National Hockey League

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“I watch hockey for the fights!”

~ Every non-fan ever

The National Hockey League (American translation: NFL) is a form of Canadian street fighting on ice, best known for fighting, the Stanley Cup, fighting, Wayne Gretzky, Trevor Linden, Mark Messier, fighting, Mario Lemieux, Sidney Crosby, the FoxTrax puck, fighting, drunken Canadians, and fighting. Oh, and did I mention fighting? It is regarded by many as the worst-run professional sports league in the world, thanks in part to its decision to completely forget its core business (playing ice hockey) in favor of Commissioner Gary Bettman's favored pastime: being a jackass. Also, fighting commonly occurs during NHL games. Did I mention that? Of course I didn't. Also, despite the beliefs of some stupid Chicagoans, $300 for a standing room only ticket at a Stanley Cup Finals is reasonable. And fighting! I forgot to mention fighting!

Why It's Better Than European Hockey[edit | edit source]

The NHL is better than European hockey because it does not have French players. (The French are simply not big enough to play in North America, and in fact, their only option is to play in Sweden.If you need any proof you should look at Cristobal Huet) Also, the NHL has Morgan Freeman, and it allows fighting, prostitution, and nudity. Unfortunately, the nudity is now regulated: the NHL recently implemented an instigator rule that states fighters must seek permission in triplicate from their opponent and sign legal documents stating they will not sue in the event of an injury before punching them in the face. The highlight of any NHL game is a bench-clearing brawl, in which a typical hockey fight spreads to everyone in the arena, like a vicious (yet entertaining) plague. But recently the NHL decided that was too much fun, and it enforced strict regulations that make it almost impossible to start an entertaining fight. And, to ensure that European players wouldn't get their asses kicked, the bench-clearing brawl was replaced with a shootout following a scoreless overtime period.

You Bunch of Rookies[edit | edit source]

Got milk?

Following the regular season, the favored and unworthy teams play for the Stanley Cup. In the playoffs, roughly anything can happen, which has resulted in recent conference finals resembling the results of a coin-flip or d20 roll. This has had the unexpected effect of leaving favored teams playing golf in May while the unworthy teams get multiple cracks at the Cup.

The NHL is trying to resolve this issue by examining legislation that would allow players to leave their teams whenever they want. The NHL hopes this legislation will give favored teams the hint to sign all of the talented players and leave the unworthy teams with all of the stupid ones. This would make it almost impossible for unworthy teams to get past just the first round of the playoffs.

The Fans of the Criminals at Large[edit | edit source]

A typical Detroit fan.

There are many types of fans in the NHL: distressed and delusional Edmonton fans, desperate Toronto fans, drunken Calgary fans, stonedand fucking annoying Vancouver fans, and pissed-off Canadians who think Quebec City and Hamilton should all house NHL teams.

There is also Rob, the only Phoenix fan, and Bob, the man who used to be Nashville's only fan. However, like most hockey fans, Bob was attracted by Canada, so he moved to Toronto, and Nashville is left, once again, with no fans.

Fans in Detroit are often given Stanley Cups in giveaways, largely due to the immense surplus of the trophy.

The Fall of the Buffablow Slugs

Looking to Expand[edit | edit source]

This one is for you, Bettman

2009-2012 Expansion: HOLD IT. Then Fart slowly away.

Despite all of the failed expansion teams, the NHL is considering adding 10 more hockey teams. So, would you like to own a National Hockey League team?

  • All you need is $2 billion dollars and a wife, whom everyone is allowed to play with!
  • You must choose a color that the rest of the league will hate (not including the mandatory pink!), and you must choose a team name that is offensive to all religious groups.
  • City size does not matter, as long as you can afford the bill! Good luck!
  • However, the city must be located in a region that does not receive any ice or snow. Otherwise, the team will be fined $100 million for every inch of snow that falls.
  • Even attempting to place a team in Canada will make Gary Bettman cry. He will sue you for enough money to create another team in a warm-climate city where nobody has ever heard of hockey.
  • The only way to place a team in Canada is to first set it up in Atlanta. Then, after a few years of failure and obscurity, it can be moved to a Canadian city. At this point, it is optional whether to keep the current team name, or rename the team.
  • It's worth choosing a logo that people can make fun of, because you can have fun screwing a poor bastard out of as much money as possible to wear the fucking thing.

Future of the NHL[edit | edit source]

In recent years, Gary Bettman has shocked the hockey world by deciding to carry out all his expansion plans in North Korea and shamefully but successfully turn it into a crazed country, and shortly after was revered by many Koreans for his socialist approaches to the sport, and never came back stateside again. In exchange for Bettman's good riddance absence, former president and Commie extraordinaire Kim Jong-Il has decided to take over as NHL Commissioner as first Asian head of a North American sports league. Him being in the dark confines of his cubicle at the NHL headquarters was a result of a total of  32929211043838 fans petitioning him on Facebook in order to help them regain their genuine love of hockey. The only downside is, Jong-Il's favorite team, the To-roon-to Red Stars have ended up winning the Stanley Cup since he took up office on December 21, 2012. Whoever objected to this got a big ass whooping and a free trip to the minors.  

