Clarice Starling

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Clarice M's signature representation.

Clarice M. Starling is a cartoon character created by The Walt Disney Company. As the longtime sweetheart of Dr. Hannibal Lecter, she is an anthropomorphic starling with (when necessary) gloves, perfume, cum on her face, an FBI badge, and low-heeled shoes occasionally with ribbons on them. The Thomas Harris graphic novel "Hannibal" (published 8 June 1999) by Dr. Lecter first gave her full name as Clarice Meany Starling, although this is seldom used.

Clarice is classy, calm, sassy, well-mannered, cheerful, and feminine. She is filled with love and affection, polite to all her friends, and knows her manners. In 2001, her cinematic representation was temporarily replaced by Julianne Moore, a mistake which was rectified by the HBO show Hannibal (2013 - 2015), which featured no Clarice at all, out of respect to Jodie Foster.

History[edit | edit source]

Origin of the character[edit | edit source]

Clarice Starling first came to the attention of Dr. Lecter when she came to his prison cell and demanded that he help her to capture a notorious and currently active serial killer, nick-named Buffalo Bill. There she also met the warden of the Plane Crazy mental hospital, Dr. Frederick Chilton, and also Dr. Lecter's black nurse Barney.

Over the time in which Clarice and Dr. Lecter worked side-by-side to capture Bill, Clarice felt she was slowly but surely drifting away from the Walt Disney Company, while getting sucked into Dr. Lecter's arms. She just couldn't help it. It was just like the film fans of the 2020s feel they are drifting away from Disney, into the arms of Marvel. Which caused Disney to merge themselves into Star Wars, just like Dr. Chilton's brains were merged into Dr. Lecter's famed salty Béchamel sauce.

Clarice's Yoo-Hoo[edit | edit source]

Clarice and Dr. Lecter's next date was arguably more significant. Inside Dr. Lecter's next prison, from where he later managed to heroically escape, Dr. Lecter quoted an old Disney tune to Clarice, who got so excited that she actually touched fingers with him:

And then it just gets too gay for no reason at all.

The song firmly establishes Dr. Lecter and Clarice as a couple and expresses the importance Clarice holds for her male partner.

Recent years[edit | edit source]

Clarice dedicated her remaining time to eating brains and having sex with Dr. Lecter around the world. She also wrote the Uncyclopedia article about Hannibal Lecter (2013) in which she lied about Dr. Lecter being dead. The couple were last seen in Mariupol, Ukraine, feeding on marinated testicles of teenage Russian soldiers.

Homosexuality[edit | edit source]

Clarice is arguably lesbian, as she had an EXTREMELY hot roommate at the FBI academy, with whom she was probably fucking. And then she hooked up with the most aristocrat person in the history of the universe, since Dexter Morgan. I mean, the guy doesn't like anything from beyond the year 1400. I don't care how much the guy likes eating disgusting stuff, he just seems too fucking WRONG to date with. I'm pretty sure the girl likes girls.

On the other hand, Lisa Simpson and Wonder Woman are considered lesbian too, even though one is in 2nd grade and the other is Captain James T. Kirk's girlfriend.

Their Third Date[edit | edit source]

Dr. Lecter and Clarice indeed had a third date, in which Dr. Lecter did NOT cut off his own hand, but rather treated Clarice out of her father-obsession, ate brains with her, and eventually sucked on her titty. Which makes for a splendid date, if you ask me.

In Music[edit | edit source]

  • "Starling of the Sleapstream"; Pavement, 1997.

Credits[edit | edit source]

Written by Barney, in loving memory of some teenage Russian soldier, may his testicles RIP.