First Fundamentalist Church of Skepticism, Reformed

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I don't like the Church of Skepticism. I prefer a faith where I don't hear about God so much. Like Methodism.

Oscar Wilde

Holy Mary, Mother of Darwin, holding young Charles before selling him to be the Cabin Boy of the Beagle.

A religion that first started in the mid-19th century as an Anglo-American Skeptic's revival, degenerating into a variety of splinter sects, culminating in The Church of Secular Humanists in the nineteen sixties. It is a very dogmatic faith, characterized by the Anglo-American Skeptics rigid adherence to certain beliefs that may not be questioned in any way. The latest and greatest of these in dogma and intolerance is the most radical splinter group, the First Fundamentalist Church of Skepticism, Reformed.

Dogmas that may not be questioned[edit | edit source]

  • The Big Bang must be true. Asking about what caused the Big Bang is regarded as rude as asking a "Xian" where Cain got his wife.
  • Evolution must be true, those who doubt this must be regarded as backwoods "Xian Fundies" no matter how many degrees they hold.
  • Tolerance of all other religions on Earth is good, so long as it is not the "Xian" religion.
  • Liberal politics, no matter how that term changes over time, must be upheld and supported at all costs. To not do so makes you a wife beating Republican "Xian Fundy".
  • A fetus is not viable until it's out of the mom's body and laughing at "Xian" babies.
  • They must study the Bible intensely, and before being accepted as a skeptic must have submitted (on line) an original post pointing out a missing comma in a Bible written before commas existed.
  • Those who worship Jesus and believe him divine must be called "Xians", never "Christians".
  • Those "Xians" are all responsible for every crime ever done by anyone "Xian" or claiming to be one, all through out history. Believing in Jesus means that they believe the Inquisition was good.

Places of Worship[edit | edit source]

Skeptics attempting to engage a "Xian" in dialogue.

They typically worship on line, in groups where they all sit around posting about how smart they are and how dumb the unbelievers (Xians) are. Coffee Shops, while cliche, are still frequented, especially Barnes and Noble ones. They especially like being where there may be one - and only one -, "Xian". This is so they can ratpack the "Xian" in an attempt to show how tolerant and brilliant they are.

Distinguishing Practices[edit | edit source]

This religion, like Jehovah's Witnesses, practices disfellowshipping, which is an ostracism of anyone who speaks against the dogmas of the faith. See the documentary "Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed" in which professors who even casually mention Intelligent Design are blacklisted.

They forbid their members from marrying outside their faith...more accurately, they can marry anyone, Wiccan, Pagan, Hindu, etc, just not a "Xian".

They blame "Xians" for every crime and horror throughout history. It is believed that they do this to cover up the glaring fact that their atheistic sister faiths - Communism, Socialism and National Socialism - have killed more people then all other religions combined.

They worship a trinity. Charles Darwin, Bertrand Russell and Richard Dawkins. It is blasphemous to point out that Darwin was a believer in God.

They are anti-science and logic. They believe what they believe in by faith, and no scientific or logical evidence to the contrary is accepted. Arguments of "irreducible complexity" in biology, or metaphysical concerns in cosmology go straight over their heads. Mentioning these things will only get you preached at by them, with pre-digested quotes from their trinity.

Leadership[edit | edit source]

Pope Michael Shermer the Naive

Their current Pope is Michael Shermer, a true believer who was once a fundamentalist Christian, but found being one to be too intellectually challenging so chose Skepticism instead.

The Skeptic's Credo[edit | edit source]

With so many branches and splinters of the original movement, and the great schisms of the nineteen sixties, a council was held in Pittsburg to determine what made a skeptic a Skeptic. It was agreed that anyone who could - with all of his heart, and what little he had of his mind - say the following, was a True Believing Skeptic:

Not taking a stand makes us wise. Parroting the establishment's current beliefs on science makes us geniuses. Saying, "You can't prove that!" makes us right. In the name of the Darwin, the Russell and the Holy Dawkins, and by the Thumb of the Panda, Amen!

How to spot[edit | edit source]

You need not look for them. Like Jehovah's Witnesses and Latter Day Saints, their's is a proselytizing faith. While typically too bashful to go door to door, they abound on the net and on campuses throughout America. Some signs are:

  • An aura of rebellious pseudo-intellectuality, in which they are very touchy about any questions that scratch at the flaws in their belief system
  • A pretense that they are in some way persecuted, as if this were 15th century Spain. A deep yearning to be Galileo, though without having to be even half as smart or brave.
  • Having books in his hand or on his coffee table that while unread, he feels are "daring". "Mein Kampf", "Das Kapital", etc.
  • Usually hanging about some group of lesbian Wiccans in the hopes of getting a mercy fuck.