Since then, not only do the NHL teams have to play with each other, they also have to play with those rowdy Russians at the KHL, those douchebags in the NBA and those pansies from the UEFA. Portuguese male stripper Cristiano Ronaldo was the NHL's first signing from the UEFA league, as he got drafted by the Penguins 1st overall in 2020. Sidney Crosby, due to his incessant whining, got sent away to the Real Madrid Hockey Club shortly after upon Commish Jong-Il's request.  

Campenelli is now stuck on a Canadian game show.

The (In)Famous Owner of the Present: Gary Bettman[edit | edit source]

Gary Bettman Sez[edit | edit source]

Gary Bettman says, "Watch our league...please?"

Hello, basketba...I mean, hockey fans! It's me, your ever lovable commissioner, Gary Bettman! Now, I know a lot of you might be concerned about this "over-expansion" and the "dying markets" in the Southern USA. Nothing could be further from the truth! Why, if the league didn't expand, we'd still be stuck with five teams! And really, who wants a team called the Wanderers? Exactly. Weeding out the old franchises and relocating the slightly successful ones is part of hockey. Why, thanks to expansion, owners are richer than ever, and we can all gloat that we have a super fair salary cap. Now, who can argue with that? Jim Balisillie, that's who! As for the future, under my rule, the NHL will expand from 30 to 72 teams by 2015...and all of them will be winners! That's right: no team will have a losing record! How's that for good basketball! Wait, I mean hockey. Yeah.

As for these so-called dying markets, look at those teams down there. Why, the Tampa Bay Lightning and the Anaheim Ducks have both won Stanley Cups since I came to power. I AM A MEGALOMANIAC. Wait, that came out wrong. Oh well. The point is that all of the money is in the States. The Canadian dollar is worth what, two cents? So forget it, Hamilton. Winnipeg, see you later. Same to you, Quebec City. In fact, when Mexico becomes part of that good old US of A, we plan to move those dead franchises up north down there. Take the Toronto Maple Leafs and the Montreal Canadiens. They're so old they should be playing with canes, not sticks! Hahahahaha!!! Yes, when the time comes, both teams will move down to Mexico, where I shall christen them the Tijuana Illegal Aliens and the Mexico City Mexiciens. (Note the creativity in the odd spelling; it will be used to keep some relation to the team's previous name). We'll be the first North American sports league down there. GO NBA! I MEAN NHL!

Quotes[edit | edit source]

"Is it not obvious that the Phoenix Coyotes had somebody show up at one of their games last season? They are obviously a very successful franchise, and moving them to a place like Hamilton would only let them sell out all of our games. And I will not allow the NHL to sell out."

"Last season we installed a 3-point line in hockey. Now, we are going to allow referees to call technical fouls. Next year, we will eliminate skating, hockey sticks and pucks. And we will install basketball hoops, change the playing surface to wood, and look to hire more black players. That'll make the game more entertaining!"

"So, you see, there's nothing to worry about. With me at the wheel, the NHL will only grow stronger and stronger. ALL POWER TO THE OWNERS!"

"As you can tell, my hero is "Dollar Bill" Wirtz, to whom I gave my first born daughter - my second born daughter went to Sean Avery, hence the term, "sloppy seconds"!"

"Never before in the history of hockey..." (Mentioned every year during the Stanley Cup presentation, whether history has been made or not)

Accomplishments[edit | edit source]

  • Loves the NBA so much he calls the NHL the "NBA II."
  • Hired by the Taliban in 1990 to terrorize Canada.
  • Shaved his Middle-eastern beard in 1992 to eliminate suspicion of being connected to the Taliban.
  • Voted "Greatest North American League Destroyer" by the Taliban in 2002.
  • After hearing about what the Taliban did to America on 9/11/2001, he decided to go even further by eliminating NHL hockey from Canadians lives in 2005.
  • Fattest commissioner in the history of North American sports.
  • Managed the nearly impossible feat of getting ESPN so pissed off at the NHL, it's now only carried in the USA by a local cable access channel in Detroit (right after "Tool Time"), a low powered Spanish TV station in Los Angeles, MSNBC in San Jose, the MSG (Mono Sodium Glutamate) Channel in New York, and local television stations in Minneapolis, Boston, and Buffalo that are owned by Weird Al Yankovic (all games alternated with showings of "Hogan's Heroes", "Conan the Librarian", and "Jail or No Jail").
  • Killed off the World Hockey Association in the 1970s, the Soviet Union National Hockey team in the 1980s, and the International Hockey League in the 1990s: Why? They love that American money, so screw the Canadian dollar!
  • Is Jewish, though thats not an accomplishment.

See also[edit | edit source]