Islam and bow ties

See those black men?

No, not them. They're just dressed like they're black. Look at the ones with the dark skin.

They're Muslims.

Why?

"I can smell a Muslim from a mile away."

I know because they're wearing bow ties. Salome! I'm Larry David. You may know me because I was a writer for Saturday Night Live and Seinfeld, or you may watch my show, Curb Your Enthusiasm. Aside from being a great comedic writer, I have the rare talent of being able to identify Muslims with nothing more than a glance. Here's my secret: men who wear bow ties are Muslims. You may think that members of the Nation of Islam are the only Muslims that wear bow ties, but they aren't. I have found that almost anyone who wears a bow tie is a Muslim. There are a few exceptions to this and not all Muslims wear bow ties. Terrorists, for example, don't wear bow ties in public places because they would be identified right away and arrested.

There are several theories as to why Muslims wear bow ties.

Argument 1: Some scholars believe Muslims wearing bow ties goes back to Muhammad. The following is the account of a man named Mahmoud, who was present when Muhammad returned to Mecca from his exile in Medina.

“ A great parade of soldiers from Medina went through the streets of the conquered Mecca. There were thousands of them. The people of Mecca gathered to see their conquerors. Some marched proudly, while others rode on camels and horses. And then, in the middle of the great army rode the prophet (Muhammad) on a wagon gold drawn by four and twenty white mares. He stood proudly, happy to be be home. The prophet's white robes and taqiyah were pure white in the sun and around his neck he wore a cloth ribbon tied in a bow. As I saw this "bow tie", I thought to myself 'Damn! The prophet's got style!' ”

Unfortunately, Islam does not allow pictures of living things, so we have no visual evidence that Muhammad wore bow ties.

Argument 2: Other scholars believe that the bow tie serves as an identification card for Muslims. When Muslims go to their secret Muslim meetings, they simply "flash the tie" at doorman and they are admitted to the meeting. Why can't non-Muslims wear bow ties and be admitted to the Muslim meetings? First off, under this theory, Muslims are only allowed to wear bow ties that must be tied, not clip-on bow ties. This ensures that only Muslims and the select few non-Muslims that wear bow ties can get in. Hey, the system ain't perfect, but neither is the system of using identity cards. Because the majority of non-Muslims cannot tie bow ties, Muslim meetings are kept exclusively Muslim.

Argument 3: The scholars that don't subscribe to Arguments 1 or 2, believe that Muslims choose to distinguish themselves from non-Muslims by appearing to be more formal than everyone else. They believe that the best way to achieve this is through the wearing of bow ties.

Public opinion of bow ties

“Bow ties are cool.”

~ The Doctor on his support of Muslims

Currently, bow ties have gone out of everyday style and are usually only worn on formal occasions. I believe that this is because of the Muslims. People in the fashion community have long identified bow ties with Muslims. When 9/11 happened, the government pressured the fashion community to discourage the wearing of bow ties on a daily basis so that the FBI, the CIA, and the Department of Homeland Security could easily pick out Muslims. This effort hasn't been entirely successful. The eleventh Doctor, the main character in the British TV show Doctor Who, often says that bow ties are cool. This shows that the British are attempting to undermine American efforts to track down Muslims. Also, with the election of Barack Hussein Obama, bow ties may begin to make a comeback.

So I found this picture on the internet...

Whoa! I thought I told them not to take... I may have worn a bow tie or two in my day, but I'm not a Muslim. After all, not all bow tie wearers are Muslims. Most are, but not all. Also I'm way too Jewish to be a Muslim.

Muslims wearing bow ties

Malcolm X converted to a real sect of Islam and was killed by his "buddies" in the Nation of Islam for it.

Louis Farrakhan

The Right Honorable Louis Farrakhan is currently the leader of a breakaway group of the Nation of Islam because he believed that the Nation of Islam was extreme enough or fascist enough. Obvious he's never heard of Al-Qaeda, but that's beside the point. He's been photographed wearing a bow tie.

Malcolm X

Didn't see that one coming, did you?

Malcolm X was a member of Nation of Islam until he made the pilgrimage to Mecca and decided to convert to a real sect of Islam.

Muhammad Ali

Like Malcolm X, Muhammad Ali was a member of the Nation of Islam until he joined a real sect of Islam. He wore a bow tie when he went to meetings or was photographed for magazines, but, when he was boxing, he didn't wear a bow tie due to certain hazards that it presented, such as suffocating when his opponent caught the tie and strangled him with it.

Barack Obama

Barack Obama is seen in the picture at right wearing a bow tie. This combined with his heritage proves that he is a Muslim.

Consider it

The people pictured below are possibly Muslims due to the fact that all of them are wearing bow ties. All of them may not be Muslims, but some are bound to be.

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  Pee-wee Herman; star of the children's TV series Pee-wee's Playmosque

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  Stephen Hawking; physicist; In a book, Hawking stated that physics made God redundant. What he didn't tell you: God is made redundant by Allah.

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  Bill Nye star of the children's TV show Bill Nye the Muslim Guy

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  Thomas Edison; inventor of the light bulb, the phonograph, and the first audio recording of the Qu'ran

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  Janusz Korwin-Mikke; a Polish chess and bridge player and a politician-hobbyist; nobody has ever seen him without a bow tie; he formulated basics of Muslim libertarianism and is a supporter of a strong social distinction between man and woman in a modern world, including a partial disenfranchisement of women.

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  Larry David; comedian an-- WHO THE HELL PUT THIS HERE?

See also

• Atheism and obesity