HowTo:Make a Ham and Cheese Sandwhich

The finished product, a ham and cheese sandwich.

So you want to make a ham and cheese sandwich, do you? Well this highly simplified guide will be a stepping stone to a world where you can make sandwiches with ham and cheese. With these easy to follow instructions for simpletons you'll get through the process without losing any fingers (no finger loss is guaranteed). Scroll down to the next section on Getting Bread. This tutorial assumes you live in America and require transportation to the supermarket. If you are in Canada or Europe or don't drive everywhere, you likely fully well know how to make a sandwhich. In this case only read this article if you enjoy mocking stupid or sad people.

First what is a Ham and Cheese Sandwhich

It is a sandwich made with ham and cheese

But what is a sandwhich

It is peasants food made from nutrient deficient pre-bagged pre-sliced squares of watery and floury spongey yest cakes. They are produced in a factory with sometimes healthy but usually not healthy fillings in between. In this case the filling is a solid fermented product obtained by the secretions that come from the tits of a mammal (usually a cow but sometimes a goat or sheep) and overly-processed muscle mass from the dead carcass of a pig. It's all such a beautiful creation from the basic building blocks of nature only it is slightly modified for the modern person's convenience.

Getting Bread

Now that you have the motivation to begin the journey that is sandwich making, let's proceed to the first step; Getting Bread. If you don't already have bread, which is the stuff that you put the ham and cheese in between, then you have one of two choices; go to the store or make bread. Going to the store is a lot simpler, especially since you probably won't have the essentials to bake bread, such as an oven, flour, and mental-stamina, we'll just cover going to the store.

Set out for garage or driveway, and get in your car or jeep or truck or windowless-white-van, and turn on the ignition. Then carefully place your foot down on the pedal, but not too much as to start driving. Then switch your vehicle into reverse and then slowly push the pedal down. Once you are out of your driveway, switch into the proper gear and begin your journey to the store.

Once you are there, you must park. Pick a space that has minimal trash and corpses, and begin parking. Make sure not to bump into somebody's car, or you will have an angry old man chasing after you with his broomstick. Once parked, turn off the ignition and put your hand on the lever that opens your door, open your door and climb out. Don't forget to unbuckle yourself!!!

Once outside the car, shut the door, and make sure all the doors are locked. If you are currently under an epidemic, put a facemask on, its also recommended to put a new pair of gloves on. If you are male (or even female) you might consider putting on a condom for extra virus protection (there are female condoms out there). After you lockdown your car, begin the journey to the store. Walk, don't run, because by this time chances are good that the the dark ominous beings are looking for you.

When approaching the doors, determine whether or not they are automatic. If not, look for a word that looks like this - PUSH. This means to put your arms out in front of you and walk into the door. Now that you have entered the store, you can begin looking for the aisle that has the bread. If you need help, ask the lowly paid teenager where the bread aisle is. Once you have obtained this information, head out to the aisle. When in the aisle, look for a plastic bag that has this word on it - BREAD. There will likely be twenty-five choices of bread. If you have arbitrarily decided you are a weak little delicate flower how cannot eat gluten, then just go home, you don't deserve to eat bread. Otherwise choose between the wheat or buckwheat or multigrain, if it's refined or wholegrain, yeasty or sourdough and if it is natural or full of cancer inducing additives. Grab it, and bring it to the register. The underpaid teenager will ask you if you found everything you need. Tell them you have absolutely everything you need to make a ham and cheese sandwhich. Pay the money and leave. Remember, before buying bread, make sure you are not a hopeless human without enough money to buy bread. Also if you did have the money you ought to have brought it.

Once the task of getting bread is completed, you just repeat the car steps, but you do everything backwards. See the next section, Getting Back Into Your House, to see how exactly to enter your house without being seen by the CIA.

Getting Into Your House

This is kind of what a CIA agent looks like, although they are normaly gay looking and have jet-black hair.

This step may be the hardest part of this guide, but with enough motivation, courage, and craziness, you may be the next to move on to the legendary third step. Let's begin.

