Phoenix is the capital and the most populous city of Arizona as well as being the largest state capital in the United States by population. Originally a science experiment involving coating a giant desert valley with concrete and metal to create a human frying pan, it eventually expanded to become a boring mass of suburbs, much like Las Vegas or Los Angeles without the Strip or a beach or anything entertaining. Moreover, it is also the hottest place on Earth and is rumored to have originated from a chunk of the sun. More moreover, it is known internationally for being a city with no redeeming qualities whatsoever, but the peeps living there are just fine by that.
History[edit | edit source]
Phoenix was built on an ancient indian city and was a small village until just a few years ago when half the population of America decided that lots of sunshine and heat meant for a good life. Since then it has grown at a rate of approximately 1 million inhabitants per year. The main economic migrants have come from California (enticed by the cheap housing), Mexico (enticed by the booming, or at least not-as-shitty economy) and the Midwest (enticed by it not being as crap as the Midwest). As a result, no one actually comes from Phoenix and a cult game of "spot the local" has sprung into popularity.
The labour market in Phoenix is dominated by the immigrant population. Since the only people who can deal with the outrageous heat are the Mexican immigrants, all outdoor jobs are done by these people and if you see a Midwestern person outside in the summer it is customary to check that they are indeed still alive.
Water is scarce in the Valley of the Sun and the Phoenix council have come up with the cunning plan of stealing water from the California supply. As a result, 4 million people have died of dehydration in Los Angeles this year. It is rumoured that cacti contain a lot of water and hardy Arizonans have been known to try to shoot down the large Sagouro cacti in an effort to keep themselves going. In some cases this has led to Cactus-falling-related deaths and the council have now banned the gratuitous killing of Cacti. Guns are generally a problem in Phoenix. There are approximately 37 guns per resident and people have been known to be killed in a "Who has the biggest firearm" contest. The Police report invariably states a lack of guns as the reason for these problems.
Phoenix has 4 great sporting teams. The Cardinals play American Football and charitably prop up the league every year to make the other teams feel better. No one knows how the Diamondbacks baseball team are doing because no one has ever had the patience to follow the 4,569 games of the regular season. There is an ice hockey team who are hampered by a lack of ice, causing some nasty injuries on the concrete floors. The female basketball team were about to win the "World title" until someone told them that they weren't a national team and therefore not eligible to take part in anything that called itself a world event.
In the near future Phoenix will become the largest city in the United States of America but will never get the recognition it deserves because (in the words of the great Karl Rove) "No one gives a monkey's uncle about that backwater little village". And people listen to the great Karl Rove.
Today[edit | edit source]
Today, most of the important areas of Phoenix are covered in concrete, pavement, and authentic Mexican food restaurants such as Taco Bell, all of which add to the already unbearable heat. Phoenicians live in posh, irrigated, suburban homes that all look exactly the same and are spaced precisely four to six feet apart.
Climate[edit | edit source]
The place is so hot that Hell has opened a consulate and an embassy there. The highest temperature ever recorded in phoenix was 124 degrees( no not college degrees, farenheit.) Grues do NOT go there because people there pour hot sauce on them and eat them. The Grues give the people there gas and the shits. In certain places, the air contains second-hand meth smoke.
Population[edit | edit source]
Phoenix is full of people sick of the cold from the east and mid-west and illegal immigrants meaning that people from all over Mexico move into Phoenix at a rate of 20,000 people a month. Phoenix is now known as “The Great Mexican Melting Pot That Smells Like A Musky Barbarian”. As a matter of fact most locals made a united front in 1989 to leave Phoenix in a decision that if their way of life is not to be preserved then, as they put it, “Fuck it.”
The majority of the population wastes water that comes from places that actually matter, like the rest of America, but that's the government, ladies and gentlemen: making useless-assed cities so they can have a shitty Hockey team. (Hey, that's Canada's job!)
