Unquotable:Hamlet

We don't have a proper photo of Hamlet, but we do have one of this cute little hamster.

Hamlet was one seriously messed-up individual. Reading the play reveals a habit of dressing in black and being depressed. Hamlet is clearly a fan of emotional rock.

Dad killed by brother. Brother married brother's widow. Hamlet wanted to screw his mum, but baddy brother stepfather beat him to it. Hamlet loved his dead dad, and frankly, should have been folllowing in daddy's footsteps. Dad was the King of Denmark, but dead now. Came back as a ghost. Ordered son to avenge him. Hamlet wanted to, but couldn't go through with it at first. Spent ages just thinking about it, but was constantly interrupted by other thoughts that seemed more important; for example, depression and suicide. Also big, big girlfriend problems. Wanted to screw Ophelia secretly, but lacked the guts to ask her out. Seemed to prefer fantasizing about mum. Another problem was college studies. Read too many irrelevant philosophy books when he should have been practicing sword-fighting a bit more. Also had a thing about the theatre, delusions of grandeur about putting on plays that would not only entertain but make several members of the audience uncomfortable. Started worrying about hallucinations he was having, mostly involving the aforementioned dead dad/King. Maybe they weren't hallucinations. Got a bit mixed up about this. Started making himself a nuisance around the castle. Had to be sent away. Accident-prone. Got involved with pirates, at least for a week or two. Thought people were spying on him. Knocked off a couple of guys he believed were doing the spying. Hung around graveyards talking to skulls. Made a public spectacle of himself at his girlfriend's funeral. Didn't blame himself as such, but rather pointed the finger at her innocent brother. It was actually Hamlet's fault that his girlfriend went loopy and drowned herself — after all, he did kill her dad. By mistake, to be sure, but all the same. Also, probably had only one real friend. The others were just sycophants.

Hamlet wasn't fit to be King, wasn't fit to be a son, wasn't fit to be a lover or husband. Not much of an actor either. Neurotic, pretentious. A severe embarrassment to one and all. Still, some people find him interesting. For one thing, he had an unusual tendency to mumble famous Shakespeare quotes at inappropriate moments. Here are just a few!

Famous Quotes from Hamlet

• "To be or not to be — that is the overused cliche."

• "Lay her in the earth; and from her fair and unpolluted flesh may violets spring! Also, if you could manage a few nice tomatoes, and possibly some fresh cilantro, I'd appreciate it. Then maybe I could finally get a decent salad made around here."

• "Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and it's probably this cream cheese, from the smell of it."

• "This above all, to thine own self be true; and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then lie to the cops."

• "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are what? Oh, that's just great. They'll probably make a whole separate movie out of this one."

• "Alas, poor Yorick! What an asshole."

• "Alas, poor Yorick! I blew him well."

• "O that this too too solid flesh would melt, thaw, and resolve itself into a Mountain Dew! Because, you know, I'm getting sort of thirsty here."

• "Frailty, thy name is Woman! And you, George, thy name is now Irving. Everybody gets a cool new name today!"

• "Good-night, sweet Prince... by the way, I always liked you better than Michael Jackson."

• "But break my heart, for I must fart!"

• "Too much of water hast thou, poor Ophelia, but the bitch had it coming!"

• This is I, Hamlet the Retard!

• Open the casket, I must fuck her once more!" (at Ophelia's funeral)

Hamlet on Justice

• "I am justly killed with my own weapons of mass destruction."

Hamlet on Censorship

• "To bleep, or not to bleep: that is the question;
  Whether ’tis nobler on network TV to censor out
  The "shits" and "fucks" of outrageous comedians,
  Or to take arms against a sea of FCC commissioners,
  And by opposing have one's license revoked?"

Hamlet on Bladder Control

• "To pee, or not to pee: that is the question;
  Whether ’tis nicer in public conveyances to suffer
  The occasional discomfort of overactive bladder syndrome,
  Or to wear special underwear to avoid drowning in a sea of urine,
  And by wearing the special underwear, have nobody notice?"

Hamlet on Golf

• "To tee, or not to tee: that is the question:
  Whether ’tis nobler on the back nine to suffer
  The embarrassment of an outrageously poor drive,
  Or to take out the Big Bertha in a desperate attempt to reach the green in two,
  And by reaching it, and sinking a five-footer, make birdie?"

Hamlet on Alcoholism

• "To beer, or not to beer: that is the question:
  Whether ’tis nobler in the bar to suffer
  The taunts and rejections of whiny drunken losers
  Or to take my keys and try to drive home without killing myself,
  And by doing so, probably — let's be honest here — kill myself?"

Hamlet on Wikipedia

• "O, most wicked nerds, to post with such dexterity to an incestuous website! It is not, nor it cannot come to good."

• "Thus admin abuse does make cowards of us all; and thus the native hue of resolution is sicklied o’er with the pale cast of sycophancy by toadying RfA yes-men."

• "To be or not to be, If I were wikipedia, I would not be"

Hamlet on Uncyclopedia

• "What a piece of work is Uncyclopedia! How noble in reason, how infinite in faculties! In form and substance, how express and admirable! In action, how like an angel! In apprehension, how like a god! The beauty of the world! The paragon of websites! Overall, almost as good as The Onion!"

Hamlet on Ferrets

• "Methinks it is like a weasel."

Hamlet on Masturbation

• "Aye, there's the rub."

See Also

• William Shakespeare
• UnBooks:1000 Uncyclopedians Typing Hamlet
• Ham sandwich
• Green Eggs and Hamlet

The Complete works of William Shakespeare