UnMysteries:The Disappearance of The Last Cookie
The Last Cookie was first reported missing from the cookie jar last Saturday at 7:23 PM at the Johnson house. Since then, Mrs. Johnson shouted "WHO STOLE THE MOTHER FUCKING COOKIE FROM THE MOTHERFUCKING JAR" and went on to start interrogating several Editects in the theft with little progress. The crime is only the latest in Johnson family thefts, and is currently being investigated by the parents.
The robbery has been dubbed the most interesting thing to happen in the neighborhood since Ms. Goodrow's hedges were stepped on. Multiple people are expected to be lying and it is unlikely the cookie will ever be found, but the Johnson adults are keeping hope they can get a suspect to crack.
The Last Cookie's last hours
Testimonies have pieced together most of TLC's last hours. At 4:05 PM, Mrs. Johnson gave the two children a cookie each for doing their homework. At approximately 4:15, Mr. Johnson came home from work, and the two parents went upstairs, telling the children they were going to talk, but what they really did was have sex. This lie to the two children weakens Mrs. Johnson's credibility. Robbie Johnson, 8, admits he thought about committing theft, however he was able to refrain. At 5:00 PM, with the parents still making sweet love, the children went into the backyard to play on their brand new swingset. Nadine, 6, went inside and almost took the cookie but thought she heard her parents coming downstairs. Really, the parents were just testing positions. Nadine confirmed that the cookie jar was not empty at 5:30 PM. At 5:45, Scooter began to lick his lips and whine to Nadine. Nadine responded with a firm 'No', then feeling sorry for Scooter, a pat on the head.
After 6:00, nobody is able to confirm anyone else's testimonies. Mr. and Mrs. Johnson said they continued 'talking' until 6:30 PM, and Nadine says she was coloring her brand new Strawberry Shortcake coloring book until the time the last cookie was discovered missing.
Robbie reports he was watching Power Rangers: SPD, and Scooter suspiciously cocked his head and refused to comment. From confirmations of testimonies, the last cookie was stolen between 5:30 and 7:23 PM. At 7:23 PM, a whorish-looking Mrs. Johnson shrieked. Mr. Johnson said he'd be there in a minute and that the game was on, and both Robbie and Nadine came downstairs to see the problem. Scooter was taking a Good Potty!
But all that was left was crumbs at the bottom of the jar.
Immediately after, Mrs. Johnson began interrogating the suspects with a "You have till the count of three to tell me who did this! 1...2...". Mrs. Johnson was unable to say 3 because Mr. Johnson told her to be quiet and that the game was on. Nobody fessed up to the theft and the two children were sent to the stairs for time out. Scooter was nonchalantly eating the garbage. The three suspects are as follows:
Robert "Robbie" Tristan Johnson
Robbie has a previous criminal record in the Johnson house including feeding Mrs. Johnson's lipstick to the dog, destroying Mr. Johnson's trophy by running the remote control car into the bookcase, and catapulting McDonald's toys into Ms. Goodrow's yard. He is eight years old, pardon me, he has corrected me that he is eight-and-a-HALF, and in the 3rd grade. His alibi is that he was watching his favorite show Power Rangers: SPD. Investigators asked him about the episode, but before they were able to Robbie ran upstairs, then back down with his Power Ranger costume on. Interrogation was attempted however they thought it would have been rude to interject into a little kid's rendition of the Power Rangers theme song. It is also possible he was accomplices with Scooter.
Nadine Annabelle Johnson
Nadine is the younger child of the two, and knows all her colors and ABCs and numbers and shapes. That is a direct quote from Ms. Nadine Johnson. She likes ponies and aminals, I mean animals, and playing outside. She was asked about who she thought stole the last cookie, but she went outside. Investigators followed her outside and continued interrogating her, to no avail.
At this time, Nadine squatted down and picked up a lovely ladybug. She showed detectives her discovery, but they were being big meanies with poopyheads. They kept asking her about the cookie and wouldn't pay any attention to her cutie wootie ladybug. The officials continued to try to get some answers out of the little bugger, but she started to cry. Mrs. Johnson then ran outside and slapped a reporter on the face for making her little girl cry.
Not much information was collected.
Scooter the dog was the last suspect to be questioned by authorities and that's really all someone can say about his testimony. Upon being questioned about where he was at approximately 6:15 PM, he gave little information to authorities and behaved rebelliously with his tongue hanging out in defiance. Police tried to sweeten the deal with some pats on the head, but this dog would not crack. Continued questions were asked, however he just stood there looking like an idiot with the occasional lying down and sitting back up. Police may have been able to get some kind of coded answer by the canine when they asked who was a good dog. At this time, Scooter perked his ears up and let out a soft whine.
