Brag

brag (br-'ag) n. 1. a long, large, usually flat-bottomed boat that is underpowered and pulled by another craft. 2. I'm motherfucking God. I kill antelopes with scissors!

see also... "I PICK THE GOSH DARN terror of the fucking gods out of my anus! Pardon my language. But WOOTWOOT, let the sons of Adolf and man bear witness! Even in the belly of the Ford Tempo I've been casting out the False Pulpits; I'm busting a gut and blowing my P-ring, and ripe to throw a loaf! For I speak only the motherfucking Truth, and never in my hours have I spoken other than! For my every utterance is a lie, not including this very one you hear! I say, `Fuck'em if they can't take a Pepsid!' By Dog, `Anything for a laugh', I say. I am the last remaining Homo Stupian, I am the god damn Boy of the Past! I'll drive a meter so as not to walk a foot; I am a human being of the first golly darn water! Yes, I'm the javalin humping crackpot that jumped the Men from Uranus! I drank the Devil under eight tables, I am too intense to masterbate, I'm insured for acts o' doG and nataS! I was shanghaied by bodiless fiends and alien amish from a republican galaxy, and got away with their hubcaps! I cannot be tracked on sonar! I wear nothing uniform, I wear no god damn ultriform! Yes baby, I'm 4 feet tall and have 2 rows o' tits; I was suckled by a rhino, I gave the Anti-Virgin an anti-low-protien tonsil wash! I'm a biochemical weapon, I'm armed and bloated! I'm a cold fusion reactor, I fart nickel, power plants are fueled by the cheese from my brow; when they plug me in, the lights go out in Detroit! I weigh 999 pounds in zero gravity, come and get me! I've sired mildly autistic space bitches across the Cosmos, I cook and eat my dads; YIP-ItayYA, I'm the Unshaven Smelly Tree of Atlantis! I pay my taxes early! The Devil's genitals are my ideal playground! I hold the Seven-Bladed Pinwheel; the wheels that turn are along side of me; I think in Morse code! I do it for kicks! My imagination is a fucking leprosy and I'll porkchop it before it porkchops me! They say a google is the highest number there is. Well by Bob! I count to a google and one! Yes, I'm the puce flower of Chicken County, give me wide carriage; when I drop my testicles, Mother Angelica swoons! I use a Monty Python for a prophylactic; I'm thinner, softer and more absorbant than the Iragi Pipeline, and carry more spunk! I'll eat your seed before it hits the kitchen floor! BEE! BEEE! I kidnapped the past and ransomed it for the halibut, I made Length wait up for me to bleed my random word! My infernal farts wilt the Tree of Liff, I left my spoon on the Rock of Roll, who'll tear bread with me, who'll spill their O.J.? Who'll gouge on me, whose blablabla will I fart out? FUCK IT! Whoop! I'm ready! So step aside, all you butt-lipped, neurotic, insecure bespectacled slabs o' wimp meat! I'm a Crime Fighting Master Criminal, I am Not Insane! I'm a screamer and a laugher, I make a spectacle of myself, I am a sight! My physical type cannot be classified by science, my `familiar' is a pterodactyl, I feed it dipshits! I communicate without wires or strings! I am a Thuggee, I am feared in the Tongs, I have the Evil Eye, I carry the Mojo Bag; I swam the Bermuda Triangle and didn't get wet! I circumcize dinosaurs with my teeth and make 'em leave a tip; I change tires with my tongue and my tool! Every night I hock up a lunger and extinguish the Sun! I'm the bigfooted devil of Level 14, who'll try to blow me down? I've packed the brownies of the gods, I leak the Plague from my nether parts, opiates are the mass of my religion, I take drugs! Yes, I'm a rip-snorter, I cram coca leaves right into my arm-veins before they're picked off the tree! Space monsters cringe at my tread! I wipe the Pyramides off my shoes before I enter my house. I'm fuel-injected, I'll live forever and remember it afterwords! I'm immune! I'm radioactive! Come on and give me cancer, I'll spit up the tumor and butter my bread with the juice! I'm supernatural, I bend crowbars with my meat ax and a thought! My droppings bore through the earth and erupt volcanoes in China! Yes, I can drink more wine and stay soberer than all the heathen Hindoos in Asia! YEEE HAW! Gut Blowout! I am a Moray Eel, I am a Komodo Dragon, I am the Killer Whale bereft of its pup! I have a triple backbone, I was sired by the Wolf Man, give me all your Slack! I told Jesus I wouldn't go to church and He shook my hand! I have my own personal saviors, I change 'em every hour, I don't give a fuck if there's life after death, I want to know if there's even any fucking Slack after death! I am a god damn visionary, I see the future and the past in comic books and wine bottles; I eat black holes for breakfast! I bend my genes and whittle my DNA with the sheer force of my mighty will! I steer my own god damn evolution! I ran 'em out of Heaven and sold it to Hell for a profit! I'm enlightened, I achieved `Nirvana' and took it home with me. Yip, yip, YEEEEEEE! I'm so ugly the Speed of Light can't slow me down and Gravity won't tug at my cuffs! When the Rapture comes, I'll make 'em wait! They'll never clean my cage! Now give me some more of..."

(Tape runs out.)

See also

• Church of the Subgenius
• bacon fat