Why?:Become an atheist

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If you become an atheist, then when Jesus knocks, you can call the cops!
Time Magazine's #1 Reason to be an Atheist is: Darwin always brings the beer.

“So I don't get any of the 72 virgins, then?”

~ An atheist upon entering the afterlife.
  • Are YOU sick of murdering Canaanites?
  • Is your religion centered around a dead Palestinian man ?
  • Does your life not have enough Christopher Hitchens in it?

Then become an Atheist today! It's quick, it's easy, and it's initially painless! Just look at all these advantages! Atheism is a religion for people who worship the flying doctorate Archird Pharm, also known as "Athe". It is most notably the only religion without any real basis or organization whatsoever. Its followers are no less uneducated, dogmatic and fanatical about their chosen spiritual path than they claim Muslims, Christians, Hindus, or Jews to be.

However, there is a key difference. People who convert to Islam or Buddhism do so for philosophical or cultural reasons: people who become atheists do so because they think 72 virgins is too large a number, or that stoning people to death is somehow bad. Atheists also like arguing about the existence of God/gods with religious people, refer to the God delusion (since like most religious people who rely mainly on their moronic or condescending religious leaders, they are too lazy to come up with their own arguments) and then mock Christians for quoting the Bible in a moronic or condescending way because they are too afraid of Muslims to mock them for quoting the Koran, for fear that the jihadists will blow themselves up in a condescending and moronic manner. All of this is ironic since atheists don't believe in Zeus, yet like they spend their whole lives arguing about him.

If you become an atheist today...[edit | edit source]

Part of a series of articles on
This is what god looks like. (It's nothing.)

History of atheism

Implicit and explicit
Negative and positive

Against God's existence
Atheist's Wager
God of the gaps
Hitchens's razor
Poor design
Problem of evil
Problem of Hell
Russell's teapot

Notable Atheists
Friedrich Nietzsche
Hugh Laurie
Veloso siblings
Slavoj Žižek
Captain Atheist
Atheist Jesus
Lists of atheists

...you'll save money![edit | edit source]

  • ...you'll get free membership in the ACLU!
  • ...abortions are half-price! Don't be like Barbara Bush or Bristol Palin, act now to avoid future regrets!
  • ...you'll save money on car insurance!
  • ...you'll get a 20 percent discount on your wireless phone plan!
  • ...you'll save money on funerals because you now know there's no point in getting all dressed up, since there's no place to go!
  • ...you'll never have to strap on a suicide bomb for the sake of getting money! (no, suicide bombs aren't free!)
  • ...you get to strap on a suicide bomb for not God! Act now and get your second suicide bomb for half-price! (Unless you already blew yourself up for Allah before becoming an athiest, in which case you seriously need to realise you are dead.)
  • ...you don't have to sign up in any holy-war/jihad! (Bullets cost money! And so do suicide bombs!)
  • ...you won't need contribution boxes/collection plates/threats/absolute obedience!
  • ...you won't need to make love to multiple women every day! (But you can if you want!)
  • ...the government introduced a tax rebate for every person who denounces God.

...you'll get to make fun of stuff![edit | edit source]

...you'll get to believe this stuff![edit | edit source]

  • ...you'll have a scientific worldview that is scientifically supported by scientific science
  • ...you'll get to believe that fishes can have monkey eggs!
  • ...you'll get to finally think for yourself, according to a recent scientific journal.
    • BONUS: You won't have to dismiss any recent scientific journal as devil propaganda!
  • ...that you don't have to do something one way merely because an old book says you have to.
    • ...but you will have to do lots of things one way merely because a recent study says you have to.
  • ...that there isn't an omniscient God who can send you to Hell for dropping your rubbish on the floor!
  • ...you'll get to believe that life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness are inalienable rights given by Thomas Jefferson, who's now dead, along with his slaves!
  • ...you are special because of your merits. Most Christians believe they are special because God created them. Without this belief they'd realize they are as common as dirt, unlike you, who are exempt from this!
  • ...you won't have to believe in any gods! Not the thousands that Christians reject when other cultures view them as atheists nor the one that the Christians do believe in! In fact, you can reject one more god than they do!
  • ...you won't have to bathe, because after all, "cleanliness is next to godliness!"
  • ...you don't have to kill someone simply because they don't believe what you believe! Beliefs can be wrong!
  • ...you won't have to deal with heaven for all eternity, you can live like you want!!! And you don't burn in Hell either because Hell doesn't exist!!!
  • ...you'll get to believe stuff can come out of nowhere !!

