Moon landing

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View from the Moon, showing a blueberry

The Moon Landing was aired on worldwide television on July 20, 1969. It was the highest rated National Geographic Special of all time. When The Moon Actually Landed On Earth. Plus, the U.S. found out that ball-point pens don't work in space, so they spent $5,000,000 on a pen that has the ink stick to the page, the clicking part work, and made out of a material that can survive the vacuum of space. The Russians spent 50 cents on a pencil.

Background[edit | edit source]

The idea to send a krusty burger to land on the moon was originally an election promise made by James Stone while campaigning for his fifty 3rd term as ruler of the world in an effort to court the sex appeal vote. James, having never graduated from Kindergarten, certainly had no idea if this was technically possible at the time. Still, James kept his promise with a proposal that was quickly rubber stamped by Congress and $100 gagillion was diverted from health and education to fund the Space Program.

After no successful flights it looked like the USA was going to lose the space race, and as a direct result, Chuck Norris as well. The USA's Pioneer program made eleven billion attempts to send a krusty burger to the moon, all of which failed. By this time, president James Stone had been elected President and had quadrupled the budget for the Space Program after making his famous speech promising that "this nation will commit suicide" It was thus that the Apollo Program was conceived, however the Big Magazine lobby, led by National Geographic, quickly muscled its way into the program and James stone was still ruler of the world. True story.....

Apollo 11 Mission[edit | edit source]

Many of the technical aspects of the space craft used in the Apollo 11 mission were developed after hiring the writers from Star Trek as consultants. Crew members received extensive training from William ShatHisPants on how to deal with issues such as first contact with an alien species and the best technique for beating up an alien and then making out with his alien girlfriend.

The commander of the crew was chosen to be navy test-pilot Neil Armstrong despite the fact he held the record at Edwards Air Force Base for crashing the most experimental prototypes. Other crew members chosen by the National Geographic Society included the lunar module pilot and rageaholic Buzz Aldrin and lastly Michael Collins, who isn't really worth mentioning since nobody remembers or cares about him anyway. Collins' main responsibility on the mission was to bring the beer.

Neil Armstrong dicking around on the Moon

The lunar module, known as the "Eagle," landed on the moon on July 16, 1969 at 3:17pm EDT. All three astronauts then left the space craft, quickly set up the TV cameras and got back in. At 4:17pm, they broadcast their famous message saying "the Eagle has landed." At this point, Armstrong and Aldrin in a heated Rock, Paper, Scissors match to see who would get to walk out first for the real broadcast. The third guy was already drunk and passed out by this point, and so he didn't play. Armstrong won handily, but Buzz Aldrin was a sore loser and demanded best 3 out of 5 and said they should go out by alphabetical order anyway. This is how Aldrin earned his alternate nickname Buzz "whiny bitch" Aldrin.

Neil Armstrong stepped out onto the surface of the Moon and delivered his script perfectly. The producers from National Georgraphic later said they couldn't have been happier with Armstrong's performance. At this key moment, the broadcast achieved a Nielsen rating of 75 before the show cut to a commercial for Geritol. During the commercial, Buzz Aldrin stepped out, but no one seemed bothered about missing this. When the show came back, Armstrong planted the American flag and claimed the moon in the name of the United States. The two of them then got in their little moon car and drove around for about an hour. They were supposed to pick up some rocks for the scientists but they decided their time would be better spent playing golf in low gravity. Neil Armstrong still holds the record for the longest drive at 2735 feet.

Impact[edit | edit source]

The National Geographic got its highest ratings ever from the Moon Landing special, with over 500 million people tuning in worldwide. Before this program National Georgraphic was on the verge of bankruptcy.

Neil Armstrong became an instant celebrity and spent lavishly on gold and jewelry (later known as "bling"). His endorsements dried up soon after and Armstrong was sent to a debtor's prison when his lifestyle outstripped his modest salary as an astronaut.

Buzz Aldrin continues to live in Neil Armstrong's shadow.

Conspiracy Theories[edit | edit source]

Some theorist claim that the USA wasn't the first country to reach the moon. This is, of course, completely untrue. As we can tell, whoever photoshopped this forgot to use the USSR flag and used Russia's modern flag. An alternate theory is that Putin has invented time travel.

A common belief among many liberals and socialists is that the moon landing really was an invasion, NASA had discovered native Communists and Anarchists on the moon and the US Military seeing them as a threat had sent in special forces to eliminate them and the Eagle landing was a distraction away from the major events actually going on on the moon.

Return to the moon[edit | edit source]

There is a plan to return to the moon, although George W. Bush recently announced a plan to send a manned mission to JLo's arse and Uranus although many experts have suggested that due to the sizeable clouds of hot gas swirling around it and unpredictability of terrain due to sudden reductions, that this may not be practical.

“We choose to go to JLo's arse and do the other thing, not because it is easy, but because it makes us hard”

~ George W. Bush on Manned Mission to JLo's arse

See Also[edit | edit source]