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M A I N   P A G E

Oscar WildeWinston Churchill
AnonymousAlbert Einstein
Christopher WalkenSun-Tzu
Benjamin FranklinMark Twain
Thomas JeffersonNoel Coward
Arthur C. ClarkeWilliam Shatner
Bill GatesYodaAristotle
Charles DarwinSwedish Chef
VoltaireJohn F. Kennedy
Adolf HitlerKeanu Reeves
George Washington
Dan Quayle
Captain ObliviousNostradamus


GodJesus ChristCthulhuSatan

See Also

Welcome, n00bz!Tackiness Manual
Quoting PolicyQuotable People
Deep ThoughtsEpitaphs
MnemonicsHamletHELP !

Unquotable's collection of gravestone epitaphs shows the depths to which some people will sink when confronted with the truth of their own mortality. Even the great Jean Paul Sartre — whose epitaph probably reads, "Merde!" — was known to carve things in stone on occasion, just to amuse his Marxist pals, usually while piss-drunk.

Please note that not all epitaphs here are for people who are actually dead, at least not at the time they were written. In many cases, they are actually suggestions for the person in question, who may be looking for free epitaph-writing help from members of the public at large. By all means, please feel free to add some suggestions of your own.


Ed McMahon Just scratch this headstone! You may already have won $10,000,000!
Elmo Hello, everybody! Elmo is dead!
Arnold Schwartzenegger Hasta la vista, baby.
Andrew Gamache thats what she said
Andy Rooney Didja ever wonder what it'd be like to be really, really dead? I did.
Carl Sagan Out of the billions and billions of epitaphs I had to choose from, I just had to pick this one.
Keith Richards Don't worry, I still look exactly the same.
Jack Klugman It's a HOMICIDE!!!
Shirley MacLaine In my next life, I'll be a famous corpse
Bill Gates I have fallen to the Blue Screen of Death...
Greta Garbo I want to be alone.
Homer Simpson D'OH!!!
Batman To the BATGRAVE Robin!
Spike Milligan I told you I was ill.
Stephen Colbert No sparky!
Steve Balmer Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers!
Steve Jobs iDied
Roberto Carlos Braga Eu tenho muito amor pelas crianças. (I have much love for kids.)
Simone Bittencourt de Oliveira Então é natal... (So this is Christmas...)

Historical Figures[edit]

Descartes Je ne pense pas... (I think not...)

Zork Related People[edit]

Zork Player I hate that grue!


Sir Bradaphraser Oh shit, wrong link.
Sir Uncyclopedia Wikipedia has nothing on the power of the Pop Bomb
Some user How many times do I have to come back before you finally believe that this is the last time I'm leaving?
Oscar Wilde Roses are red, violets are blue; I am now dead, and soon you'll be too
The Humbled Master Sidney Trammell be damned, someone call an ambulance!
Uncyclopedian Too many N...R...V...s....
Zork Implementor L *** I have died ***
Metalface I knew I shouldn't have lit the red candle!
Captain BatFuck Insane Eyebeams quick
Fraser Aidney loving husband, devoted mother of three
Captain Obvious Here lies Captain Obvious. Since he is laying here, he is not laying anywhere other than here and he is dead. Since he is dead, he is no longer living. Therefore, the dead (not living) body of Captain Obvious is laying here (not anywhere else), and is dead. go eat shit fuckers
Some user named Adam Damn, I should have forwarded that