I am high

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

“I got high on a plane, so I was waaaaaaaaaaaay high. Hurr hurr, huh huh hugh... you got any food, braw?”

~ Oscar Wilde on weed

Duuuuuude! I'm, like, on the light box! I see letters!

Contents, and stuff[edit | edit source]

Have you ever, you know, looked at the sky and gone "Hello, sky," and then the sky says "Whats 'UUUUUP' my man?" and you are all, "Man, try this hook yo." and then the sky turns milk sour and starts ragging on you, like, with colors and stuff, and it's all "Hey man, thas Cat fur!" So your all "Mom, I washed the dog yesturday." and the sky coughs blood? Yeah, man, that was some crazy humping that night.

Were you out there? In the parking lot? Last night? Yeah man, did you see me? Oh yeah, with the fog machine? Yeah, that was me. That was all me. I was smoking ten joints a day. That wasn't fog. That was smoke. And then you felt something warm against you? That was me. And I was like "Oh yeah!" Humping you. Or maybe it was you wetting yourself. And then I screamed "WEED!" Then the cops came and shut my joint down. And then that rock hit me on the head. And I woke up in an animal shelter.

Whoa man. Just whoa. Have you ever thought about...the parrots? I mean, look at em...with their feathers and their follicking. Old man Johnson has a parrot, we should go teach him, like, a lesson. Then we can raid his fridge, cause I'm starving, you know? Why don't we all just, like, live together in peace and harmony? What's with the man always keeping us down, saying we can't have sex or can't breathe? What kind of world IS that, man? Whoa, check this crazy junk out.

That is like, awesome, dude. That makes me happy in my soul, you know? Like, if I could do that, I'd go up to some dude and be like, "In your face, pedestrian!" and he'd be all, "You stoner!" and I'd be all "Dude, I haven't smoked a single hit yet. Go wet your panties somewhere else." then he'd be all "I'm a cop." and I pull off my pants and go "FREEDOM!" or something. Like, my pants are missing. I just noticed, that is so wack, man. No pants means freedom. It's symbolic, man. Everything has a meaning, because that's the way God intended it to. God is a cool dude. He like, made the universe, and he made drugs, so he's okay. He should come over, man, he doesn't know what he is missing. Like, send Jesus or Mohamed or Misty back on down so we can be like "Hey man, WHATSUP?!?!?" and they'd be all "Dudes! We packed the bongs!" so then we'd sit around getting happy all day, you know? And, you know, these crisps here, i can eat them but you guys cant, cause im INVINCIBLE maan! That rocks so much man, i can lik go out in the woods and look at those flowers man, cause those flowers sure look good man. And once they made me the peace-sign man! Oh man, that was incredible!

God, though man, he is an uptight PRICK, if you know what I mean. He's got that whole "Holier-than-though" emo thing going on, and dude, he needs to get laid. I mean, with all that smiting, you know, he looks like a pretty cranky guy. He doesn't call me unless I hit the weed, man. That's not a friend, that's like, an anti-friend. He isn't a friend, he's a hater. Screw you, God. I'm my own man, man.

Aw dude, this joint is running dry. That be my last one! This sucks, man. Is there anything left in the hook? No? Damn, man. I think some is still in the flour pan. Aww, dude, don't vomit on the carpet. I gotta, you know, pay for things, because the greed of man is strangling my wallet, you know? I've got to eat too. Hey, guys, take a look at this, haha. Shit, I think im already in Kentuckistan.

I am currently baaaaaaaaaked. Why the hell do fruits have to grow on trees? why the fuck would we fucking pick some shit off of a tree and eat it. who was the first person to eat a fruit? was a caveman just like "im hungry ima start picking shit outa trees and eating them" . i bet there were some fuckin pissed birdies. If i were a birdie that was in a tree that a caveman was eating leaves and fruits and shit outa id get the fuck outa there before i got eated.i love WEED man i will never stop never my mom is trying to make me but i wont. i will tell you mt story so i just sat there staring at my friends they started moving like out of f***in nowhere it scread the s*** out of me because it was my first time.it was WICKED AS HELL!!!!!!!

So I packed my pipe right? With this dank shit and I smoked it and now I'm sitting here thinking, "What if you could make things solid and liquid at will." And I'm pretty sure, I just made my dog into liquid by blowing smoke in his ears and getting him pretty fucked. He's melting all over the floor.

WEED![edit | edit source]


I am high. You should be too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck y'all i'm getting weed.

so i was looking through a kaleidoscope and i'm like hey man there's like a lot of you so i had another one to but that one has glitter in a tube and i never know which one because i can walk around with that one and its like hey im on an adventure like a pirate and i can see things but with the other it has its own pictures its like shit man!!!!!!!!?!?!?

Hahaha look at tha bright side of this thing... we get freeee undies hahahahaahhahahaha look a acrossdresser oo lalal girl shake that thag girlll shake that thing like fuck yeah girlll

Whoa i'm high omg... crosssdfrewssser jaahaaa so that bananas in pajamas never made it on air you know.........

so today here we have... jerry springer ont eh latter man show..... so jerry how was the out doors.. the bridge in the old england

well lester..... its bin hella good

all the pimps and hoe sall up in mty hood you.... springer out

so like there is a hooker ont he dtreeet and then the pimp gies like hahahah hold on to me............. hold on to me........ give me ypu purse..........

so then there es this story.. of this girl... and she was like yo we need some of that hooka sats sherehhreee

so when i ran down the street... the pickel was like wtf mannn. where is my carpet dood dooo huh? wtf man like nigga we need some polls up in here ya now

So this is my story all bout how my life got lit, blazed upside right, and i'd like to take a minute, just toke right there, to tell you how I became the stoner you see right here. In north illinois born and raised, in the suburbs where I spent most of my days- Chillin out, passed out all cool, shooting some shots outside of a pool. When a couple of hippies, were like "whats up dude", started toking up in my neighborhood. I took one little hit and i was way up where. A feeling that had me coughing and gasping for air. the bowl was passed, and when it came near, the weed was fresh and packed nice and tight. If anything I could say that this path was weird but I took up the lighter and... *cough wheeze* im back in the air. I ripped it till round 7 or 8, I checked the bag, said "man its cashed, see you later" I looked at my bowl, I was finally there, gone off my ass and a stoner.

