Little old lady
Little old ladies are bags of brittle calcium and failing organs, created for young people (i.e. people with souls) to mock, spit on, and shove around for purposes of hilarity.
The little old lady phenomenon is generally confined to particular places at particular times of day. Strangely, little old ladies spontaneously appear in supermarkets, hairdressers, banks, post offices and town centres at 10am, persisting in many of these places throughout the lunchtime period and undergoing a rapid age regression into screaming schoolchildren at approximately 3:30pm.
The reverse of this regression, that of school children spontaneously changing into little old ladies, has never been observed. It is presumed that this effect either takes place in a wormhole or on a whole new dimensional plane.
There are only three places that little old ladies persist at all times of the day or night:
- A Casino - usually found carrying large cups of coins and staggering around looking for the exit.
- Nursing homes
- Hospitals
In Spain, Africa and other parts of Europe, little old ladies are mysteriously granted superhuman strength at the age of 70, allowing them to carry all sorts of things for miles and miles. The record is still held by 96 year old Gladys who was spotted in the North of the United Kingdom carrying sixteen donkeys, three children, a Morris Minor and her handbag, for a combined weight of approximately 8 tons.
Little old ladies are easy to spot. They're the ones with a blue rinse hobbling along using a zimmer frame or walking stick when they think people are watching and zipping around on pogo sticks and juggling donkeys when we're not.
Warning! Don't answer the door![edit | edit source]
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If a little old lady knocks at your door, it's normally to trick you into yodeling - as can be seen from the following conversation:
"Knock knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Little old lady"
"Little old lady who?"
"Quit yodeling and open the door already!"
"LAMAZ?!"
Warning! She probably knows your granddad[edit | edit source]
Theoretically, if she really has lived through the last 4 world wars like she says she has, she will at some point have slept with or married your granddad or great-granddad. On all accounts do not mention any old male person in the immediate vicinity of a little old lady because that deafness just vanishes like SHE-BANG and she races over and holds your arm in an iron grip till you die of thirst or she asplodes. Not pretty.
If she doesn't asplode, you will be subject to sexually graphic retellings of her glory days of fucking late into the night. She might even have to demonstrate. RUN.
Average Schedule[edit | edit source]
Little Old Ladies wake up very early in the morning and eat a nasty breakfast around the crack of dawn. They then sit around doing the daily crossword and nothing else until noon. Do NOT attempt to help them, they will kill you with their bare hands. They then watch the television and think up grand ideas to tell other people to do immediately. They eat a big lunch at some unidentified point around noon or after. Usually it's the most delicious thing you've ever eaten. They do absolutely nothing until dinner time at fucking 5:00pm. They finish dinner before normal people have even started, watch Jeopardy, and go to bed at 7:30. They wake up on average seven times through the night to go to the bathroom.