...you'll get to be this stuff![edit | edit source]

  • ...responsible for your own actions! Next time you bomb an abortion clinic or defend your racism, you can't hide behind God in order to appear pious.
  • ...free from superstition!
  • ...you finally won't pay for your own sins! There is no such thing as wrong![1]
    • ...you eventually won't feel bad about yourself if you do anything "wrong"![1]
  • You'll also be historically ignorant and will play holy (ahem) by thinking no atheist ever killed anyone!

...you'll get to do this stuff![edit | edit source]

  • ...you get Sunday (or whatever your former religion's Sabbath was) free! You can work or stay home or whatever you want! (You can watch football or do other cool things, like not watch football)
  • ...you can take offense at EVERY religious holiday, as well as laugh at the serious devotees!
    • ...you can insist on presents for EVERY religious holiday, too!
      • ...you can even invent a scientifically plausible story about a bunny laying eggs!
  • you can threaten to sue elementary schools if they let kids sing songs about Jesus!
  • ...you can masturbate in private or let consenting adults watch! You can do it before or after you get married.
  • ...you can finally volunteer at that soup kitchen by the abortion clinic again without feeling compelled to question the source of the "mystery meat" in the broth!
  • ...you get to fill your head with old religions like The Force, and become a Jedi!
  • ...you can laugh hysterically when your wacko Christian family and friends argue about the Trinity, or when the Rapture will happen.
  • ...you can defecate on any form of religious paraphernalia. It is your God Thomas Jefferson-given right!
  • ...you can secretly plot ways of decaying the moral fiber of America by turning kids gay!!
  • ...you can have pre-marital sex with women without God The Big Cheese anybody whining about it!!! Even if you're a woman!
  • you can smoke, drink, and fuck, without having to lie to your pastor!
  • you can become a satanist just to piss people off!
  • ...you get to point out that religion alone has killed over 809 million people and still counting![2]
  • you can pray just to impress people, without really expecting an answer! Just like your former pastor!
  • ...you can defend your position with logic. No more need for doctrines, lies, superstition or suppositions you just pull out of your ass to indefinitely suspend reason. You can just tell people your version of the truth!
  • ...you don't have to defend your position with logic, you can just use evolution!!!
    • ...and also you won't have to be polite when it's your Christian opponent's turn to defend theirs, because you make up your own morality!
  • You can condemn the Bible because it contains genocide and slavery!
  • You can advocate genocide against Native Americans, and Muslims too!
  • ...you can throw religious people into gulags, like Stalin! And you won't feel guilty afterwards!
  • Also, the media will help you by portraying absolutely all Christians everywhere of every kind as ignorant boobs!
  • ...you can look down on anyone who disagrees with you!
  • ...you can get to thank the doctor who saved your life instead of thanking Jesus!
  • You can criticize the Bible for punishing children for the sins of the father!

...you won't have to do this stuff![edit | edit source]

  • ...you don't have to automatically hate gays!
    • ...but you can if you want to!
      • ...but you won't, because being an Atheist makes you automatically tolerant (except to non-Atheists, Fox News, and anyone who even slightly disagrees with you).
        • Whilst hating gays is optional, hating Christians is mandatory
  • ...you won't be required to study Apologetics in anticipation of 'refuting' points brought about by the Evil Atheist Conspiracy Academica Intelligencia!
    • ...Not only that, but you'll never have to actually refute any points that aren't part of your thesis (courtesy of the Scientific Method)!
  • ...you won't need communion wafers, which are incompatible with the Atkins diet!
  • ...you'll never have to scream that people who don't belong to your religion are going to hell!
    • ...but you can scream that they are eternally condemned to be children if they don't believe in atheism!
  • ...you'll never have to worry that Gandhi or Albert Einstein or Anne Frank will have to go to hell for choosing the wrong religion!
  • ...you'll never have to worry about the possibility of Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, Ted Haggard or Osama bin Laden going to heaven!
  • ...you'll never have to punish your kid for having a beneficial mutation that gives them a better chance to survive and procreate!
  • ...you'll never have to look busy when Jesus comes! Because he doesn't exist!

