“Be a dear and fetch me the computing device, will you, Alfred? I feel the urge to vandalise the Uncyclopedia again with another flurry of delicious top-quotes.”
“Now there's a special template for quoting me!”
“That's a wee bit of bad crumpits with the pitter-patter and all that, the whole flap with the flamboyant fagot and all that.....in prison and all that.”
“I'm a poet. Don't I know it! Show me a cock and I'll happily blow it.”
“All art is at once surface and symbol. But your dad is always in my bed. Those who look beneath the covers do so at their peril. Those who watch are perverts.”
““It's a sorry man who can not invent an Oscar Wilde quote to fit his situation.””
“I find it quite peculiar. Frog-squashing, why that's a capital idea! And when does the squashee receive monetary trinkets perchance? None you say? Hmmm...piss off.”
Oscar Wilde is perhaps the most prolific crafter of fake quotes who ever lived. Renowned worldwide as the Ambassador of Quotes, the Don of Quips, the King of Limericks, and the Premier Provider of Carpet Cleaning Services in the Southern New Jersey Area, Wilde was no stranger to witty remarks, although he was virtually unknown in most of South America. Although a cottage industry has sprung up in England around "Making up Oscar Wilde quotes," (despite the fact that he's Irish) here at Unquotable we screen our quotes for originality and freshness.
In addition, we add a wedge of lemon to each quote, for additional freshness.
It is not widely known that, inspired by the ninjas of Japan's feudal age, Oscar Wilde circulated some of his first untrue quotes to improve his public image and ward off the attention of the law, starting what is now the national pastime in the United Kingdom and multiple small pacific islands.
Oscar Wilde on the Art for Art's Sake Movement
- "I like to shove paint up my ass and fart random patterns onto canvas."
- "I also enjoy the delights of the English gentry; they have nice arses, which I use to fart even more enticing random patterns with paint."
- "One time a particular fart yielded fecal matter, it has been one of my best works since."
- "Whistler's knickers are too tight, and that's why he is wrong."
The Critic as Artist (1891)
- On his death bed: "Those curtains are fucking hideous."
- "Kumquats, Kumquats! I must have my Kumquats!"
- "Why do I keep getting mail addressed to 'Willy Wonka'? Does that have anything to do with the French? God, those loathsome French."
- "Hello, World!"
- (hands on hips) "All right, who urinated in my San Pellegrino? Sooki...was it you?"
De Profundis (1905)
- "At twilight, nature is not without loveliness, though perhaps its chief use is to bone people's sons without them knowing."
- "A witty saying proves nothing, though it can make you really, really famous."
- "I once ate an entire jar of peanut butter, and I didn't even have a spoon!"
- "All women become like their mothers; that is their tragedy. I knew a bloke who got shot in the head and then was mugged by the prime minister of Canada live on News at Ten. That was his."
- "Nostradamus wasn't fucking around."
- "If you really think I said this, you're dumber than you look."
- "The tragedy of Canada is that it could have had British culture, French cuisine and American technology. Instead it got AIDS."
- "I have no regrets. ...Except for that one time with the chicken."
Phrases and Philosophies for the Use of the Young
- "When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers. My prayer was to be immortalized by unintelligent gibbons on a satirical Web site."
- "The only thing worse than being talked about is being sentenced to two years hard labour for buggery."
- The only thing worse than being talked about is being misquoted... well... there's also the Holocaust... The only two things that are worse than being talked about are... well, hard labour is pretty bad too... The only three things that are worse... Now that I think about it, the Spanish Inquisition was worse."
- "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
- "When you wish to politely introduce yourself to a fine young woman of your own class and age, simply walk up to her, bow with resilient respect, grasp her hand gently, and say, 'What's happening, bitch?'"
- "Concordantly, while your first question may be the most pertinent, you may or may not realize it is also the most irrelevant."
- "Don't sweat the petty things...or was it don't pet the sweaty things?"
- "Are we having sex yet?"
- "Understanding is a three-edged sword."
- "I have nothing to declare but that I am here on business and will be staying for about 3 weeks."
- "Underwear is a waste of fabric."
- "One should always be a little incontinent."
- "To wank oneself off is the beginning of a life-long case of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome."
Lady Windermere's Fan (1892)
- "A little Oscar Wilde Parody is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal."
- "There can be only one!"
- "If there's one thing I don't understand, it's everything."
- "Being bitchy and unstable is all part of my mystique."
- "I know I've said some stupid things. And I wasn't even that drunk."