FREEDOM! PEACE! LOVE![edit | edit source]


im so lean

Screw you, man, this stuff is awesome. Gimme your joint, this is my shack, my rules, bro. What the hell, Jose, this isn't weed! This is useless bunk! Get the hell out of my house, you damn leech. All of you can leave, man. You are all killing my stuff, and it's soul, man. This sucks damn much. Out, out, out, man. All of you.

Masturbation is awesome when high. GiGgEtY!

It's not the same, man. I miss them. I miss my fix. Aw, dude. I can't do anything but TYPE now. This sucks. Can I smoke you, computer? I'm going to go to the bathroom, man. meow meow mewo. im nervous um hihgh. LOLOL high not hi. High love you. High are you gdoing. its so sunny outside. took me like an hour to figure this page out. freaking out in a bad way. jk. people are very important.'' that is all. ____

this is your computer and you cannot smoke me can i smoke you i want a dog oh no the russians are coming quick eat this lemon pie while i go get the baseball cap.dude like come on help me shit dude ahhh the skys fallin dude,mannnnnn....oh shit...the cloudsd...here gos the rain dont dry out my joint rain....man thasss messsed up!!! gimme my lighter...stupid rain...im electronis....dude man...screw you....

All you need is love. And some quality bud. Watching Imagine: John Lennon right now and he's speaking to me through time. I love weed.

What?[edit | edit source]

I hereby pledge to make no more attempts to smoke any weed, and I will go back to school. Also, I'm not letting them smoke in my room again. And I'm going to fix that leaky pipe in the bathroom, and become president! And, I'm going to go apologize to old man johnson for beating up his mailbox. Aw man, this is getting good. Okay, I'm going to clean the room! Um, tommorrow. And, I'm going to get a job! Wait, did I say that? Eh, I'll get two jobs. Maybe three! No more weed, too. No more hash, no more speed, no more acid, no more weed, no more dust, no more acid, no more weed, no more hash, no more of nothing. I'm clean, man. I'm getting my drivers card back, man. I'm going to be hell on wheels, legally. No more restraints because of DUI for me! I'm a new man!

Dude, this deserves a celebration. I saved some weed for just an occasion! Cheers!I am so high my eyes feel like they cry dry. Fat kids

And so begins the part two- the deuce, if you will, of the story- which has nothing to do with pirates or penguins or whatever the fuck people were talking about when i lit my pizz-ipe. As the smoke-y sensation crept down my throat, dancing because marijuana smoke particles are simply just pricks, I felt like I needed to cough and did like a steam-powered bitch engine (you know, because i coughed...).

I think it's time to give me the keys Larry.

I do love to talk to japetto and his wooden boy ponochio then id smash head in with a bat and say u fucking wooden piece of shit! life is for real boys mother fucker and the steel chair his and and use his remains to make various pies of furniture. You will not belive this but i have two motherfucking chinks in my yeard man! fucking farm animals man )_) oaah shit i got school tomorow... what a waste of my time fucking government keeping me trapped up til im 21 just to keep me off the streets and feed me your lies and when i get out your just gonna tax the legel weed anyways so fuck you Bla Bla Black sheep have u any wool. "nigga no i aint got no fucking wool! why niggas always come up and ask me if i got any motha fucking wool" i outta fuck u niggas up goood here? nigga get running while i grab my fucking shoutgun....pow pow pow, ningga i told u now u dont fuck with the black sheeep! YE YE! AND FUCK THE POLICE!" Johnny Appleseed


Ever notice how some girls have puffy nipples? I mean, yeah, boobs are boobs i'm not arguing that, but do you think God just doesn't love them as much? I mean, I know if I was in a position like that, I would bias the shit outta who and who doesn't get to rip my vaporizer. We named it Hakuna Matata because it means no worries, and i think that is the greatest name i have come up for anything ever ;P even better than naming your kid Apple or Pilot Inspektor or Sudoku...

But i digress- once the mary jane is dancing through my sinuses and waltzing some sort of tango with dexter, all of life starts to vibrate in motion like a giant amp- and we just happened to be in it while its turned on, much like that one Dane Cook joke- just not as arrogant, nor loud. i mean seriously, the guy like shouts everything he says. if that one stand-up comic with the really whiny voice (the one they have on those flatulence-silencer things on that Family Guy episode) said any of his material, it simply wouldn't be funny. But you know what is funny- everything. because i am high.

I swear it's like sometimes everything makes more sense than other times when it doesnt make any sense. especially cause everything never makes sense. cuz im sober tho. it makes sense when im hiiii. cats are better than dogs cuz dogs take shits and rub their asses on the carpet. little bastard rubbing his booty to destroy me. also cats have nice ears. the arbiter gets to make decisions about someones nxt state of being so you can call my bong the arbiter. ARBITER! im dead.