Larry David

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Larry David thinking about how much he hates huge vaginas

“The one thing I respect about Larry David is his complete lack of understanding of Jewish culture.”

~ Hitler on Larry David

“Hey, I get an article but my father doesn't? I don't understand that. What, like I'm so much better than my father? Ooooh, get out of the way, Larry David's here! What's the difference? I try to write an article about my father, and you scoff! You scoffed, didn't you? I heard you scoff!”

~ Larry David doing stand-up in his bathroom, his current venue

“I never quite understood Brunch. Is it breakfast or is it lunch? Ehh, it's not for me.”

“Oh,'m supposed to just follow the laws? Like an ordinary citizen? I shouldn't have to follow some silly laws because you told me too!”

“Yeah, he's pretty funny.”

~ Jerry Seinfeld on Larry David

“When did I become Larry? I'm a short, balding fat man!”

~ George Costanza, the real Larry David

Larry David (Born Larry Allen) is an American comedian, actor, writer, environmentalist, and Hollywood billionaire, as well as the co-creator of Seinfeld, a show about nothing, and Curb Your Enthusiasm.[1] When the New York bourough of Queens was established as a Jewish political refugee haven during the Great Depression in 1929, Larry David was born to a Mr. and Mrs. Costanza. After a completely unknown childhood, David went on to become a stand-up comedian who berated his stupid audience that never got his jokes, and walked off after every performance to roam the streets of New York. In the summer of 1969, he is known to have urinated on Neil Armstrong during the filming of the moon landing that David directed from a secret Hollywood studio backlot. David has also lost both pinky toes to gangrene in 1975 after Kramer borrowed his shoes and got mold in them.

During the 1970s David continued to work as a New York stand-up along with his friend Art Vandelay. Still known for berating his heckling audience even before he got to tell his jokes onstage, David's bipolar tirades gained notoriety, and the attention of NBC-TV producer Lorne Michaels. Although it is alleged that David worked for Saturday Night Live, it was actually Larry's retarded twin brother [2] who showed up to the 30 Rock offices every day. He also worked on the SNL knock-off Fridays, where he wrote the most racist comedy sketches in TV history for his friend, Kramer.

Steinfield[edit | edit source]

In 1988 David wrote, directed and starred in the hit X-rated adult film Steinfield after dropping acid and believing he was Stanley Kubrick's detached brain. This was later to become the successful, legendary NBC-TV show Seinfeld (1989) as a more G-rated, watered-down version. The synopsis of the "Steinfeld" (2002 re-release on DVD) is as follows:

Jerry Steinfield, a Texan bear, runs into a mad scientist who turns him into a Korean woman, which makes him drive slow, and into things. The bear then goes on a craxy [sic] adventure through the streets of Manhattan and eats several small children. The one and only sex scene is at the very end, where Larry David jumps through a window, swings on a chandelier, and engages in anal sex with "Jeri."

Curb Your Minorities (2000)[edit | edit source]

Curb Your Minorities[3] was Larry David's latest television venture before Curb Your Enthusiasm. He departed from the porn industry and took a more mainstream approach to comedy for American audiences, with characters based in the city of Los Angeles and its Hollywood industry. As with Seinfeld, 90% of the cast and crew of Curb are Jews from the tri-state area, something always stipulated in bold caps in David’s contract. The premise of Curb Your Minorities is where Larry and his Chinese daughter (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) travel the streets in a pickup truck, searching for migrant workers. Upon locating some illegal aliens on the corner of Pico and Sepulveda, David curb-stomps them until they die of massive blood loss.[4]

Minorities was filmed on Samsung cell phones, but since David kept smashing hundreds of them in anger, while being unable to upload his episodes on YouTube, he proceeded to film in film.[5] David claimed that he was the only one capable of producing Curb, and that his detractors were "Lying...fools. They're duller than a ... dull knife."

Larry David, 2008 and Beyond[edit | edit source]

The thing about Larry David is, well, that's the thing. Mr. David's jokes are prettay, prettay, prettay, prettay, prettay, prettay good, and that's the real thing. You see, it's not this, but that, that's the thing. Mr. David's outstanding achievement is the invention of ridiculing women with huge vaginas. While women are always ready to point out a sub-par, tiny penis, the large stature of the female's genitalia is largely overlooked. As Mr. David acknowledges, this is not right. This is why last January, Mr. David invented the "Ye Olde Huge Vagina Detector", a state-of-the-art machine which can pinpoint an above-average size vagina from far away, ensuring these perpetrating huge-vagina'd women get their just desserts.

--George Costanza on The Howard Stern Show, May 2010

In 2000, Larry's invention, the "Ye Olde Huge Vagina Detector" got huge.[6] It was more successful than Larry's hit sitcom, "Sein-huge-vagina-field".[7] With this shocking new popularity, Larry decided to stop production of a show about not being a show called Sein-huge, and instead rode the coattails of the success of Ye Olde Huge Vagina Detector.[8]

Personal Life[edit | edit source]

Larry David is often times seen doing one of two activities: playing a casual game of golf with his friends Richard Lewis, Jeff Garlin and Marty Funkhouser, or going to a parking garage and berating some poor soul because he [David] doesn't know how to exit.

In 2010, David wrote a piece for The New York Times about tax cuts, and how he is "sooo rich" from his royalties from Seinfeld (which may or may not exist). He explained that "because I wrote and created the biggest show on TV, I shouldn't have to pay! I mean, are you seriously gonna make a man like me pay? Ridiculous!"

David enjoys going on TV interviews because it gives him a chance to speak his mind. In fact, in one such instance, David went on Jimmy Fallon, and went on a twenty minute rant about Fallon's "laugh", and said that The Big Bang Theories laugh track sounded more real than Fallons "laugh", despite the fact that it's overused and overplayed.

David was married for a short time to Cheryl Hines; however, their marriage failed when David was distracted by the TIVO guy, and Cheryl was distracted by the founder of a popular underwear company, "No Fly Zone." This didn't bother David, though, as he'd rather talk about real and fake crabs, as opposed to actually having sex.

Notes[edit | edit source]

  1. David is a founding member of The Baked Bald Eagle Society. He is also a distant relative of Ian the Drunk from The Howard Stern Show.
  2. Zelig David (b. 1929)
  3. Banned in Mexico (2001)
  4. Hence the "Curb" in the title, and the "Minorities" he is jacking in broad daylight
  5. Some critics claim this is impossible, and that there is in fact no such show, since it's not found on YouTube
  6. a Captain Obvious pun
  7. Network executives claim that a former working title was The George Can't-Stand-Ya Show
  8. The "Huge Vagina" skit was ripped off, verbatim, by

See Also[edit | edit source]