Transportation[edit | edit source]
Transportation options are many and varied in Phoenicks. Such options are: car, pickup truck, SUV, larger SUV, Lexus (minimum speed for Lexus: 80mph, 90 in Scottsdale), BMW (minimum speed for BMW: Mach 2), and the ever-popular Mexican-minimalist, parts-such-as-the-bumper-and-door-and-engine-are-missing model burro-buggy. Bicycles are available upon request to whomever desires hearing "GET ON THE SIDEWALK, ASSHOLE!!" and/or being hit by one of the aforementioned transportation options.
Be prepared for roads to end abruptly. Due to tribal warfare, some streets will change names for no reason at all. Street signs have been known to spontaneously explode due to the oppressive heat. Since tract homes and pretty-looking shopping centers cannot be built fast enough, any map you have will be useless regardless of how new it is. Maps will spontaneously burst into flames as well. Lance Bass once referred to the street system as a "Mess so retardedly messy that only by projectile vomiting could one come up with a more logical system." Phoenix's state-of-the-art freeway system opened to millions of angry, bitching, impatient assholes of motorists. A few hours after the opening, every road and highway in the area was experiencing gridlock conditions and several convertible owners had died of heat stroke while sitting in traffic. Valley Transportation was quick to organize a new plan to widen all roads within four-hundred miles of Phoenix to approximately twenty-six lanes apiece. Work is due to start this Thursday and finish in 2028. Also, an utterly useless light rail system has been constructed to help relieve congestion in the area. It will stretch from empty desert to Glendale while skimming the northernmost portion of the Gila Indian Reservation, which contains a tribe known for eating Phoenicians alive when they even approach their territory. Anyway, the planned metro shall completely bypass the business district in downtown. Projected ridership is two homeless people, a cowboy, some stoned teenagers from the northeast valley without lives, and seventeen million Mexicans per week. Estimated completion of that project is sometime in the mid-22nd century.
State Bird[edit | edit source]
The official state bird of Phoenix is the illegal immigrant or "Day Laborer". When it was pointed out that the illegal immigrant wasn't a bird, Phoenix residents pointed out that Phoenix isn't a state, and it cried. Still, the state bird can often be seen in droves outside Circle K's at 5:00 am on weekdays or in most white suburban front and/or backyards.
State Anime[edit | edit source]
Suburbs[edit | edit source]
Note: By law, all Phoenix suburbs must look exactly the same, with the exception of Scottsdale, where mansions, resorts and snobbery are mandatory. The state forces builders to use only crappy Spanish tile and easily disintegrating stucco on all new buildings to help subsidize the state's historic and proud dirt industry.
- Mesa (named 1 of the most boring cities in America by Forbes magazine, Known for it's Copper Wire trade industry.)
- Tempe (slutty college students)
- Glendale (this one is actually worse than the one in California)
- Carefree (so named because the city became monetarily "carefree" after lowering the speed limit to 25 MPH in order to cash in on speeders from Scottsdale)
- Sun City (so named because the town was moved brick by brick from the surface of the sun to the slightly warmer climate of Arizona.)
- Sun City West (Denizens of the sun loved the warmer climate of Arizona so much that they founded a new town in which to die.)
- Sun Lakes (an apt name, as the only lakes in Arizona are lakes of molten lava, much like the surface of the sun. See Sun City above.)
- Apache Junction (Meth Cnetral)
- Gilbert (20 years ago this was a gas station.)
- Queen Creek (where there is no creek, just a river of molten lava)
- Phoenix Islands
- Scottsdale (Let's just say that, if you were a Mexican laborer, you'd prefer to be mowing these people's lawns)
- Cave Creek (with more molten lava!)
- Anthem (Relax your headed to Flagstaff now.)
- Tolleson (Same as Mexico)
- Buckeye (where idiots from Ohio came to die a long time ago)
- Avondale (If Tolleson bred with Glendale)
- Hell (Satan maintains a winter condo in downtown Phoenix to escape the winter chill in Hell)
- Litchfield Park
- Goodyear (Tires and Blimps)
- Laveen, a graveyard for burnt cows. (No, seriously)
- Superior - a full 60 miles east of the city center, it is part of the Phoenix Metro Area as is East LA
- Tent City (a wonderful getaway destination, courtesy of the valley's beloved Sheriff Joe Arpaio)
- Casa Grande (Coming soon...)