Penile suppressor

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

A penile suppressor, also incorrectly called a penile silencer is a device attached to a penis to reduce the amount of noise and light emitted when bodily fluids are released. While penile suppressors come in various shapes and sizes, they are usually manufactured in a cylindrical shape designed to be attached to head and base of the penis, and include various systems designed to minimize the attention drawn when the penis is used.

Mechanism[edit | edit source]

Penile suppressors contain various mechanisms designed to muffle the sound of liquid moving through the urethra, and, depending on the model, reduce the exit velocity of the liquids. More advanced models have been designed which rely on sensors and embedded computer chips to predict the sound of impact and emit a canceling sound. In addition, there are rumors in the industry of mechanisms in development which would attempt to predict and cancel other effects of penile emissions, but they remain unconfirmed.

Effectiveness[edit | edit source]

A high quality penile suppressor effectively reduces the noise and light pollution of penile emissions, even when load and pressure are high, and removes the necessity to aim for the porcelain, in addition to achieving a better result. The effectiveness of penile suppressors in other situations is uncertain, due to lack of research and data.

History[edit | edit source]

Penile suppression has been a subject of research since the early 40th century B.C., though it has usually been limited to aiming techniques until the 20th century. Early uncivilized cavemen, who were generally unconcerned with the sounds of their penile emissions, had no use for penile suppression. Later, the Romans, who were accustomed to donating their urine at public donation stations, found a need to reduce the noise generated, and developed a variety of aiming techniques, such as this one, attributed to the etiquettican Marcus Asinius Ennius:

When at the public vat, do not aim like a fool into the urine, but aim for the side, lest everyone within 200 feet hear your splashing. Neither, if at all possible, should you push as hard as you can: remember, the more pressure, more noise. In addition, if your penis has become erect, think it off before you go, lest the erection disrupt your aiming ability.[1]

The toilet facilities and technological developments of later civilizations allowed the development of cheap penile suppressors. The first patent for a penile suppressor came in 1924, and was followed by the proliferation of various forms of penile suppressors. Nowadays, advancements in the technology have made high quality but inexpensive models available to the general public.

Legal status[edit | edit source]

The legal status of penile suppression technology varies from jurisdiction to jurisdiction. In some countries, like the Netherlands, penile suppressors are available over-the-counter in pharmacies and other outlets. In other countries, due to fears that penile suppressors could be used by criminals evading detection while they relieve themselves, the sale of penile suppression technology is limited. In most of the United States, a background check, waiting period, and license are required, and some states ban penile suppressors entirely.

There are plans to run a trial period of making suppressors compulsory in the United Kingdom. The trials will run for a 12 month period from April 1st 2009 in all Counties beginning with the letter 'B'. Funding for this project will be provided by the 'Help The Aged' campaign and from donations by the public deposited in a small tin sited in the Main Entrance to The British Museum.

References[edit | edit source]

  1. M. Asinius Ennius, De Urbibus, II.143-44.