Dog-to-human translators worked on this message in the laboratory for 3 hours before discovering that they had wasted a crapload of time figuring out the dumb dog just wanted a treat. He was given a treat and not much else was ever accomplished.
The neighborhood of Frampton Heights has been abuzz with the news of the missing cookie. Girlfriends have been dishing all day, sweetie! I'm tellin ya, the cookie's gone! Ms. Goodrow, way older than Nadine can count, reported to investigators her reaction. She stated that she always knew that youngin Robbie was trouble, and that one day his foolish parents would regret having him.
The Last Cookie has become a huge celebrity overnight, even though it's probably been crapped in the toilet a looooong time ago. Detectives tried to reach Mr. Johnson for comment but the game was on, so they moved on down the street. Officials reached Learning Brook Elementary School, where 2 of the 3 suspects attended classes. Mrs. Bettiman, Nadine's math teacher, was questioned and revealed more information than that frickin dog did, I'll tell ya that. She told us that she didn't think the sweet child Nadine would ever do that, and it was probably the dog. Later she told us Nadine sucked at math and didn't have the IQ of a turnip, but she asked to have that edited out.
Feathers & Fur Animal Shelter, birthplace of Scooter, had so many occupants that it was hard to choose who to interview. They settled on Cracker the Cockatoo who wasn't much help since all he said was "Squak! Murder in the bathroom! Murder in the bathroom! Someone help! Squak!"...whatever the hell that means. One stupid officer thought they should listen to the bird brain, but get fucking serious. There was a missing cookie to be dealt with.
The Last Cookie's disappearance has been quite the media circus lately, mainly because the only other things in the news are more people exploding in the Middle East and some B-list celebrity getting a divorce. BOOOOR-ING. News in Frampton Heights spreads fast, and countless neighbors have offered their help for the grieving family. Speaking of the Johnson family, reports indicate they haven't been taking the loss well. Mrs. Johnson, the only person who wasn't a suspect or watching a game, broke into tears in an interview. She tells the Oatmeal Chocolate Chip cookie she loves it very much, and asks her rotten kids and doofy dog to please have a heart and return the kidnapped victim. The Johnson family has gathered support everywhere and people have offered some of their cookies, but they say it wouldn't be the same.
Progress in the Investigation
Not much. Officers have tried examining suspicious crumbs on the ground in their laboratory, but most of them was just flakes of dandruff from the dog. An hour after police arrived, they found a dead body, a fired gun, and narcotics, but quickly realized this had nothing to do with the empty cookie jar, and got back to the matter at hand. Fingerprint analysis was performed the day after the crime, but it turned out everyone was a cookie whore, so everybody's fingerprints were on the cookie jar.
Detectives on the case
The police chief supervising the case is named Tracy Finnegan. Not because he has any experience, but mostly because every investigating team has to have someone with the last name Finnegan. He has been criticized for hiring non-police actors from Law and Order in the new season, because the new season sucks ass. Could he honestly not afford hiring someone from Season 8?!?! Even Season 13?!?! God. They weren't much help in the investigation for some odd reason, so they were promptly fired.
Tracy Finnegan has had little luck so far in the investigation, and has hired and fired multiple assistants. The first one was some random police officer. BOOOOR-ING. He attempted to get the person who played Mulder on The X-Files, but pepper spray was Finnegan's Achilles' Heel. In the last 12 hours, a final assistant has been hired for Finnegan, and the public is extremely optimistic. His name is Mr. Archibald Cookie Monster, however he prefers just Cookie Monster. He has a previous record of cookie thefts, and since being released from prison, has been helping authorities with his knowledge of cookie theft techniques.
The investigation has not slowed down one bit, however the buzz is slowly dying down. TheLastCookieLuvr4Evr's page is still the most visited on Myspace, but the news is focusing on other things again, like celebrities and rape. Don't think that any other interesting shit has happened in Frampton Heights though. Girlfriends are still dishing at Baskin-Robbins, a few even talking about it BEFORE what was on the CW last night. It is unknown whether or not the baked goods thief will ever be caught, but one thing is certain: While its body may have been destroyed, unless it was under the jar where nobody looked all along, The Last Cookie will live on forever in the stomachs and biscuit tins of all those who remember that ill-fated day. Unless it was jesus, that motherfucker loves the things. Amen.