After you have parked your car/van/truck/motorcycle/bicycle/tricycle/Flintmobile, approach your house cautiously, as the CIA may be lurking around every corner. I recommend entering from the rear of the house, so that you do not raise any suspicion. Make sure you have your ski mask on, so that the CIA will not be able to snap a photo of you. Have a crowbar handy, because the CIA might have installed shocking devices inside your keyholes. Either smash open a window or pry open a door, either is equaly efficient.

Once inside, board open the way you got in with wood and scotch tape, so that no intruders may enter. Do not take off your ski mask or drop your crowbar yet, as the CIA could be prowling inside your house. Check every room, including the bathroom. Just to be safe, knock first before checking the bathroom, incase a CIA agent is using it. Once you are absolutey, positvely, sure that no one is in your house (except yourself of course), then you can proceed into the kitchen with your bread, unless you were stupid enough to leave it in the car. And if you did, YOU ARE A COMPLETE AND TOTAL FAILURE!!!

And if not, then good for you. On to the third step, Making The Ham and Cheese Sandwich!!! (Batteries not Included.)

Making The Ham and Cheese Sandwich

This is a pig...

Once in the kitchen, make sure you have ham and cheese. If not, than you must go to farmer Joe's farm to harvest animals. The two animals that you require are a pig and a cow, unless you are having more than fifty people over, or are just extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, hungry - then more than five cows and pigs may be needed. Walk out the front door this time, since you already have checked for CIA agents. Make sure you are carrying with you an alien transportation device, an AK-47, and some tic tacs in case of bad breath attacks. When traveling to Joe's farm, make sure to hide behind all the bushes, especially the ones with leprechauns behind, so you can steal their lucky charms. Although that may seem quite random, the lucky charms are required to obtain Joe's animals, as they can be used to lure them near you. If the leprechauns resist, either beat their brains out, or get some annoying kids to chase them around until they surrender.

With lucky charms and transportation device in hand, advance up the fence that surrounds the farm. Hop over it, or if you are a master of kung fu, karate chop the fence in two. Once inside the premises of the farm, look for the location of the cows and pigs. After they are found, shoot open their pins with your AK, and use the lucky charms to lure them into your transportation device. Once they are all inside the device, begin to exit the premises.

...and this is a platypus. Hope to God you can tell the difference, or you're screwed.

If farmer Joe heard you, he should come screaming like Donald Trump without his toupee. Joe usually either has a pitchfork, or if your on hard mode, he has a rocket launcher and is a cyborg. Either way, you should be able to take him out if you have an IQ of at least 3. After he has been eliminated, make your way back to your house. Once inside, release the animals from the transportation device, and begin killing pigs. Once dead obtain their meat and slice into pieces, forming the essential ham for the sandwich. Once done with that, begin milking cows. Once you have their milk, make cheese. See the guide on Making Cheese to learn how.

Now that you have your bread, ham and cheese, it is time to make your sandwich!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Sorry, there are still no batteries included.)

For Real This Time, Making The Ham and Cheese Sandwich

Now we are really, truly, going to get to the actual sandwich making this step. To begin making your ham and cheese sandwich, grab your bag of bread and begin to untwist the twisty tie. Not too fast, or you may twist the wrong way and make it tighter. Once it is off, carefully remove two slices, not one, not three, not eighty five, but two slices of bread from the bag. Place them on a paper towel (assuming you have some and are sanitary enough to do so), and grab your ham slices.

Depending on how much ham you want on your sandwich, you may grab two, three, four, or more slices to put in your sandwich. After you've placed your ham on top of one of the bread slices, grab your cheese. Place however much you want on top, and then place your final bread piece atop it's hammy throne. You have now made an actual, real life, not fake, ham and cheese sandwich!!! Congratulations!!! But now comes the fun part. Take the sandwich in both of your hands, open your mouth, take a bite out of it, chew, and swallow. You might just die from the pure holiness of its taste, the pureness of the ham, and the... the... well, the cheesiness of the cheese. You have now completed your quest, no, your destiny, and have now increased your IQ by 1.2. Good Job!!!

If you are smart you would have made a second sandwhich and left it outside your front door for the dark murky people who are coming after you. Food should keep them at bay for now.