- "No, I don't think it possible to misattribute a quote to Oscar Wilde. On the contrary, I think he said a lot of profound shit!"
- "As Schlong falls, so falls Wichita Falls."
- "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking up ladies' skirts while we're down there."
The Picture of Dorian Gray
- "There is no such thing as a moral or immoral book, except for the Kama Sutra. And the Bible. And that hideous Where's Wally series."
- "I have nothing to declare except war on Austria."
- "How do I wrote poetry?"
- "Amerika-jin no chinchin wa honto ni okii desho!"
- "Listen -- you want to know the truth? Ernest was a little prick. Nothing whatsoever important about him. Plus, he smelled utterly revolting."
- "I'm Oscar Wilde VIII I am! Oscar Wilde VIII I am, I am!"
- "No one wants to see a play called 'Lady Windermere's Fan'. It's going to be called Cocks in Frocks, or I will simply find another publisher."
- "I love the French language... it's a delightful language, especially to curse with. It's like whopping your ass with silk."
- "As Shakespeare stole from me, 'To be or not to be.'"
- "Hey, I'm a poet and was previously unaware of the situation!"
- "Men have sex because they are tired; women, because they are curious: both are killed by AIDS."
- "Hedonism means you truly are a celebrator of life. Or a lazy fuck."
- "Several winters spent alone in a little white walled-in house at Algiers with Mr. Velvet Voice? I should bally well say so, old fruit!"
The Importance of Being Earnest
- "Everyone loves my wiener."
- "A backpack?!"
- "I was going to buy an iPod, but I hated the idea of becoming a silhouette."
- "Napoleon once wanted to have dinner with me. I said: 'Bonnie, you mustn't want that.'"
- "Smith Barney makes their money the old-fashioned way: with torn fishnets, a wig, and sailors on leave."
- "Oscar Wilde, Oscar Wilde, champion of men / Oscar Wilde, Oscar Wilde, with his mighty pen / Feared by the straight, and loved by the gay / Oscar Wilde, Oscar Wilde, Oscar Wilde."
An Ideal Husband
- "There is no sin except stupidity. And that fornication thing... But stupidity is really bad."
- "I can resist everything except the temptation of getting my rocks off with a rotten whore during one of Grover Cleveland's inaugural addresses."
- "I like men in the way that men like girls, but instead of girls, men."
- "Why, of course I'm gay. I'm as gay as a day in May!"
- "Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes. Either experience or Shelby."
- "If my hand could get pregnant, then today I would be the father and founder of the Third Global Superpower."
- "Don't assume I'm not into cheap, meaningless sex."
- "Just because one can reproduce, does not mean one should."
- "Sometimes I like to brag, sometimes I'm soft-spoken; but when I'm in Holland, I eat the pannekoeken."
- "I keep seeing them on the telly, but why is it that I never see any of these Girls Gone Wilde in real life?"
- "I fucked who!?"
- "I fucked whom!?"
- "I shot my semen into the air; 'pon your face it fell, I know not where."
- "No, seriously, who let the fucking dogs out?"
- "I wandered lonely as a cow, but then I threw up a bunch of green stuff and started lactating."
If I Were Prime Minister (1890)
- "The time [for the Great Old Ones to awaken] would be easy to know, for then mankind would have become as the Great Old Ones; free and wild and beyond good and evil, with laws and morals thrown aside and all men trippin' their nut sacks into a frenzy of dick-play. Then the liberated Old Ones would teach them new ways to shout and kill and revel and enjoy themselves, and all the earth would be inflamed with a holocaust of ecstasy and freedom, awash with tits and clits and wangs wild a-spurtin'."
- "I hate people who take drugs. Especially those people in customs."
- "Fuck you douchebags! I'm moving to Moscow!"
Things Oscar Wilde Probably Said
- "My name is Oscar Wilde."
- "No, the jam's in the THIRD cupboard from the top!"
- "How are you?"
- "I have to go."
- "Pardon me."
- "Actually, I'm a mute."
- "A little to the left. No, your other left! OWW! CHRIST! Too far!!"
- "I fail to see why my quotes are so much more popular than, say, Britney Spears."
- "You better have wiped it since you last went, or I will be seriously browned off. Literally."
- "I don't care which of your back-pockets the handkerchief was in, you're MY bitch tonight!"
- "No I am not Musical, I am Literary. Oh, hang on, I see what you mean."
- "There are three kinds of lies: Lies, damned lies, and made-up Oscar Wilde quotes."
All Things Wilde: A listing of everything about Oscar Wilde
|Writings & Inventions|