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Residents enjoy the Atlantis nightlife

Atlantis was a mysterious island nation of prehistoric and early historic times. According to legend, it was the most highly developed culture the ancient world had ever known, possessing technology not seen anywhere else in the world for millennia. However, the only invention which has been definitively traced to Atlantis is belly button lint, developed by Atlantean philosopher-king Narvel Felts.

Atlantis sank into the depths of the Transatlantic Ocean sometime between 3000 and 2000 BC, or possibly before 5000 BC, or.... Well, in all honesty, nobody knows when it sank and nobody really cares[1]. Although Greek myths attribute the sinking to Zeus, historians have long debated who sank it and how they did it. One theory holds that it was Col. Mustard with a really, really big candlestick, while another claims it was Professor Plum with a bag of ice cubes and a blowtorch[2].

Geography[edit | edit source]

Atlantis was originally the fifth Hawaiian island, however, that island sank into the sea. The civilization was subsequently moved to a low-lying island off the coast of Bimini, as predicted by Edgar Cayce 4,000 years later. However, that island also sank into the sea. Finally, the frustrated Atlanteans moved their civilization to the mountainous, volcanic Greek island of Thera, which thereafter blew up, fell over, and sank into the sea, giving rise to Greek mythology, and a lot of steam.

Climate[edit | edit source]

Wet. Very wet. Like the underbelly of a camel, only not quite so hairy.

History[edit | edit source]

The Atlantean civilization was actually founded by space aliens about 9,000 B.C., or about 11,000 B.C.E., which translates to 13,636 Canadian. The forefathers of the Atlanteans came to Earth in search of some nookie, having heard that Earth girls are easy. They were not mistaken[3]. The foremothers of the Atlanteans were a bunch of little foretrollops who agreed to go for a ride in a flying saucer and thereafter put out.

After the forefathers of Atlantis found out that they were going to be forefathers, and were unable to convince the foremothers to “get rid of it”, they quickly left the planet. About nine months later, the Atlantean civilization was born in what is now a brothel.

The civilization thrived in Hawaii for many centuries, building temples, citadels, palaces, and Wal Marts. They cultivated a rich, vibrant culture with rituals such as luaus, pig roasts, and some really radical surfing. Finally, the gig was up. According to the official story, the First Atlantis sank into the sea. However, it should be noted that at the time of the alleged sinking, the Atlanteans were under investigation by Hawaii 5-0 for cultivating some funky cash crops. Some historians believe that the island of Atlantis never really sank at all, but was moved over and renamed “Maui” and the cash crops became what is today known as Maui-Wowie.

The geographic position of Atlantis II, shortly before it sank beneath the waves (c. 2500 BC). It sank so far, in fact, that it went completely through the center of the Earth and came out the opposite side, becoming the modern-day Commonwealth of Australia.

Following the alleged sinking of the first Atlantis, and the almost certain information that a raid was pending, the Atlanteans decided to lie low for a few centuries. A Second Atlantis was opened on a low-lying island off the coast of Bimini. This island did, in fact, sink into the sea, and the Atlanteans escaped in a Yellow Submarine.

The third and Final Atlantis was erected (snicker) on the volcanic island of Thera, also known as Santana. It is still a mystery why any civilization would choose to establish itself on an active volcano. (see Fucktards), however, some historians speculate that the rent was really low and they had a great balcony. At any rate, establish they did, and, under the watchful leadership of their great Lizard King, Morrison, they built pyramids in honor of their escaping the sinking of the Second Atlantis.

These pyramids were set atop the island’s highest mountain, Mont Ana. In them lived some gods who were later appropriated by the Greeks. The father of these gods was Zeus “the Moose” Olympus, who was mean as hell and had a really short fuse.

Atlantis is illustrated in terms of its relationship with the North Sea Archipelago.

Sometime after 1700 B.C., but before 1966 A.D., the Atlanteans did something that really pissed off Zeus. Legend has it that they offended his daughter, Artemis, by drawing a picture of her with lots of boobies. However, Myth has it that they ran out of wine with which to offer libations to Zeus, and instead used some really cheap American beer, possibly Milwaukee’s Best or Stag. Rumor does not have it.

Anyway, Zeus caused the entire island to explode, fall over, and sink into the sea, in that order. Those Atlanteans who did not fry, suffocate, or drown, respectively, escaped to neighboring islands like the Caribbean, Kentucky and Mississippi, where they were fried, suffocated, or drowned by the native inhabitants. A few Atlanteans did survive this pogrom, and, of this group, seven stranded castaways endured a life with no phones, no lights, no motorcars, not a single luxury, like Robinson Crusoe, as primitive as can be. After many generations of inbreeding, the descendants of these castaways became Fucktards or FUCKTARDS.

The remaining Atlanteans were scattered like Dustin the Wind, occasionally turning up for an occasional guest appearance on Hollywood Squares.

The mayor of Atlantis is currently Lewis Hamilton.

Culture[edit | edit source]

Atlanteans had a highly developed sense of what was cool. In addition to their great king, Morrison, the Atlanteans also produced such notable poets and musicians as Ziggy Stardust, and their final king, Carlos of Santana. It is reputed, but never proven, that they built the first bong, invented beer, and developed an exclusive system of members-only housing and party invitations later appropriated by the neighboring Greeks (see Greek System).

What can certainly be determined from the archaeological record is that the Atlanteans had a written language, a code of laws, and a thoroughly developed philosophy: “shit happens”. They have also left us with a number of famous myths, including the “Tale of the Hypodermic Needle in the Phone Booth”, the “Epic of Goulash”, and “Of Course I Was a Virgin When We Met.”

In addition, Reggae was invented in Atlantis by Mozart in 1497 B.C. (Canadian), and is still the driving force in popular Atlantean entertainment to this day. Or would be, if they hadn't pissed off Zeus.

Aftermath[edit | edit source]

With the exception of the aforementioned Fucktards, the surviving descendants of the Atlanteans were a bunch of sneaky, conniving bastards. They were responsible for founding such evil organizations as the Illuminati, the Freemasons, the Trilateral Commission, the Council on Foreign Relations, and France. If you see one, turn out the lights, pull the shades, and pretend you are not home until he goes away. No, wait, that’s the Jehovah's Witnesses. Anyway, you get the idea.

Notes[edit | edit source]

  1. Some believe it is located in the Mediterranean, but the truth is, it must be in the Atlantic. It's At-Freaking-Lantis, see? Atlantis, Atlantic. The only difference is the c and s.
  2. He wasn't a real professor, by the way: real professors don't go around sinking islands
  3. Oh boy were they not mistaken!

See also[edit | edit source]