Permaban

Permabanning is the act of turning regular banning into a much more complex and elaborate process than it has to be, and usually ends with the original ban being permanent. With the most bans, someone is being bad, they get a ban for a while, then they come back. With a permaban, extra features, including votes, warnings, messages, probation, and other forms of harassment are involved. Don't feel special.

This is you, permabanned.

History

King George was very displeased with his permaban.

The original permaban was invented some time around the Stone Age, near the dawn of Wikipedia. Dinosaurs were roaming the earth, eating each other, and doing what they do best, when God came out and began to wonder: "What the hell? These guys don't do anything productive. Time to start over ..." and permabanned them. After that, God created the first Man and Woman, whom he then permabanned from the Garden of Eden. After a while, he sent a huge flood to permaban all the evil in the world. Seriously, God is a permaban addict.

The world's first human-performed permaban took place around 1776, when the writers of the Declaration of Permaban basically told King George III that he was permabanned from America. The American Revolution then took place soon after when the King forgot his reading glasses and thought that the Americans were actually declaring independence from Britain, and a huge war based on a misunderstanding occurred. (The Declaration of Permaban was thereafter known as the Declaration of Independence.)

Hitler permabanned all Jews and one token gay plus a pair of Jehovah's witnesses (for luck) as payback for being cyberbullied.

Permabanning became popular around 1940 when Adolf Hitler gained power in Germany, and soon decided that it would be a good idea to permaban all the Jews from life, and also proper burial. Hitler was very intense about the permabanning also. Perhaps God got a trifle miffed. Anyway, Hitler then proceeded to declare war on the entire freaking continent, but that is neither here nor there. (The U.S. permabanned Hitler after WWII, causing the new phenomenon to spiral out of control – God has no comment on record.)

With the invention of the computer in the early 1980s, permabanning had become a new-fangled craze that everyone, even the hoi polloi, soon began to enjoy, and at quite reasonable prices, too. The police began permabanning all the criminals, the government began permabanning all the drugs, and bouncers would permaban people that were causing trouble in their bar. It became such a craze that Ronald Reagan soon issued a bill that permabanning was, in fact, unlawful, but then came out with his "Star Wars" program to permaban any Russian spy satellites or missiles, which contradicted his order of permabanning in its entirety. So the craze remained.

Modern permabanning

Today the rush of permabanning has even gotten crazier since the invention of the Internet, and Uncyclopedia. The power that admins wield is absolute: Their way or the permaban. It has and always will be this way.

With the creation of Uncyclopedia, permabanning had become almost on with American society, not just their culture, but almost the government itself. Permaban today has become a household name. It is almost considered the American Way of Life. Many uses include:

• Weight-loss programs for permabanning calories
• Using the Banhammer in Halo (Cheater!)
• Rehab for certain celebrities
• Death penalty

It is also likely that the admins will permaban this article, adding a lot of self-reference here.

A lot of research and development is currently going into the permabanning industry, and soon many actual weapons will be available, such as anti-permaban amulets, vaccinations, toys, action figures, and video game franchises.

If you have been permabanned

You may even have seen one of these.

1. Cry.
2. Send an e-mail the admin/moderator who banned you. Make sure to includes threats to harm yourself or them in the event that they don't "fucking unban me right now!"
3. When he calls the police, get a lawyer if you can. Deny everything to your lawyer and the Police.
4. Cry once back in your cell.
5. Go into a deep depression.
6. Cry.
7. Beg for mercy to the admin so that you may be spared. Do you bail conditions prohibit you contacting them? Fuck them, just pack your prison holdall and make sure you have at least 100 US Dollars on you for commissary (bring more if you're a smoker) and take it with you when you hand yourself into the Police for breaching them.
8. Cheer if you get unbanned and released from jail.
9. Cry if the permaban remains and/or you're still behind bars.

When complaining to the admin, please be sure to get on one knee and speak in a British accent. Doing this will in fact, gain the admin's sympathy and he will be more open to hearing you.

Always do whatever the admin asks of you. Bark like a chicken, cluck like a dog, if you have to.

If you cannot meet the admin in person, ask for his address and send him a bouquet of flowers, a box of chocolates, and a formal letter of apology with your signature and stamp. If possible, also send him a cash bribe.

If you have determined that you cannot possibly be unbanned, and have taken all the steps above, please move out of the country or kill yourself, because the admin is likely to have called the police and they are coming to find you. Leave now.

Use this example:

Hi, Todd Lyons. Could you ban this ip and unban 70.176.68.220? After being banned, my friend is now on the verge of suicide. Please, don't let him suffer the same short, happy death as Francis Macomber (by Ernest Hemmingway, who also killed himself). Please, please, just give him on more chance. He and I beg of you, grovelling before you (physically and figuratively).

See? Use suicide to manipulate hapless admins into giving you your freedom back!

Famous permabans

• George W. Bush – permabanned from Uncyclopedia. That's right. See Stupid.
• Miley Cyrus – permabanned from something. We aren't quite sure yet.
• You – permabanned from Uncyclopedia. That's probably why you're reading this article.
• Hpsifnbnjs – permabanned from World of Warcraft for Epic Spamming. Rumors say he spammed a total of 75 people in Stormwind before he was banned.
• Godzilla – permabanned from Hollywood for not making use of CG when he had the chance.
• Guest – permabanned from everything. You've seen him everywhere, blanking your articles, replacing your jokes, redirecting featured articles to the one called "blank" so no one can edit out the redirect.
• Bob the Builder – permabanned from the construction industry for making his tools out of poor quality clay.
• Darth Vader – permabanned from the Jedi Order for joining the dark side.
• Microsoft – permabanned for releasing Windows Vista.
• Oprah – permabanned for having a bad talk show.
• Benson – THAT'S RIGHT!

Techniques

Technique A: warn, then permaban

This is probably the most common way people are permabanned, with the user doing something stupid, then the admin warns the user via message, then permabans the user before they have a chance to respond.

Technique B: instant permaban

This is how Guest got permabanned. After mercilessly editing countless articles, the admin immediately permabans the user so incredibly fast that causes a rift in the space-time continuum that the user is permabanned before he did anything wrong and the rift swallows the user in.

Technique C: Chuck Norris permaban

If the permabanned users keeps hacking wikia and creating a new user and won't stop bothering us, the admin hires Chuck Norris to permaban the user and he clicks the 'BAN' button so incredibly hard that he permabans Windows, the user's hard drive, and blows up the user's car with the addition of the user's head.

Technique D: perma-permaban

When permabanning goes out of control, the admins permaban permabanning. But then the admins have to permaban themselves for permabanning the permabanned permaban. This causes a paradox that destroys the universe, Uncyclopedia, and Wikipedia will create an article about it that everyone will mock.

Technique E: let somebody else take care of it

This is the favorite of Uncyclopedia to ban its members. Just wait for someone else the permaban that guy so that admin doesn't have to.

See also

• HowTo:Commit Suicide
• HowTo:Get Banned
• HowTo:Really Get HATED on Uncyclopedia
• Banhammer