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"Semen" redirects here. For other uses, see Semen (disambiguation).

“I've a perfect mania for the sticky stuff. It's good protein too, or so I've heard.”

~ Oscar Wilde on nutrition

“Finger-licking good!”

“I aim to please.”

~ Peter North on cum
Don't act so shocked, you knew what this page would be!

Cum is a portmanteau word formed from curry and mayonnaise. This description was probably invented in a short wave of total madness by a person who was obsessed by really dirty things.

Cum is a condiment which is often consumed with fries, but also tastes quite well with a broodje frikandel. Its colors range from white/red to some sort of pink.

In pornography, one regularly uses cum. While most people think it is a biological liquid produced by humanoids, it is still the mixture of curry and mayonnaise. Why cum is used in porn-movies is the subject for ongoing research at Johns Hopkins, in Baltimore, Maryland; one theory suggests that it is because cum shares the same texture as the biological liquid that it is frequently confused with.

It is also the main ingredient of a pearl necklace.

Cum as a conflation

Things to cum over.

'Cum' may be used instead of 'come' where there is a sexual facet to the sentence. Usage: Priest to Chorus boy "Cum into the cassockry, little boy".

If used in non-sexual situations, this can potentially cause embarrassment and misunderstanding, as in, "Honey, my parents are cumming for dinner on Friday", or "Sorry I'm so late, Boss - I was waiting forever for a taxi to cum". However, when used verbally (since 'come' and 'cum' sound virtually identical) this is not usually detected, apart from thirteen-year-old kids who also enjoy any reference to the number 69 and spend way too much time on Uranus.

Cum as a moisturizing cream

Cum has long been used as a moisturizer. Often it is applied to the face in quick bursts. Cum is also used as a natural hair conditioner by leading salons. Its natural proteins work to strengthen the roots of the hair. It has been known to prevent baldness, as well as fortify nostril and ear canal hair follicles. One catch-22 about using cum as a moisturizer is that you often first need ample moisture to produce cum, hence the dilemma. Scientists have proven that the protein in the cum help moisturize the skin.


Cum as a nation

The country of Cum was an ex-Soviet bloc country famous for its export of grass clippings to small Asian communities in Detroit. It was also in Cum that the original policies for the Soviet Union were thought out, and the political ideology of cummunism was born. Since breaking free of the Iron Curtain, Cum has seeped into every aspect of the global community. Cum is known for its fanatical worship of cheese graters, a touchy subject since the Korean War. A scandal recently developed when it was discovered that the French were messing with Cum in the lunchroom at a UN conference.

Cum as stuff you can eat

Big packages make it easy for a housewife to ingest her daily recommended value of the substance.

“It's a privilege to be served at such a fine hotel.”

Cum was officially approved by the FDA on April 1, 2001. Cum is something really healthy and delicious to eat, but it is rare to find a good supply as the demand is great. Just ask your mum how many men she had to milk in order to get her needs of nutrients while she was pregnant of you. It provides many nutrients by being a natural source of proteins, glucose and vitamins. It is also an optional source of vitamins H, I, V, and many others you would not want to hear about. Trust me.

Many people love to eat cum. Some however, make a big mess of it and get it all over their face, boobs, and ass. Interestingly, they then take pictures of this mishap and put it on the internet.

Two cum extractors.

Cum as made by cannibals

An often found form of cum is: Man Chowder. It is made by cannibals out of freshly ground men.

Your own cum as stuff you can eat

“When I can't find a quality lad to replenish me, I roll my own, as it were.”

~ Oscar Wilde on cum

“Wow...There really wasn't any joke in that was there?”

~ Me on the above quote

“Cum on!”

~ Random person speaking to another random person

Besides being the funniest way to feed yourself, your own cum is always a source of vitamins H, I, V and many others I would rather not talk about.

Instructions on how to obtain your own cum:

  1. Verify if you are alone;
  2. Lay down;
  3. Spread butter on your playground area (you don't want to proceed without it...);
  4. Shake your hands;
  5. Shake your legs;
  6. Shake your head;
  7. Voilá!! You now have a really tasteful cream already with a healthy gravy.

Also, your own cum is the best way to eat a lot (provided you can cum a lot) and not becoming fat, as you are exercising your arms at the same time you are ingesting the very same calories you just jerked off, see? Some environmentalists believe that this activity can be used as a new form of recycling. In fact, you lose weight by eating your own cum.

  • Note: Watch out for Ceiling Cat! Last thing you need is to let a cute little kitty watch you wank it.

Cum in fine arts

When He-Man isn't fighting Skeletor, he likes to squirt cum on people, especially Tom Cruise.

The 1973 band Slade made a fortune with Cum...on feel the noize!

'Cum' is also a popular song by the two-men formation Anuskanker. In 1993, the band received an Emmy-award for this cumposition.



Formed in 1966 as part of President Lyndon B. Johnson's Great Society reforms, the Council on Urban Matters, otherwise known as The CUM, was formed to look into urban matters. By 1975, however, the CUM, realizing they were dealing with a naughty acronym, reorganized as the Federal Urban Concerns Klan. And with that, the immature snickering ceased.

This acronym was then adopted by the Communauté Urbaine de Montréal, which used it to name various essential organs of municipal regional government, including la police de la CUM and la sociéte de transport de la CUM.

It has now fallen out of fashion.

Cum is also the English name for the national Japanese cheese, Jizz.

Cum is also a special delicacy in certain parts of the world.

Hillary Clinton told the nation on the YouTube debate, that she enjoyed eating her husband Bill Clinton's cum every night, when he lets her.

Causes of cum


Cum is believed to be caused by a condition known as 'arousal', which affects about one in every six males. To see an ejaculation sequence, go to Wikipedia and search for 'ejaculation' and watch the video there. If you are male, you will find this very educational, and it will help you learn better the functions of your body, and what occurs in your penis during ejaculation of semen. Oh also, you're totally f'g gay. Jack McFarland could kick your ass with his pinkie. Madonna wants to hire you as a dancer, and Koko has you on his 'Short List'. But hey, Madonna and Koko pay the big bucks, so it all works out. Symptoms of arousal include sweating, lack of concentration, detachment from surroundings, and an increased blood-flow to the genital region. Often this will cause swelling, and an urgent need to use the bathroom. Men in this state are said to be having some 'alone time'. During this period, the patient may make loud noises; such as grunts, moans, and sighs. Most bouts of arousal pass after about 10-15 minutes, but some can last for hours.

At the end of a bout, cum will generally be expelled, much like vomit from a sick stomach. A tissue is typically used to gather the cum, which is subsequently discarded. Certain types of magazines are also known to be handy for wiping away cum. Afterwards, she will tell you that "it could happen to anybody", and "you'll hold out next time".

(If there IS a next time! . . . . )

Just mumble something about how "it's been a long time", and turn on the TV.

This is not gratuitous at all!

See also