Grandpa
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| Birthname | Grandpa (?) | |
| Born | A long time before you were | |
| Died | Not long now | |
| Genre(s) | Incoherent ramblings, slightly coherent ramblings, pornography | |
| Mother | Great-Grandma | |
| Father | Great-Grandpa | |
| Occupation(s) | Mechanic, father, upstanding citizen, old coot | |
| Residence | An Old folks home | |
“I don't care much for him any more, but back in the day, your grandfather was one sexy man.”
– Oscar Wilde on Grandpa
“He has the exact same powers as Apache Chief, but he smells like poop and calls me Manuel.”
– Superman on Grandpa
“Grandfather, die! Don't keep me in suspense!”
– Stephen Lynch on Grandpa
Grandpa, also known as Grampaw, Grampa, GrandaddyJoe, or Grandfather, is your mother's or father's father, or (in case of incest) both. Grandpa is widely noted for the great big fish he caught back in '63, his hatred of foreign cars, and rambling, pointless stories about the Depression, the Big War, or life in general.
Life[edit | edit source]
Grandpa was born a long time ago, presumably before Dad but after Great Grandpa. Little is known about his childhood, but when he was a young whippersnapper, he didn't have any of these newfangled stereos or walkmans or whatever else kids have these days. When still a young child, Grandpa did all the chores on the farm, even though he had school. He didn't slack off, because he had to help his Pa support Ma and the sixteen kids.He is also know as woodysgamertag,
At some point in his early life (it is difficult to say when) Grandpa went to the big war. Although his military Service pack actually consisted of six months fixing planes in Phoenix, Arizona, he will tell anyone who listens that he saved his platoon from the Nazi menace and singlehandedly captured Dresden. Grandpa came back from the war with some kind of a medal, and he brags about it a lot, but when you ask to see it, he always changes the subject to the weather.
Some time after arriving back in the country, Grandpa married Grandma and subsequently had Dad, or Mom, whatever the case may be. Times were hard, and there wasn't much money to go around, but Grandpa made ends meet by working two jobs and saving whatever extra money he had. As he will tell anyone within a five-mile radius of himself, Grandpa always stood up for what was right, and always adhered strictly to The Bible. While this conflicts with the mysterious story about Miss Jones' unexpected baby, everyone has learned not to bring this up.
Grandpa's life in the last couple of decades has mostly been confined to the home, where he plays Bingo or yells at the nurses. Occasionally, he ventures to Branson, but always comes back tired and cranky. In the past couple of years, a lack of coherence in Grandpa's stories has been noticed, but this is attributed to his new heart medication. A couple years ago, Grandpa tried to drive, but after only going a mile in fifteen minutes, Uncle Jim decided that he would take over for the rest of the trip to The Cracker Barrel.
Accomplishments[edit | edit source]
In addition to being the only person in the home who has won Bingo four times in one day, Grandpa caught a big fish back in '63 which was featured on the front page of the local paper. Grandpa also used to be an accomplished mechanic, but quit after he got a chainsaw confused with a hammer. Grandpa also allegedly has won quite a lot of money from poker in his day, although he seems to downplay this accomplishment every time Grandma is around.
Political Beliefs[edit | edit source]
He sure liked Reagan. And Palin, but downplays this idea whenever Grandma is around. Not really.
 | This article needs to be grown |