Boston Bruins

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Boston Booins
Conference Eastern
Division Northern
Arena BJ Garden
City Supposedly Boston
Colors Black,Gold,Green
Stanley Cups 5.8
Owner Neighborhood Watch
Fans About 30 (As of 2009)

“We're up three games to none? We got this! LOL JK! ”

~ Boston Bruins on talking too soon

The Boston Bruins are a semi-professional arena hockey team that plays in the Boston Home Gardener's Club Arena and play under the National Hummer League, and also have 5.8 Stanley Cups, beating their most hated team, the French idiots on the other side of the lake. They are also known as the Boston Booins or the Boston Ruins among fans of their biggest rivals.

History[edit | edit source]

Birth Of Some Serious Crap (1901 - 1920)[edit | edit source]

In 1901 some civilians were drinking in a bar in Boston and they had a crazy idea of starting a hockey team in Boston. Is that f***ing stupid or what? Anyways, over a course of 3 months about 17 town drunks were recruited. Since the NHL didn't hit puberty yet, they let them in the league. When asked what Boston's team name was, the owners, drunkenly, answered "BEER!".

In 1912 the team was then sent to court by the HLSIC (Hockey League Somewhere In Canada). The lawsuit was that the Boston "Bruins" Beer were too drunk to play hockey. The NHL said "screw off," to the HLSIC and the lawsuit was dropped. But the team would still suffer offensive, defensive, towel boysive, shot wise, check wise, banking a check wise, poke check wise, poking holes through bank checks wise, and coaching wise until 1917.

In 1917 the franchise was split into two teams, the Boston Beer (present day Los Angeles Kings) and the Boston Bruins. The two teams would face each other in their season openers, and the Bruins beat the Beer 7 to -3. The Beer were then called the "Kingz of ze dronk" by the Frenchies (New Jersey of Los Angeles Mighty Ducks of New Mexico fans), hence the name: Kings. The beer would then move to Los Angeles and become the Los Angeles Kings but that hockey team is still a rumor to this day.

In 1920 the Bruins left from the NHL. They said it wasn't the NHL, it was them. They then explored greater leagues but decided to cry back saying to the NHL "We're sorry! We should never have left you!" The apology was accepted under one condition, they would vote Gerald Bettman's son, Gary Bettman, as NHL Commissioner. The Bruins accepted, but so did the Leafs, Panthers, Blues, Thrashers, Panthers again, Sharks, State Of Wyoming. And the Hurricanes, Coyotes, Capitals, and George W. Bush.

Another Hockey Team (1920 - 1940)[edit | edit source]

The Bruins were so good that they got an arena (the Quick! Flee! Center) and got to play in it. The capacity of the arena is -MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF- seats. The hockey team was also so good that Boston got out of mint-condition and gave a speech:

The rest of the speech cannot be posted here because it also talked about Bob Marley and Oscar Wilde.

Stanley Cup Winners (1940-1992)[edit | edit source]

The Bruins were later called the Bruins (man that staff was a bunch of retards), magically winning about 5 Cups of this era that ended in 1972. Jeremy Jacobs bought the Bruins, invented the 84 dollar hot dog (nicknamed the Hairy Sindendog) and abruptly castrated Boston from all hockey pride, history and cheap hot dogs from this day on. Because they won like, 4 cups prior to 1973 and with the push for overpriced processed meat waste, families went starving. The Bruins then somehow sucked again firmly setting the norm of the Bruins we all know today.

Luckily for this storied franchise, they could continue making history by f***ing up in brand new ways, so the saga continues...

Bobby Orr utilizes super-advanced 1970s jetpack technology to lead the Boston Bruins to victory in 1970. The controversial incident led to the "Bobby Orr Rule" in which jetpacks were banned from all NHL arenas.

Bruins Go Through A Depression (1991 - 2003)[edit | edit source]

The Bruins only won 0 cups this era, making their total of 5 cups. They then only won 2/3rd's of their games in the season, an all time low. As an act of mercy, it was in this era that the Bruins released #77 from his personal hell so he could win a championship due to the forecast of hell freezing over being extended by 100 years. This was considered by many an act of compassion (see "selfless fan blood letting" in the dictionary) and when Bourque brought the cup to Boston, Boston stole and replaced it with a Wheaties replica. The real cup is passed amongst 32 households to this day utilizing many of the same safe tactics of the underground railroad and an old Candyland board game.

Because fans in that area didn't realize those were good season stats compared to the Chicago Black Hawks, they thought the Bruins were possibly the worst team. The Bruins staff would be pissed off at the fans and send this message on December 27, 2003:

This statement compounded with the opening night give-away of 2003 gave way to the famous "Boston Boycott" after the message was sent, soon to be leaving thousands of seats in the arena feeling lonely.

Boston Boycott (2003)[edit | edit source]

Opening night of 2003 the Bruins gave the first 31 fans limited edition, numbered "douche-bag" bobble head figurines. This went over in Boston like a lead balloon and was the final straw.

