Atheism and obesity
Our unbiased sources have recently discovered that strongly religious people are healthier than atheistic people. In other words, atheists are obese.
Why?[edit | edit source]
The Mayo Clinic of Minnesota says that two major reasons people become fat are inactivity and their poor dietary choices. Christians stay in shape because, according to Corinthians 6:19-20, a Christian's body is their temple and they must worship at it's altar. If that means fasting for days and becoming delusional from malnutrition or being molested by a priest, then so be it. Anything for the good Lord, eh? And if a priest makes you take off your clothes so that he can touch you and he sees that you're fat, what will the good Lord think? So Christians maintain habits so that they won't offend a perverted priest and, through him, God. Also, the Bible says that gluttony is a sin, so Christians watch how much they eat, lest they be sent to hell. Atheists, on the other hand, aren't bound by Biblical codes, so they can let themselves go. Essentially, the folks at the Mayo Clinic say that atheists need to lay off the mayo.
We've stated why atheists become fat, but why do fat people become atheists? It has been found that excessive weight impairs brain function. This impairment is probably what causes fat people become so stupid that they doubt the existence of God. Another theory states that fat people are angry at God and deny His existence to spite Him. Below is a dialogue between an anonymous fat person who turns into an atheist and God.
- Fat person: God? Can you make me un-fat?
- God: Look, I'm a busy guy. I don't have the time to just make you un-fat. What have been doing to be less fat?
- Fat person: I switched from eating chocolate double-stuff Oreos to the normal amount, white filled kind, and I walk around the food store when I go to buy my Oreos instead of riding around in the store-provided scooter.
- God: Firstly, don't eat any Oreos and go on some sort of a health-food diet. They don't work very well, but at least it's something.
- You should start doing some actual exercise. I'll put a good word in for you on that show with Jillian Michaels. I am God, after all.
- What's it called? Biggest Loser or something like that?
- Fat person: Hey! Don't call me a loser! I may be fat, but I don't have to take this shit! It's probably all your fault. It's that communion wine and bread and shit!
- God: I wasn't calling you a loser; I was talking about a way for you to lose weight. There's no need to get angry.
- Fat person: I'm still fat. You don't do anything. I'm fed up with you and your divinity. I don't believe in you anymore!
- God: If you don't believe in me anymore, why are you talking to me?
- Fat person: SHUT UP!
Symptoms of being fat[edit | edit source]
The Mayo Clinic in cooperation with some of our researchers have found that fat people can suffer from the following symptoms.
- Appetite twice that of a normal person
- Eating while watching television or movies (as opposed to attending Bible study, Christian music concerts or choir meetings for the evening instead)
- Drinking an entire glass of wine and consuming an entire sandwich instead of drinking a thimblefull of wine and eating a crumb of bread or flat wafer.
- Spending money on sweets, DVDs, and restaurants instead of putting it in the offering plate.
- Large protrusion(s) in the abdominal area
- Thighs the size of an elephants leg
- Flab or cellulite
- Difficulty standing for long periods of time or walking because of body weight[1]
- Being followed around by slow tuba music
- Doubting the existence of God
If you suffer from one or more of these, you may be an atheist and you should contact a local clergyman as soon as possible.
Chuck Norris[edit | edit source]
“I will not rest until I have roundhouse kicked atheism from the face of the Earth.”
In 2007, Chuck Norris discovered the atheist internet conspiracy. He found that hundreds of websites use brainwashing to remove religion from the minds of children and teens and replace it with cold, sinister atheism. While parents think that their children are innocently surfing the Interwebs, secular progressives are intentionally preying on the innocence and naivete of the children. Norris swore to destroy atheism and the evils that came with it. He currently fights obesity-related atheism by promoting the Total Gym exercise system.
Fat Atheists[edit | edit source]
Stephen Fry[edit | edit source]
Comedian Stephen Fry has is known for his career with comedic partner Hugh Laurie. He's also fat. It won't be so funny when you have a heart attack, will it, Stephen?
Chairman Mao Zedong[edit | edit source]
Chairman Mao was the first communist leader of China. Communists are atheists by doctrine, and thus Mao was a fat atheist. Strangely, God didn't interfere in Chinese Civil War to stop the atheists from taking over.
Leonid Brezhnev[edit | edit source]
Leonid Brezhnev was the leader of the Soviet Union and a communist. For the reasons stated above in the Chairman Mao section, Brezhnev was fat, as were most of the Soviet leaders. I guess that's what happens when you have the fatitude to shut down the Russian Orthodox Church. Lesson: don't mess with the big churches with onion shaped domes on top.
Isaac Asimov[edit | edit source]
Isaac Asimov was an atheistic science fiction writer. Asimov became obsessed with robots, wrote books about robots, and tried to replace the human race with robots. Asimov believed that robots are superior to humans because they have no fat molecules and do not become obese. His failed plan is recorded in his book I, Robot, which has been called the Mein Kampf of Scientology.
Possibly?[edit | edit source]
The people below are not confirmed to be atheists, but it's possible that they could be.
Jerry Falwell: Claimed to be a Baptist Pastor and Televangelist; really a closet atheist
Pope Pius XI: Allegedly the Pope from 1922 to 1939; really an atheist saboteur or Santa Claus
Santa Claus: Allegedly a kindly man that delivers presents to children on the Christian holiday Christmas; really a fatass atheist
See also[edit | edit source]
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ This can also be accredited to being an infant or being old.