HowTo:Get Banned

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“Suicide is painless ...”

~ M*A*S*H on coping with a ban

Are you perennially accepted with open arms wherever you go? Do you always find a place by the fire and a nice pair of comfy slippers waiting for you?

Tiresome, isn't it?

I bet you'd just love to take those slippers and hurl them into the fire, just for fun. I mean, really cool people get banned all the time, so why not you? Is there something wrong with you? Were you stamped with accepted at birth?

Lou Reed walked on the wild side and got banned all the time – especially from the NYC Woman's Institute and Bridge Club. The wild side sure sounds exciting doesn't it? And it's a long long way from the dull side that you currently inhabit. So, here it is – your final article before you get thrown off this bus.

Welcome to this informative yet non-comprehensive instructional guide to getting the door slammed as you are unceremoniously thrown to the street like the gutter-feeding, petty-whining, ass-vomiting tripe bucket that everyone else knows you are.

Are you ready? Then we'll begin.

You will know it is time to turn the page when Tinkerbell rings her little bell, like this:

(ban-ning!)

A vandal about to get banned

Ban Tips for Beginner Users

1. Blank pages. Yes, by gosh, there are a few idiots out there that didn't know this. Hoorah! Can't save your edit? No problem, how about you blank pages (or, failing that, sections) and then replace them with {{Blank}} instead?
2. Blank this page and replace it with "Is this how you get banned?"
3. Fuck up some articles by adding some random shit to them.
4. Write a bunch of inane micro-stub articles, and then interlink them.
   • For extra fun, feel free to spamlink your shit onto good articles.
   • Don't fancy putting in too much effort? Fine, simply write a fucking bunch of inane micro-stub articles. Then quit.
5. Keep re-creating an article that an admin keeps deleting.
6. Write a nasty talk page note to the admin who keeps deleting your "article".
7. Complain to other admins that an admin keeps deleting your "article".
8. Send an email to multiple admins on Uncyclopedia that an admin keeps deleting your "article".
   • Want to go to town? Send your email to every fucking admin, you annoying little cunt!
9. Create the talk page for your "article" that three different admins have deleted, asking why it is being deleted.
10. Put shitty canned quotes on every page you see.
11. Change all the quotes at the top of articles to feature your name instead of, say, Oscar Wilde.
12. Write Chuck Norris facts. Anywhere.
    • Want to go town? Write the same shit on as many articles as possible on Uncyclopedia.
13. Create an army of sockpuppets with names like "[Admin's name] has a tiny cock" or "I have a massive cock". This will probably get you banned and deleted quicker than the other methods.
14. Create multiple forum topics declaring that "I DECLARE BANKRUPTCY!" in all caps.
15. Edit Cassie's userpage. Period.
16. Litter tons of articles with expletives, or even Template:Expletive.
17. Vandalize pages.
    • Want to fuck about even more? Feel free to boast about it on Wikipedia or Encyclopedia Dramatica.
18. Vandalize Wikipedia. Period.
    • Want to fuck about some more? Feel free to not fuck about with Encyclopedia Dramatica.
19. Vandalise Wikipedia, and boast about it on Uncyclopedia.
20. Put an admin on Ban Patrol. Period.
    • Want an excuse to fuck about? Just complain that he deleted your shitty article.
21. Create an army of sockpuppets and tell people in Discord about them, then complain to Flammable about how psychologically damaging it is to get a permanent ban and then say I didn't know using a sockpuppet could cause me to be banned like this!
22. Replace a currently featured article with porn.
23. Revert edits to a vandalised diff, and say in the summary "reverted vandalism".
24. Send hatemail to the admins. Period.
25. Make long rants about how one article would make people go on violent killing sprees.
26. Add your friends, family or classmates to Homosexual, Gay or such articles.
27. Vandalize Goatse. 'Nuff said.
28. Type excessively in ALL CAPS on a forum until an admin blocks you for "yelling".
29. Blank the Earth article and replace the text with "mostly harmless". That's never been done before.
30. Chant "FUCK <insert admin here>" all the time, everywhere, then make an Uncyclopedian Cult about it. Feel free to also devote everything to it!
31. Make many articles that consist of the lines: "<Insert name here> is gay! Ha ha ha ha!" Also insert that in many articles. Will get an infiniban. For example, see [1]
32. Vandalise Romania, or some random page.
33. Blank a user's userpage and then claim it as your own.
34. Add your birthday or those of your friends to the anniversaries pages.
35. Add your signature to an article.
36. Overlook adding your signature to a talk page. [2] Keep doing this after being warned.
37. Nominate an unbanned user's userpage to VFD.
38. Vandalise another user's userpage.
39. Tell the admins they're fucking sadists. Even if they are.
40. Stop a count and start at one again.
41. Add to this list more than once within a fifteen year period.
42. Triple redirect.
    • Or go even better and redirect even more fucking times. There's no limit, so just do whatever the fuck you want!
43. .sdrawkcab gnihtyreve etirw (Write everything backwards.)
44. Replace articles (or, failing that, sections) with "AAAAA!".
45. .uʍop ǝpısdn buıɥʇʎɹǝʌǝ ǝʇıɹʍ (Write everything upside down.)
46. ʍɹıʇǝ ǝʌǝɹʎʇɥıub qɐɔʞʍɐɹps ɐup ndsıpǝ poʍu. (Write everything backwards and upside down.)
47. Write everything in rot13.

