HowTo:Make a That's What She Said joke

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“That's what.”

~ She
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Attempt to explain joke
This article attempts to explain a joke in minute detail, as if to an idiot, a very small child, or a very small child who is also an idiot. It also attempts to explain its own explanation, which, if successful, could result in crashing the universe. Please do not crash the universe.
Why, dad, why?

It has happened to the best of us: you're sitting smack-dab in the middle of the most awkward, most thunderous, echoing silence with a guy you barely know. You also have the misfortune of being on the receiving end of a terrible joke, the punchline of which involved homosexuality. You would have laughed THATS WAT SHE SAID!! (it was coherent, and he did really try to sell it), but due to your father's recent admission of his bi-curiousity, a polite chuckle was all you could muster before your mind conjured images of you, him... some furry monstrosity... lets just call it a threesome that makes you suddenly quite nauseous. You're sure that in order to maintain your composure and not vomit profusely in front of this person, you need to throw some sexual innuendo into the conversation—you know, to show you get ass like a mo'fucka.[1] And, like magic, your companion nervously turns to you and says "this bench (the bench that he refers to is, of course, the one underneath your ass) is hard, no?" He smiles coyly. You open your mouth to say something snappy (employing sharp alliteration, oh yes), but you are at a loss for words. You tense up. Instead, you merely stammer while trying to announce that you're going to the bathroom...again. The walk of tongue-tied shame that kills any chance you had of seeing this person again socially. What can you do to prevent such a travesty in the future? Thats What She Said...

The That's what she said Joke[edit | edit source]

Yes, friend, if you have found yourself in this situation, or a situation like this situation, you need to learn about the that's what she said joke. Throughout the ages, it's the ultimate method of innuendo introduction in any form of conversation! What's more, a master of the joke makes no effort at all during its execution. It's virtually effortless, in that it requires no effort to do... once you've learned the proper form, technique, typing, and in live application, body language, eye placement, and lip curvature, of course.

Assembly[edit | edit source]

There are two main methodologies employed when putting together the that's what she said joke. Though either can be used and have their own distinct advantages, they cannot be used simultaneously, so to understand each is key in choosing the style that works best for you personally. The first method, referred to as the Howard Stern, takes a bit of practice to master. The second, known as the Jon Stewart Method takes a bit of practice to master. We will discuss each individually.

Howard Stern Method[edit | edit source]

Howard Stern's picture, censored for your protection.

The Howard Stern method, still debated upon by leading Feminoparlologists (scientists who focus solely on what she said), is largely considered a de facto standard due to its blatant vulgarity.[2]. This approach typically works like so:

  • Your friend says something. It doesn't matter what it is. It could be an innocuous comment such as "The weather's fine today, isn't it?"
  • You say "that's what she said!"
  • PENIS!

Numerous instances of the Howard Stern Method have been spotted in the mainstream media, with inclusions in both television, film and radio. Notable uses of the Howard Stern She Said include:

  • Barney
  • The View (God, how much can she say?)
  • That's What She Said (from the creators of Yo Momma)
  • 24
  • Green Acres
  • The Smurfs
  • Damus Ex Machina

Of course, due to the (extremely, very real) controversy surrounding this method, most of these shows (with the exception of, somehow, of Barney) have been featured on Satellite TV.

Jon Stewart Method[edit | edit source]

The other, known as the Jon Stewart Method, emphasizes only using "the Joke" when it is exactly what she said. They definitely do NOT believe in beating one joke into the ground one million times—even when it makes no sense—in the name of a cheap laugh (in stark contrast to the other methodology invoked by this school of thought; "That's what Bush said" jokes). This version is achieved thusly:

Possibility One[edit | edit source]

  • Friend says something stupid. It could be anything, something like "Damn, it's warm out" or "Girl, how you fill out dem damn jeans?!"
  • You glare at him with a disgruntled look of shock, and laugh VERY slightly; no, not even that much. It should be more of a "did you REALLY say that shit?!" chuckle.
  • Ask him "what?" while continuing to laugh. Not too much. More like the aforementioned chuckle damn it SELL IT MAN!
  • Silently laugh on the inside as he squirms, helplessly embarrassed.
Jon Stewart preparing to use one of his patented that's what she said! jokes for the above picture.

