God v. Nietzsche
“God is dead.”
“Nietszche is dead.”
“No, I'm not.”
“Yes, you are. Nyah.”
“Yeah, real mature, God.”
“I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.”
“Well then you're an awesome and cool philosopher who gets all the ladies. Nyah.”
“Oh, that does not count.”
“Hey, don't call it if you can't stand the fact that I found a loophole.”
“It's not a loophole, it's retarded.”
“It is NOT retarded!”
“Don't question my judgment; I broke the hip of Israel, remember? You can't touch this.”
“Come on, I can whip your arse any day!”
“Too bad you don't have a gun to whip me with. Nyah.”
“Oh, come on, why would I want to whip you with a gun?”
“Dunno. Just sounded fun.”
“Besides, if I had a gun, I'd shoot you.”
“Oh, then, well, too bad I have a bulletproof vest!”
“Yeah, well, my bullets go through bulletproof vests.”
“Nuh-uh, my vests made of tiberium and nothing goes through tiberium.”
“Well then I'd shoot you with a laser that melts the tiberium and then kills you.”
“No way, this is special unmeltable tiberium, you can't melt it.”
“Yes I can, my laser has infrared, and like, ultraviolet light combined that melts even unmeltable tiberium.”
“Well then I can use my ninja skillz to evade the laser.”
“You don't have ninja skillz!”
“Yes I do!”
God jumps around the room, displaying His ninja skillz
“Stop it!”
Note: The above quote is sometimes misattributed to Nietzsche's desire for people to stop making fun of his moustache.
“Oh you're just jealous of my skillz.”
“How can I be jealous of something you don't have? Huh?”
“Oh, you know you are, just like you were of my Stretch Armstrong, and you were all like 'I don't even like it! It's stupid!' then I left to get some cookies then I came back and you'd broken it, and you tried to hide it, but I saw it! You cut him to ribbons! Don't pretend you did't!”
“It doesn't even matter, cause my laser homes in on its target so even if you DID have ninja skillz it would find you, AND I DIDN'T EVEN FUCK WITH YOUR GODDAMN STRETCH ARMSTRONG!”
“Dude... you fucked Stretch Armstrong?”
“Well, I--”
“YOU ME-DAMNED BASTARD!!!”
“Hey, my lasers will still find you!”
“What the hell?”
“Fuck Off!”
“Not a chance, I'd go invisible.”
“It goes by body heat!”
“Well I'm cold-blooded. Nyah.”
Note: This quote is sometimes misattributed to God's explanation of why heaven is warm
“Well in that case it just destroys the entire universe except for me, so no matter where you were it'd kill you.”
“Then I'd just create the universe all over again and make it so that instead of language, people just said 'Nietzsche's a fag' over and over.”
“Hey! My cousin's gay!”
“Oh... really?”
“Yeah.”
Note: This quote is sometimes misattributed to Nietzsche's feelings on wanting fries with that.
“Sorry, dude, I didn't know...”
“Yeah... and I hear he thinks you're cute! Hahahahaha!”
“Dude! Not cool!”
“My gay cousin thinks you're cu-uuuuuute!”
“Dude, stop it!”
“God and my cousin, sitting in a tree!”
“STOP IT!”
Note: The above quote is sometimes misattributed to God's feelings about fornication.
“K-I-S-S-I-N-G!”
“I said, STOP IT!”
“First comes love! Then comes marriage! Then comes God pushin' a baby carriage! YAY!”
“Dude, screw you, I'm going home.”
“Really? Then... then that means I win!”
“Well, dude, I don't--”
“I win! I win the fight!”
“Look, I don't care, you're mean. Dude, don't ever invite me over to play Mouse Trap ever again.”
“Why? Are you a pussy?”
“No, dude, I just have this totally cool collection of board games, so--”
“Ha! I torched your collection of board games, so don't come crying to me when you want to play a game again!”
“WHAT?”
“Yep. Oh, and by the way, you better watch out for that tiberium. It's totally going to explo--”
“SHI-I-IT!!!”
“God is dead.”
“So, Nietzsche... about this cousin of yours...”
“Oh, forget about him; he's a Kant.”