses his great hope "that you, my brothers and sisters, will take the Lord's word into your life, just as you have taken my member into your many orifices." Paul would later be martyred when he was beaten to death by a stone representation of the great pagan god Priapus.

Lewd Acts within Popular Culture

Bernadette of Lourdes. BDSM slut.

  • It has been announced that a film version of the Lewd Acts of the Apostles is to be released in 2009 co-written, co-produced and co-directed by Mel Gibson. Described as his most shocking work since 1990s "Bird On A Wire" which featured Goldie Hawn, it will star Jenna Jameson and Buck Naked, among others.
  • The Feast of the Immaculate Contraception has become long since become dogma within the Catholic Church. In 1858, teenage French nympette Bernadette of Lourdes is believed to have seen a vision of Mary, Mother of God, with a crown of stars and nipple rings, as described in Lewd Acts of the Apostles 21:12.
  • Johnny Cash's 1963 hit "Ring of Fire" is believed to be based on Lewd Acts of the Apostles 4:1-22.

See Also

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