HowTo:Score a Chick
~ Your grandpa on chicks
Living in a garage?
Wanting some action in your moneymaking compartment?
Reading internet articles to help boost your pathetic love life?
Well just follow this simple guide and soon enough the girls will be fighting for you like pedigree gorillas in a banana stall!!
Things Chicks Want
Chicks are usually found swooning with other chick species often claming that their life is like that of a tramp with incompetent dental procedures. Yet they remain the most popular creatures in the universe. Chicks often have an almost magnetic attachment with shrapnel of all kinds, this includes but is not limited to:
- Edible Foil
- Oscar Wilde's shiny metal teeth
- Metallic lipstick
What Not To Do (we're kidding, seriously, do it)
Chicks are very strange and nobody really knows what they want except other chicks, thats how lesbians score so easily. but don't think becoming a lesbian will solve all your problems.
- grab her breasts
- grab her "lady parts"
- insult her
- be nice to her
- woo her
- spit on her
- not spit on her
- pimp slap her
- hire a hooker and encourage her that a threesome with an aids infected lady would be fun
- treat her like a child (i dont know how this is going to work for pedo's)
- tell her shes fat even when its a lie
- repeat yourself
- leave the toilet seat up (this will trigger an uber bitch-fit)
- repeat yourself
- insult her family
- not insult her family
- buy her too much stuff
- buy her too little stuff
- eat her
- not eat her
- not listen to her (this may cause you to kill yourself from listening to her bitch all fucking day)
- masturbate (she'll think shes not good enough for you, which she's not for us encyclopedians)
- dump her
And that would be about it, anything else is pretty much A-OK
Catch Her Eye
These chicks mean buisness they wont just fall for any gangrene hobo! You've got to be 'the shiss'. Chances are you don't have any friends that are chicks seeing as your reading this, so first you must catch their eye.
To obtain the eye of the harlott you must first stand out, this can be obtained through many a range of makeup, if your really lucky she might even be lesbian. Now that you have your eye shadow on walk up to her slowly and then super steadily dive in at her. This is called the pointed arousal techinque. The key is to knock her down onto the ground claiming that you saved her from a bus or other large object (ie jetplane). She's most probably blonde, remember that.
If the pointed arousal technique fails then you face a long court tussle with her regarding the unborn child you smited. She's still blonde though, remember that.
Chicks love the odour man
Chicks like any sex orientated mammal, can be lured by scent. Yes scent, the power de la B.O. If the occasion chances upon itself don't hesitate to waft your pitts in her face. Chicks dig cavemen in all their stone founded glory.
Get Your Dou
When it comes to really loosening the rims on the can of worms, you must get your dou done properly. Baldness is really not the way to go, unless you can compensate for it with an intense amount of chest hair, but this is unlikely as chest hair died in the mid 80's along with glam rock. For those of you that do have hair basically make as least effort as possible as hair is natural and will sort itself out.
Do not be alarmed by the small white smurfs crawling along your scalp, these are just the groomers of god doing their job.