The BanMagnet 2000 extended keyboard is preferred
by 99% of power users over standard 104-key models.

Ban Tips for Intermediate Users

1. Add your favorite category to every article you see.
2. Add your favorite template to every article you see.
3. Write long political rants or complaints on voting pages.
4. Move pages around without good reason.
5. Move pages to new locations, then move them back to their original location just to prove that you can.
6. Complain to an admin that s/he's stupid (a coward, a jerkass, a dick, etc.), and is ruining pages, is wrecking your template, or otherwise "has no right" to do whatever it is that they did.
7. Annoy an admin until he/she decides to ban you.
8. Dick with admin user pages, policy pages, or articles that offend your moral sensibility.
9. Create a "clone article" featuring your very own made-up version of Carlow Crab, Hitler, Darth Vader, or Jesus. For bonus points, try Darth Carlow Jeshitler!
10. Create a "clone article" of AAAAAAAAA! (examples: BBBBBBBBB!, ZZZZZZZZZ!, Chirp!, Meow!, Woof!, or Moo!)
11. Insist that pages like Meow!, Woof!, and Developers! aren't clones of AAAAAAAAA!.
12. Create a "clone article" of An article that contains nothing but a full stop, e.g. an article that contains nothing but a comma.
13. Link every word in an article to your userpage.
14. Link every word in an article to goatse.
15. Link every word in an article, except the ones that say goatse, to goatse. The ones that say goatse link to your userpage.
16. Type: #REDIRECT [[Goa Tse]] onto every single page on Uncyclopedia (after blanking them, of course).
17. Link every full stop in every article on Uncyclopedia to an article that contains nothing but a full stop.
18. Create articles with titles like "<Admin Name> IS A COCK" and "<Admin Name> SMOKES WEED FOR CASH", but they contain glowing praise about <Admin Name>.
19. Vandalize pages as an anonymous IP, until every IP address in your school is banned or rangeblocked.
20. Vandalize your own user page as an anonymous IP.
21. Rewrite an article from scratch, then mark it as a minor edit. The summary can be "formatting".
22. Make a huge number of large consecutive edits with a minor edit on top.
23. Never use the preview button.
24. Complain on the Village Dump that an admin keeps deleting your article.
25. Edit every topic in the Village Dump so that it looks like everyone are some of these: (pokemon fan-boys, pedophiles, stalkers, date-rapers, assaulters, kidnappers, preschooler abducters, users, druggers, home invaders, robbers, snatchers, sexual harassers, sexual predators, terrible adulterers, hippies, torturers, murderers, killers, homiciders, psychopaths, patriciders, Mormons, hit and runners, pathological liars, womanizers, debaucherers, horrificly lewd people, grotesquely perverse men, fundamentalists, traitors, evil mercenaries, insane librarians, arms dealers, Spock impersonators, ex-cons, Delta Force, the entire cast of Gilligan's Island, mad scientists, etc).
26. Create a page called "The word parakeet written exactly two hundred and forty three times" that contains only the word "parakeet" written exactly two hundred and forty three times, and try to recreate it exactly two hundred and forty three times. Ban: 243 days. Punishment fits the crime!
27. Change the spelling in the above article to say "Ban: 243 years" 243 times. Ban: Obviously 243 years decades years centuries years millenia years mega anna years "infinite".
28. Create a complete different page called "The word parakeet written exactly two hundred and forty-two times". Then confess to doing so. Be sure to offer proof.
29. Write an article about your favorite Internet Meme.
30. Switch parts of a featured article with each other, and put in paragraphs from other, much worse articles.
31. Steal subpages from other users by moving them to your userpage.
32. Nominate your favorite internet meme for VFH.
33. Create an account where the password is revealed in the user name, so any vandal can take control of it and vandalise. Bonus: you don't have to do any of the work, someone else will get the account banned for you.
34. Create an esoteric template, and spam it on a bunch of articles, including an admin's user page.
35. Move a page, and "forget" to fix double redirects created! (Even if it's a page like Vandalism/example!)
36. Nominate a REALLY shitty picture for VFP.
37. Give Hinoa the Bucket of Piss Award even though he's long gone.
38. Continually bitch about discussions being moved to Forum:BENSON and/or the renaming of that forum.
39. Use {{USERNAME}} in a childish manner (Such as, but not limited to, adding "{{USERNAME}} is gay" to pages).
40. Talk about your new template idea on the Village Dump.
41. Praise Encyclopedia Dramatica.
42. Nominate {{USERLINK}} or {{USERNAME}} for UN:BP.
43. Or, nominate yourself for UN:BP.
44. Add a (pathetic) Russian reversal to Russian reversal (phenomenon).
45. Nominate at least 47 articles for VFD without placing a {{VFD}} tag on the article you're nominating.
46. Try Killing Cassie with the {{Killed}} template. Messing with Cassie probably isn't a good idea anyway.
47. Create the article Mr Winkler is GAY, or a spinoff of it.
48. Redirect a featured article to Nihilism.
49. Actually fucking ask why an admin would ban themselves.
50. Create many short pages with no content.

