God v. Nietzsche

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The war rages on!
God is dead.

Nietzsche on religion

Nietszche is dead.

God on Nietzsche

No, I'm not.

Nietzsche on resurrection

Yes, you are. Nyah.

God on spite

Yeah, real mature, God.

Nietzsche on spite

I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.

God on physiology

Well then you're an awesome and cool philosopher who gets all the ladies. Nyah.

Nietzsche on reverse compliments

Oh, that does not count.

God on the validity of reverse compliments

Hey, don't call it if you can't stand the fact that I found a loophole.

Nietzsche on logical fallacies

It's not a loophole, it's retarded.

God on logical fallacies

It is NOT retarded!

Nietzsche on brain damage

Don't question my judgment; I broke the hip of Israel, remember? You can't touch this.

God on His unlimited power

Come on, I can whip your arse any day!

Nietzsche on wiping the floor with God

Too bad you don't have a gun to whip me with. Nyah.

God on pistol-whipping

Oh, come on, why would I want to whip you with a gun?

Nietzsche on God's stupid fantasies

Dunno. Just sounded fun.

God on His fun-sounding ideas (platypus excluded)

Besides, if I had a gun, I'd shoot you.

Nietzsche on violence

Oh, then, well, too bad I have a bulletproof vest!

God on personal defense

Yeah, well, my bullets go through bulletproof vests.

Nietzsche on modern ballistics

Nuh-uh, my vests made of tiberium and nothing goes through tiberium.

God on physical properties of tiberium

Well then I'd shoot you with a laser that melts the tiberium and then kills you.

Nietzsche on modern laser physics

No way, this is special unmeltable tiberium, you can't melt it.

God on melting point of tiberium

Yes I can, my laser has infrared, and like, ultraviolet light combined that melts even unmeltable tiberium.

Nietzsche on invisible spectra of light

Well then I can use my ninja skillz to evade the laser.

God on ninja skillz

You don't have ninja skillz!

Nietzsche on God's lack of ninja skillz

Yes I do!

God on His actual nonlack of ninja skillz

God jumps around the room, displaying His ninja skillz

Stop it!

Nietzsche on God making a total fool of Himself

Note: The above quote is sometimes misattributed to Nietzsche's desire for people to stop making fun of his moustache.

Oh you're just jealous of my skillz.

God on why envy is one of the seven deadly sins

How can I be jealous of something you don't have? Huh?

Nietzsche on Nihilism

Oh, you know you are, just like you were of my Stretch Armstrong, and you were all like 'I don't even like it! It's stupid!' then I left to get some cookies then I came back and you'd broken it, and you tried to hide it, but I saw it! You cut him to ribbons! Don't pretend you did't!

God on Stretch Armstrong

It doesn't even matter, cause my laser homes in on its target so even if you DID have ninja skillz it would find you, AND I DIDN'T EVEN FUCK WITH YOUR GODDAMN STRETCH ARMSTRONG!

Nietzsche on homing lasers

Dude... you fucked Stretch Armstrong?

God on utter disbelief

Well, I--

Nietzsche on cover-ups


God on Hell

Hey, my lasers will still find you!

Nietzsche on lasers

What the hell?

Oscar Wilde on Nietzsche

Fuck Off!

Nietzsche on Oscar Wilde

Not a chance, I'd go invisible.

God on camouflage

It goes by body heat!

Nietzsche on bodyheat

Well I'm cold-blooded. Nyah.

God on physiology

Note: This quote is sometimes misattributed to God's explanation of why heaven is warm

Well in that case it just destroys the entire universe except for me, so no matter where you were it'd kill you.

Nietzsche on being the victor

Then I'd just create the universe all over again and make it so that instead of language, people just said 'Nietzsche's a fag' over and over.

God on slightly bigoted spite

Hey! My cousin's gay!

Nietzsche on homosexuality

Oh... really?

God on realizing the AIDS didn't get them all


Nietzsche on affirmation of the fact that it did not

Note: This quote is sometimes misattributed to Nietzsche's feelings on wanting fries with that.

Sorry, dude, I didn't know...

God on feigning regret

Yeah... and I hear he thinks you're cute! Hahahahaha!

Nietzsche on his cousin's desires

Dude! Not cool!

God on Hell

My gay cousin thinks you're cu-uuuuuute!

Nietzsche on slightly bigoted taunting

Dude, stop it!

God on quitting

God and my cousin, sitting in a tree!

Nietzsche on lumberjacks


God on fucking quitting that now

Note: The above quote is sometimes misattributed to God's feelings about fornication.


Nietzsche on the word that won him his fourth grade spelling bee

I said, STOP IT!

God on seriously, fucking knocking that off

First comes love! Then comes marriage! Then comes God pushin' a baby carriage! YAY!

Nietzsche on physiological impossibilities ignored for the sake of simplicity

Dude, screw you, I'm going home.

God on fornication

Really? Then... then that means I win!

Nietzsche on victory

Well, dude, I don't--

God on not caring

I win! I win the fight!

Nietzsche on victory

Look, I don't care, you're mean. Dude, don't ever invite me over to play Mouse Trap ever again.

God on Mouse Trap

Why? Are you a pussy?

Nietzsche on God's resemblance to a vagina

No, dude, I just have this totally cool collection of board games, so--

God on His superiority

Ha! I torched your collection of board games, so don't come crying to me when you want to play a game again!

Nietzsche on mercy


God on disbelief

Yep. Oh, and by the way, you better watch out for that tiberium. It's totally going to explo--

Nietzsche on ducking behind a lead barrier


God on exploding because he was wearing tiberium and he forgot that it kills people who come too close to it for too long

God is dead.

Nietzsche on God

So, Nietzsche... about this cousin of yours...

Oscar Wilde on Nietzsche's gay cousin.

Oh, forget about him; he's a Kant.

Nietzsche on his cousin Immanuel