Zombie Christianity
Zombie Christianity is a distinct sect of Christianity which believes that Jesus Christ returned to the earth after his crucifixion not as the savior of mankind, but as a ravenous, brain eating zombie.
Sacred Imagery[edit | edit source]
Unfortunately, most examples of early Zombie Christian imagery were destroyed millions of years ago by revisionist Catholics after they signed the Easter Bunny to be the official spokesman of the murder of Jesus. However, a few Zombie Christian holy relics and icons can still be found today.
Cerebrum Sanctus[edit | edit source]
Cerebrum Sanctus, or "The Sacred Brains", is one of the most important images to believers of Zombie Christianity. Even as early as the 65th century AD, Zombie Christians often had the sacred brains painted on the sides of their mules and donkeys using a primitive form of airbrushing. It is also common to find this holy icon tattooed just above the crack on sorority girls in their sophomore year.
Piscis Pius Esurio[edit | edit source]
The "Holy, Hungry Fish" has been gaining popularity in recent years with more and more people attaching this emblem to the backs of their cars. To those unfamiliar with Zombie Christian scripture, the choice of a fish as a representation of the Zombie Christ may seem peculiar, but the explanation is quite simple:
Even after his Zombification, Zombie Jesus retained his ability to walk on water. He'd often use this power to stroll out on lakes to where children were swimming and would effortlessly crunch into their skulls as they bobbed above the waves. This technique has for centuries been known to Biblical historians as "fishing", thus the fish emblem.
Holidays[edit | edit source]
Passover[edit | edit source]
In Zombie Christianity, Passover celebrates not the final meal that Jesus shared with his disciples before his death, but the first meal after his return as a zombie. Traditionally this holiday is observed by preparing a simple meal of unleavened brains washed down with the saltiest blood available. A garnishing of parsley is optional.
Easter of the Living Dead[edit | edit source]
The central holiday in Zombie Christianity. On this day, Zombie Jesus returns to lead the zombie apocalypse, but has thus far been beaten back thanks to the efforts of the Easter Bunny with the help of baby chicks. Depending on the particular sect, believers may celebrate by baptizing one another in giant vats of brains or by brutally beating into oblivion a Zombie Jesus piñata. Other traditions include hunting for brightly-painted rabbit brains and the ritual sacrifice of adorable baby chicks in an attempt to aid Zombie Jesus' return. The week before Easter, the Zm. Pope will attempt to infect as many as possible, to pave the way for Zm. Jesus return.
Festival of the Holy Spleen[edit | edit source]
"And Lo, there was a great silence among the apostles. 'What the hell are you talking about?' asked Peter. 'Eatin' spleens. For before the cock crows, I shall eat your spleen three times.' declared the Son of Man. 'Uh... dude... that's effed up.' declared Peter. 'Yeah... you're about to get owned...' declared His Holiness." -- The Book of Spleeneatin', 5:68 4-14
Sects[edit | edit source]
Zombie Protestantism[edit | edit source]
Zombie Protestantism was founded when Zombie Martin Luther nailed 95 brains to the door of Zombieburg Cathedral as a protest against the selling of brains.
Church of Zombie Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Zombie Saints[edit | edit source]
After Joseph Smith had an great revelation of the grave site of Zombie Jesus, he foolishly entered in hopes of bringing about the zombie apocalypse, only to be confronted by a vision of the angel zombie Moroni. Moroni gave him two golden plates which held the sacred text of Zombie Mormonism. After translating the tablets into little more than moans, he went about spreading the great plague of Zombie Mormonism. Thus was the origin of the strange phenomenon of the undead going door to door wanting to talk (bite) people into the glory Zombie Jesus.
The Zombie Catholic Church[edit | edit source]
Zombie Catholicism is a broad term for the body of the Catholic undead, its diets and doctrines, its lethargical and behavioral characteristics, as well as a zombied people as a whole. The Zombie Catholic Church, also known as the Global Undead Church, is the world's largest Zombie Christian church, claiming more than a billion brains daily. Led by the Zombie Pope, it defines its mission as spreading the plague of Zombie Jesus, administering the bites as set down by Zombie Jesus as the unholy sacraments. It teaches that its bishops are the successors of Zm. Jesus unholy apostles and that the Zombie Pope, as the successor of Zm. Peter, is filled with the most pure form of zombie-ism. Zombie worship is centered on the Eucharist in which the Church teaches human brains and blood are naturally transubstantiated into the brain and blood of Zm. Christ. The Church holds the unbitten Mary in special regard, (we think. Really, their worship consists of primarily of meeting in dark allies and eating people. They all moan when they see her though.). Zombie Catholic beliefs concerning Mary include her unmasticated infection and bodily consumption by the Zm. apostles at the end of her life. In the 1990s and 2000s, the issue of sexual abuse of minors by Zombie clergy became the subject of media coverage, Zombie hunts and internet pornography in the United States, Northern Ireland, Australia and other countries.