A Certificate of Ownage is conferred upon
those users who've gone full retard.

Ban Tips for Expert Users

1. Try to get the Uncyclopedia employees to form a union.
2. Start a "Frequent Users Who Aren't Admins Club".
3. Create a "FUWAA Club" category.
4. Fuck about with with essential system templates.
5. Repeatedly revert a well-written article to a previous stub or ICUed version without actually contributing anything.
6. Repeatedly revert war with an admin, asking why they "ruined things" with their changes.
7. Start a revert war with an admin and revert the bloody hell out of pages when they revert them.
8. Take a long, popular article, and rewrite it to an unfunny stub.
9. Repeatedly attack other users in the edit summary.
10. Write long political rants or complaints on every page you visit.
11. Make complaints about Euroipods and/or its author at every opportunity on talk pages, in your signature, and even inside templates.
12. Hijack the Uncyclopedia Logo on the upper left corner with your signature. Feel free to put a shock image in place of the Uncyclopedia Logo.
13. Put {{ICU|~~~~~}} on a featured article.
14. Put {{ICU|<random admin's name>}} on a featured article.
15. Rewrite a featured article.
16. Rename a featured article to a title you prefer.
17. Insist that there is a cabal.
18. Forge votes from real users on VFH until your article (which is slated-for-removal) is next in line to be featured. (Even better if the article in question is about Identity theft.)
19. Give sympathy votes to crappy candidates on voting pages.
20. Nominate the Main Page, Deletion log, VFH page, Recent changes, or Block log for VFH.
21. Nominate a talk or forum page for VFH. Bonus points for Talk:Euroipods or any BENSON page. (Double bonus points for a Forum_talk: page in the BENSON forum.)
22. (Even better, instaban for infitime) Use an open proxy whilst logged in.
23. Tell an admin how to do their job. This works even better if they've been an admin longer than you've been a user.
24. Write something that allows people to win at Zork. If you do this, you will be eaten by a Grue when, and if, your ban expires.
25. Create a redirect to this page.
26. Nominate a Wikipedia article for VFH.
27. Put a featured article up for VFD.
28. Nominate a huffed article for VFH. (Yes, even This page does not exist. Or its talk page.)
29. Nominate BENSON for WotM (or for any monthly award other than Benson of the Month).
30. Award Benson of the month to a fake Benson or to anyone other than BENSON.
31. Put Do NOT Delete this Article up for VFD.
32. Put the Deletion Policy up for VFD.
33. Place {{ICU|~~~~~}} on pages more than a week old.
34. Place "__NOEDITSECTION__<div id="old-forum-warning"></div>" into your Signature or into a widely used template.
35. Nominate an admin on Ban Patrol.