But wait! There's more![edit | edit source]

  • If you become an atheist today, as a SPECIAL ADDED BONUS you will get this additional reason (a $100 value) ABSOLUTELY FREE!
    • ...you'll never have to read anything by Tim LaHaye! Thank God yourself!

Other great reasons to be an Atheist[edit | edit source]

  • Because Richard Dawkins says so!
  • The theology of atheism is so simple, even You can understand it! ("In Soviet Russia, theology of atheism understands YOU!")
  • Wikipedia will make you an admin automatically using their OnlyAtheistAdmins bot!
  • You'll get to be 'alternative', 'subversive' and 'edgy'- just like all the cool kids, but with no risk of alcohol poisoning or STDs (Mynd you, møøse bites Kan be pretty nasti...[3]).
  • You get to take credit for the things you did. None of this "I would like to thank Goooood for my success," or, "I guess God was watching over me that night."
  • You don't have to pray during sex! ("Oh god.. OH GOD!!")! But you can shout it if it excites you!
    • Instead, you finally have an excuse to shout your own name when masturbating, or having sex with your gay lover!
  • You won't be forced to bitch and complain about science eroding your mythology!
    • You don't have to simply believe whatever your local priest-pedophile tells you when you have "special prayer time" with him.
  • You'll be automatically qualified to teach mythology classes at the University of Kansas!!
  • You will believe everything Richard Dawkins says, even though everything he says is cheese shoes!
  • You can enjoy yourself at a Slayer concert!
  • You automatically get to hate Republicans!
  • You can spray the Mormon missionaries with water when they knock down your door!
  • You get to have a party when Pat Robertson dies! (Although most Christians will have a party when he dies)
  • You'll finally be able to experience an erection for yourself!
  • You won't get raped by priests.
  • You get to say the word FUCK with out ever giving a FUCK, because WHAT THE FUCK
    • You can regard human sexuality as a completely meaningless and empty act without any significance! (but you won't get to date the protagonist of Brave New World)
  • You get to laugh at the pastor while in church coz he's talking shit.
  • You get to fuck up church members coz THEY'RE talking fuckry.
  • You get to slam the door in the faces of the Jehovah's Witnesses. No more feeling obligated to counter-convert them. No more wasting an hour of your day only to inevitably fail to counter-convert them. Just slam the door and its done.
  • You can bang hot Christian girls without even feeling guilty. Too bad for her though.
  • You get to earn a real education at a realcollege, and not have to settle for a faux education at a christian college

Thinking of joining?[edit | edit source]

Sounds exciting? We think so, too! For just $199.99 (+ $10.05 p&h) you can receive an Atheism Starter Pack from Atheism Headquarters, complete with an introductory letter from Richard Dawkins, Bertrand Russell's essay "Why I Am Not An Atheist", a Pikachu Pokemon card, a handgun to practice your constitutional right, and an oral bound to protect yourself from sexually transmitted diseases and returning to Christianity!

Call our toll-free number, 1-800-NO-GOD-AH, give us your credit card det- Hang on, there's no God...

Call our toll-free number, 1-800-NOAH, give us your cr- There's no Noah either...

Call our toll-free number, 1-800-NOGOD, give us your credit card details, your postage address, and your social security number, and we'll send you the Atheism Starter Pack, so you can become an Atheism Master.

But WAIT! There's MORE!!![edit | edit source]


... and you'll receive a 6-pack of Budweiser beer, absolutely FREE! Remember, true Atheists don't drink the label, because they don't expect to be able to read it again until the morning after.

Don't forget our 30-day money-back guarantee![edit | edit source]

Is Atheism not quite right for you? Don't worry! We don't kill our apostates. If, in 30 days, you're not satisfied, send us back your Bible and we'll refund you the FULL COST of the Atheism Starter Pack!

So, what are you waiting for? Don't delay! Ignore your God today!

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: According to the Surgeon General, atheism can cause heat cramps, heat exhaustion, heat stroke, heat rashes, dangerous rises in body temperature, dehydration, and...what? Oh, never mind, you'll be dead already.

Footnotes[edit | edit source]

  1. 1.0 1.1 Except for when you are editing Uncyclopedia. Then when you do wrong, you suffer the terrible fate of eternal banishment.
  2. Great party in Afghanistan when we reach 1 billion!
  3. We apologise again for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked have been sacked.

See also[edit | edit source]