Pant Scrunching

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Scratching the cue ball in the corner pocket

You know, anything that totally involves moving your dick around in your pants in a way that other people won't notice. Pant Scrunching is a rite of passage, a cultural pastime, an invitation to auto-erotic sexual activity, and a common precursor to personal invol i am so horny vement in the political process in the United States of America. Pant Scrunching is commonly thought to be synonymous with Pocket Pool. It is not. The difference is in the placement of the man's hands; in common North American Pant Scrunching behaviour, the hands are usually placed somewhere on the outside of the man's pants, in an attempt to adjust the position of the penis and/or testicle(s) by way of sliding the material of the pants against the material of the underwear, so as to jostle the 'wedding tackle' into an appropriately comfortable position with an absolute minimum of close contact between hands and gonads. By contrast, Pocket Pool, in most Western cultures, is not only performed with hands inside the pants pockets, but is also more directly tactile in approach.

History of Pant Scrunching[edit | edit source]

Wolf's pant is SO tight!

Pant Scrunching has been around as long as there have been pants for men to wear, and gonads to adjust with their hands inside them. Pant Scrunching has been practised by such important historical luminaries as Fran Tarkenton, Zeus, and Glenn Frey. It was a form of currency in the South Asian republic of Paprikastan, prior to the valuation of the paprikasar. While most Pant Scrunchers are embarrassed to even admit performing this act, New Yorkers practice Pant Scrunching openly, proudly, and often in full view of innocent bystanders.

Pant Scrunching By the Numbers[edit | edit source]

The following steps are necessary in order to successfully complete a session of Pant Scrunching:

  1. Be a dude. Chicks can't Pant Scrunch. She-males can, if they still have their wiener and plums intact. I guess boy animals, such as dogs with enormous johnsons in beastie pr0n, could also Pant Scrunch if they were wearing pants.
  2. Be uncomfortable in the groin area, like with your doniker and meaties stuck in weird places between the groin and underwear. This happens; sometimes the testes may poke completely out of the underwear, requiring immediate attention.
  3. Place one or both hands near the crotch of the pants, directly on the material. Using light kneading motions, gently direct the phallus and/or testes into a more comfortable position. A position with the penis pointed downward towards the in-seam, with a testicle tucked delicately behind and to each side is recommended.
  4. Either let out a quiet sigh of contentment, or begin writing that letter to your congressman.