Because the Boston Bruins staff said Bruins fans were "douche-bags" the fans decided to boycott the Bruins. When this happened the Bruins were about to go into debt until lazy ass Gary Bettman made them face the Montreal Canadiens every game of the 2003 season but the bruins were forced to call the NHL the 2NBA (see, Gary Bettman) but the good news was that the Montreal fans always packed the house, letting the Bruins bounce back from their financial debt. The Bruins fans then got pissed off how Canadiens fans always packed THEIR house and all 32 Bruins fans started buying tickets again.

There have been no more bobble head nights since and these figurines are a highly sought after collector's item in Montreal. It has been confirmed, unofficially that Jeremy Jacobs has all 31and uses them to provide financial collateral when financing his 84 dollar Hairy Sindendogs stands.

2003-2004 Season[edit | edit source]

The Bruins were back to being as a usual team, like a fucktard on shit. The Bruins than separated from the NHL because they said: "Gary Bet-man is a lousy f***ing f***tard with no f***ing f*** to f*** on a f***ing basis.", people than learned that the Bruins Organization was just swearing to look cool.

Just Some Random-Rambling (2004-2005)[edit | edit source]

We learned that Joe Thorton hated Boston Bruins fans because he said it. His ADD acted up in the last quarter of the season because he jumped off the Bruins bench during the last game of the Quarterfinals and he thought "No Ref's gonna see me!" And then got caught in a record of 1.42 milliseconds after he jumped off the bench and next season the Bruins kicked the front door and then Thorton got kicked out of it. The Bruins then signed a bunch of s*** heads and they had to start constructing their team all over again. They couldn't handle the time and effort put into that so they started to cheat in their hockey games.

Spygate (2005)[edit | edit source]

The Bruins started sucking because once Joe Thorton left he said he was the brother of Shawn Thornton and the Bruins wanted no part of that. Since the Bruins were worse then the Columbus Blue Jackets the Bruins recorded the other team practicing in their arena before the game and then checked the weak players off the Ice. Some famous guy then bought the Bruins for 25 cents. Another famous person then bought the Bruins for 4 million dollars. Steve Jobs then sent this statement out across the NHL:

Camera man, being a bitch

Cam Neely also encouraged Spygate until this picture was caught of a camera man spying on the Minnesota Wild Cats, uh I mean, Wild. The Bruins never cheated again. But the Patriots thought the Bruins did a good idea and stole Spygate from the Bruins.

2005-2008[edit | edit source]

The Bruins won 0 more cups, making it a total of 5 cups. They got more fans and the city of Boston updated their speech from 1937:

2008-present[edit | edit source]

Tyler Seguin led the league in blowjobs three seasons in a row

The Bruins have Marco Polo, Zdeno Chairah and Timothy Mark Andre Tomas and therefore they kick ass. Marco Polo then was playing and got checked and yelled "OW!! I'M HURT! I HAVE TO BE OUT FOR A WHOLE SEASON!"....and he was. Marco Sturm was injured while the 2008 Playoffs went on and because Boston didn't have a great player to save their ass, they signed Brett Favre and Brett "retired" from football (see, retard). Brett Favre would lead the Bruins onto the ice for 2008 and right as he started skating he retired and quit hockey (see, Phoenix Coyotes). The Bruins then had no snack boy to steal snacks during the intermissions for the players. Players were hungry (see, Bob Marley) and they weren't refreshed with the rainbow super powers their skittle snacks once had. They would then force 7 games against the Montreal Canadiens and would then say "f*** you" to every Canada player but the Canadien fans retaliated by booing the United States National Anthem. Brett Favre came back from retirement to play with the Is-that-a-hiney? Ducks.

During a game on March 8, 2011, the Booins then-greatest (and, to this day, biggest) player, Zdeno Chairah, finally had his revenge on the Montreal Boobirds by completely wrecking their only physically consistent forward, Maximum Pacioretty. Since that bloody act, most hockey fans that remained boo Chairah every time he touched the puck because of that hit, while the French hockey-loving idiots and Philadelphia Cheesepuffs fans previously booed the guy because he was too tall to play hockey.

Nevertheless, the Ruins managed to win a Stanley Cup in 2011 despite having been brought to a Game 7 thrice in the playoffs and the players the Booins acquired from Toronto not doing anything all playoffs, presumably wanting to play golf instead.

Ownership[edit | edit source]

The Boston Bruins are currently owned by Jeremy Jacobs, whose sole purpose in life is to hope that the Red Sox, Patriots, and Celtics keep on winning, so he can suck on the teat of the Boston Sports world because the bandwagon-jumping fake fans of the sports world will all be in New England and that they may actually spend money on an 8th place hockey team.

After suffering a 7th game loss to the Montreal Canadiens in the 2007 playoffs, the Bruins were not heard of again until rumors of their existence sprouted in October 2008.

They are perpetually in 8th place of the Eastern Conference. Don't believe me? Look. They are in 8th. Right now. The only time they are not is due to a scheduling gaffe which gives the bruins more games played than other teams, and they have to win (or lose) in advance to secure the elusive 8th spot.