Ban Tips for Ultra Class X3 Omega Users

1. Advertise that you're a Ultra Class X3 Omega User on your userpage.
   • No luck? Try advertising the fact on at least 47 userpages belonging to someone else.
2. See to it that every single page is replaced by Encyclopedia Dramatica's counterpart page. As an extra stinger, make sure every Encyclopedia Dramatica page is swapped with Uncyclopedia's counterpart page.
3. Make all pages an ASCII image of a cock.
4. Vote creatively. If people can use 4, why not write 4 using summation notation: $\sum _{k=0}^{1}\left(2k+1\right)$ , or an integral: $\int _{-\pi /4}^{\pi /4}2{\sqrt {2}}(\cos {x}-\sin {x})\,dx$ ?
5. Send People to this pointless article: http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/%53%70%65%63%69%61%6c%3a%55%73%65%72%6c%6f%67%6f%75%74
6. Impersonate Cajek.
7. Create multiple sockpuppets, then have them collaborate on articles, begin friendships, vote for each other, form alliances, fall in love, get married, give birth to more sockpuppets, become disillusioned with the marriage, have affairs, find out about each others' affairs, break up, start fighting with each other, create more sockpuppets to become new spouses ...
8. Vandalise the main page. No, serisously.
9. Vandalise protected pages without even knowing it.
10. Follow these edits. Note the style and charisma in which they were contributed and mimic it to the fullest. You can't go wrong.
11. Claim that you're an employee at MediaWiki and vandalize articles claiming that it is part of an audit. Bonus points for telling admins to block for less then a day so you can continue your vandalism the next day.
12. Claim that you are 4.252.99.182. Bonus points if you try to get Fisher Price deleted as an author's request; even more points if it's deleted.
13. Claim that you are Francis Winkler. Prove you're him by saying you're from a private school from Virginia, or at least straight, and request that you take Mr winkler is GAY down. Bonus points if you get it deleted.
14. Perform every step in this article at once.

Ban Tips for Real-life Vandals

1. Spray paint your username on an admin's house.
2. Look for an admin who drives a car, find where does he live, put a cardboard box full of rocks on the way he goes with the car, and sign the box with your username.
3. Find an image of an admin and post it on Uncyclopedia. Bonus points if you photoshop the admin to be fat or ugly.
4. Fabricate sending dirty messages to children and "leak" it with your sockpuppet.
5. Send a book for learning to count to ten to an admin through the mail. Sign the book with your username.
6. Shit in front of an admin's door.

Ban Tips for Admins

1. Misuse your authority by vandalizing protected pages.
2. Unprotect the Main Page.
3. Reveal all secrets of the cabal.

   (The ban would be because the cabal doesn't exist.)

4. Put {{ICU|~~~~~}} on the main page.
5. Rangeblock everything from 0.0.0.0/16 to 255.255.0.0/16.
6. Unlock the entire data base and invite 4chan to a Vandalism Party.
7. Write a bunch of inane micro-stub articles, then feature them.
8. Permaban users just for the fun of it, even if they're innocent.
9. Redirect the Main Page here.
10. Fuck up the entire MediaWiki.
11. Huff pages for the hell of it.
12. Huff a featured article.
13. Huff important system templates.
14. Huff important system pages, such as the VFD, VFH, and QVFD policy pages.
15. Huff the entire forum.
16. Huff the main page.
17. Huff EVERYTHING.
18. Pull an Aimsplode.
19. Threaten to ban another admin.
    • Want some fun? Do it, you fucking coward! Before you get desysoped and permabanned!
20. Block 127.0.0.1. Forever.
21. Create this page does not exist and then protect it from editing.
22. Ban yourself. Duh.
23. Vandalize Template:DYK. Not just one "Did you know", but ALL OF THEM! By the way, did you know *... that the moon is not made of cheese, but magnesium of milk powder, which explains why everyone that ever goes there feels sick when they come back?

See also

• HowTo:Hack Uncyclopedia
• Reasons to Get Banned
• HowTo:Get Arrested
• UnBooks:An Uncyc Ban Diary
• Permaban

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Featured version: 23 July 2006

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