Possibility Two[edit | edit source]

  • Friend says something innocuous. "My DVD player is on the fritz, man..."
  • "That's what she said!," you reply
  • Continue with day waiting for possibility three.

Possibility Three[edit | edit source]

  • Friend says something that relates to what she said ("she" being an unnamed female contemporary, known especially for being one to say such things) within the past 36 hours or so.
    • I mean, It must be within 36 hours of the initial utterance. If not, then you're succumbing to Howard Stern. My mistake.. In fact, should you not follow this rule, you might be excommunicated from The Order of She Sayers.
      • Also worthy of note, the statement must be highly charged with sexual innuendo. Any other such statement would cancel the first out, creating an unhealthy situation of who said what.
  • You, of course, say "that's what she said"

Possibility Four[edit | edit source]

There is also one other possibility included without endorsement (par legal exemptions):

  • Friend says something that relates to what she said (she, again, being an unnamed female contemporary, because names are an Anglican form of slavery, right?) within the past 36 hours...I guess.
    • It's crucial that it be within 36 hours of the initial utterance. If not, then you're succumbing to Howard Stern. Again. Have you not been paying attention?
      • Once again worthy of note, you mustn't add useless awkwardness to a situation! Only use when statement is dripping with blatant sexual innuendo!
  • You say naturally, no hesitation whatsoever, "that's what she said"
  • Girl about whom you just spoke hears and comes up to you with an attitude of sheer indignation, altogether angered by your exhibition.
    • In Possibility Four, it must be a girl. If it's a guy, ignore him. He might be a terrorist. If he's wearing a backpack, run.
  • Girl who takes fancy to you from inside the pizzeria steps out and stands up for you as you are berated by the first one.
    • HIGHLY UNLIKELY Again, it MUST be a girl. If it's a guy, run. He's a fruit. And not the tasty ones, like apple or grape, but of the homosexual variety.
  • Cat fight.
  • Whoops and cheers
  • Arrest, Police activity
  • ????
  • PENIS!

In Closing[edit | edit source]

Now young learner, you are privy to the grand and miraculous that's what she said joke. Embroiled in controversy, reaching as far back as the 18th century, the joke is a marvel of modern accomplishment! It was instated as a raunchy, hilarious farce, a farce widely dissected and debated over by Feminoparlologists. The one thing every professional emphasizes greatly: keeping in moderation is key.

Howard Stern Method advocates had this to say (Note: those unable to read the following should refer to a FCC-to-English dictionary): "**** you. Now let's see your tits." Other haters include Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliologists (scientists who specialize in large words. I know.), who cannot get past the length of the name feminoparlologists. How is it that the name of their science is so long, they ask, when their study is so innocuous?. Thus, they are specifically known not to use that's what she said jokes. Ever.

Appendix A: Written Formatting[edit | edit source]

When used in its full form, it is italicized, as if it were being quoted: that's what she said! (Exclamation optional, depending on usage.)

When in partial usage, it is without italics, but either quoted or unquoted: "she said," or said Experienced users know which to use in any given situation.

In reference to The Book of That's What She Said, well, just look at it 5 words back. Do it like that.

Examples[edit | edit source]

A common suburban teen who has fallen victim to the joke.
  • Person1: "How big do you want it?"

Person2: "I'd like it large."

Person1: "'That's what she said.

  • Person1: "Do you think you can handle it in a timely fashion?"

Person2: "I'll get right on top of it."

Person1: "That's what she said."

  • Caution: For most laughs use only occasionally and randomly.

See also[edit | edit source]

References[edit | edit source]

  1. Ass of the female persuasion.
  2. which has kept it from entry into The Complete Book What She Said, Dr. Jane Mayfield, Dr. Arthur Digby Sellers, Random House Publishing, 1988