The Bruins are coached by a mint julep, disguised by the pseudonym Claude Julien. They actually won something for a while, and were 30-0-4 when leading by two under mint julep until Thursday October 23rd 2008, when they lost to the Toronto Maple Leafs. Many in the clubhouse believe that they lost because they couldn't get around the grammatically incorrect spelling of Leafs, but most in Boston commented, "TOM BRADY'S LEG IS STILL FUCKING INFECTED" when asked about the disappointing performance.

Tim Thomas proves that winning exists for the Bruins and posted the first back-to-back road 1-0 shutouts in franchise history in October of 2008. This only means he'll suck later in the year.

Current roster[edit | edit source]

  • Paul Bunyan Zdeno Charazard- Standing in at 9876', Zdeno Charazard towers over everybody. His large frame gives him the league's hardest slap shot, at Mach 1. He is also booed every time he touches the puck on the road, because their fans think he's sexy are jealous of his awesome stature.

Boston Bruins's Only Goal[edit | edit source]

Every year, the Bruins only aspire to do one thing, to beat the Montreal Clusterfucks in the playoffs. Usually they try their best and still lose 4 games to none but if they do win, then they stop playing and they always forget they have another round to play. This is why there are no Bruins fans. This could also just mean the Bruins are magic and just don't know it yet.

Warning Reading the following May Be Considered a choking Hazard![edit | edit source]

Bruins fan choking.
Bruins fans are kinda retarted.

After going up 3 games to none on the Philadelphia Cheesepuffs, the Boston Bruins decided to take a vacation. Not realizing that the Failures could actual win games if they tried a little harder the Boston Bruins choked that 3 game lead as well a 3 goal lead to lose the series. As result all Bruins fans choked on there own spit and died. As result Choking hazard signs have been put up at TD Gardern warning fans of the potential choking hazard that is the Bruins.

Franchise individual records[edit | edit source]

The Following is a list of pastimes that the Boston Bruins partake in:

  • Selling less than 10000 tickets per game
  • Spending $0 in advertising per year
  • Golf Tournaments
  • Wishing Bobby Orr, Johnny Bucyk, and Ray Bourque would walk through that door, even if they are old and gray.
  • Having one official Stanley Cup
  • Failed NHLPA coups
  • Quitting
  • Giving away Phil Kessel
  • Coming up with uncreative logos
  • Developing hockey talent for other teams
  • Losing to Montreal
  • Losing to Toronto
  • Losing in shootouts
  • Losing Private Ryan
  • Losing their best players
  • Losing to Montreal
  • Looting Toronto's prospects
  • Losing to Montreal again
  • Trading their best players
  • Forgetting to sign their best players
  • Going to the penalty cage at the end of the third period
  • Not showing up
  • An overall piss-poor performance on all levels, consistently
  • Having multiple choice seats for the fan's seat upgrade of the game
  • Playing the most boring brand of hockey ever (defensive, little fighting)
  • Firing coaches
  • Occasionally providing hope
  • Usually not

Season-by-Season Record[edit | edit source]

Note: GP = Games played, W = Wins, L = Losses, T = Ties, OTL = Overtime Losses, Pts = Points, GF = Goals for, GA = Goals against, PIM = Penalties in minutes

Season GP W L T OTL Pts GF GA PIM Finish Playoffs
2000-01 82 ? o 1 0 201 24492 4 9 76th, Eastern Won the Finals
2001-02 61 1 47 8 5 15 17 666 1999 1st, Central Fuck this season
2002-03 1 1 0 0 0 2 156 5 10 Tied for 1th, Southern We made it, but never showed up
2003-04 82 25 45 8 4 62 177 238 1198 1st, Eastern We just smokin pot.
2004-051 2 654 76 5634 374634 646 543 543 Boston Bruins SUCK
2005-06 2 2 0 0 4 215 0 0-teen 1st, Western they lost round one BIATCH
2006-07 (SA) 54 24 32 7 55 156 194 849 ,234,543st, Overall They lost.
2007-08 (SA) 69 96 ?? 8 87 94 65 999 Florida Hurricanes They got f***ed
2008-08.5 (SA) .5 4 100 42 69 96 11.7 18 1st, Eastern Probably Not
2008.5-09 (SA) 83 82 1 820 3 11 14.7 25 1st, Eastern Woah, they made it
2007-08 (SA) -82 -82 !+82 43 79 0 1 3 1st, Eastern There is NO post-season!
Totals 666 -1 Eleventy billion Little People Big World 4 q >:(

Footnotes[edit | edit source]

1 Season was cancelled due to the 2004-05 NHL Lazyass Gary Bettman, and to the melting of ice due to global warming. Because of this, the NHL arenas have decided to cool the ice in the arenas (except the Montreal Quebequois' Bell Centre and the Nashville Panthers' Gaylord Centre where hockey is still played on ponds).