Oklahoma!

If this isn't gay, I just don't know what is.

Oklahoma! is the heartwarming tale of Curly McLain and Will Parker and how they bed the women they want. Truly a family classic. It was written by some faggot who honestly had too much time on his hands. The plot is hard to follow at best and gayest thing you'll ever sit through, but I guess you'll just have to enjoy your AIDS.

Plot

Oklahoma! is set in the early 1900's in (you guessed it!) Oklahoma. Curly McLain, a faggoty cowboy who really has nothing better to do with his time, is trying to woo Laurey Williams. Laurey consistently denies his advances, because she is a raging lesbian. However, Judd Fry, some creepy hick who lives in a shack, is in love with Laurey as well and wants to quit Curly's stuff up.

Not only is Annie clueless about pleasing men, but also about pleasing women, much to Laurey's dismay.

Laurey has an on-going affair with Ado Annie Carnes, a naïve little twat who doesn't know anything about what men want . She's apparently nice for whatever reason, probably just another plot device. Anyway, her boyfriend, Will Parker, has just come back from Kansas City, Missouri, and is so pleased about that he could sing— and he does. His rousing musical number is often cited as one that “best captures the spirit of the American West.” Well, America, I guess your West is kind of queer, but whatever. Will rushes off to greet his Ado Annie, only to find out that she is a cheating whore. Apparently the entire time while Will was away, Annie had been screwing Ali Hakim, a terrorist sent to blow Oklahoma off the map. He decided against it, however, when he discovered he deflower a hick girl instead. He also sells shit. Out of a wagon. Anyway, Will is either too stupid or homosexual to get angry about this, so this part of the story becomes the subplot (due to Will’s lack of balls). Because apparently that stuff about Curly and Laurey was more eye-catching.

It is obvious that Curly and Laurey are attracted to each other, yet neither of them will admit it. Laurey proceeds to turn into a total cunt when Curly tries to express his feelings, as is shown through examples throughout the show. Curly eventually gets fed up with Laurey's , and finds a new girlfriend: Gertie Cummings, whose name is just screaming for innuendo. She also laughs like a crazy banshee. Laurey, to counter this, decides to become a lesbian. The other girls are simply delighted by this.

Stupid teenagers.

The scene then fades (to the viewer's disappointment) to Ali Hakim packing up his wagon full of bombs. He is this close to leaving, when Ado Annie rushes over and proceeds to talk in his ear , much to his annoyance. She explains to him that she must marry Will Parker, or he is going to beat her up [[]]. Again, Ali was really close to explaining that he had no intention of marrying Ado Annie, that she was just a cheap fuck who would never know any better, and that he preferred men anyway, when Ado Annie's father comes out of nowhere with a shotgun. After a brief conversation in which Ado Annie tells her father all of the perverted comments Ali has made about her while he was under the influence, Mr. Carnes explains that Ali must now marry his daughter, or he will shoot Ali in the face. Ali proceeds to get mildly pissed off, but is still too much of a pussy to say anything. However, Ado Annie is overjoyed to be marrying him, because she is an air-headed slut. Ado Annie tries to explain her joy to Laurey, who is too busy being an angsty attention whore to care.

This is how Ali rolls.

Meanwhile, Curly checks to see if his plan to make Laurey jealous has worked. Laurey is obviously crushed, but hides her feelings by suggesting they perform yet another musical tribute to their love. Curly realizes this is stupid stuff, and decides to hang out with Jud Fry instead. Jud has no interest in hanging out with Curly, as he does not swing that way. Curly gets pissed off and tells Judd he should kill himself, because everyone will like him better then. Real nice Curly [[]]. As crazy as it is, they end up singing about it. Judd then becomes enraged because he forgot to take his pills that morning. Curly rushes out, but only after making a few more remarks (because Curly is one supportive bastard). Ali Hakim rushes in there to bomb out of Judd's smoke house, but is raped by Judd instead, proving that Judd swings that way after all.

Anyway, Aunt Eller then announces out of nowhere that there's going to be a party that night at Ike Skidmore's house, because his parents are out of town. Judd asks Laurey to go with him, and Laurey agrees, because it is a splendid chance for her to get out of the kitchen without risking immeasurable punishment. Ali is forced to take Ado Annie, but only because he does not want a gun up him. Curly and Will both think this is crazy, and take each other for the lulz.

Curly (left) and Will, being fags at Ike Skidmore's party.

Before anyone can arrive at the party, Laurey goes insane and starts driving the carriage. As she is a woman, this is a horrendous mistake. She proceeds to send both her and Judd careening off the side of the road into a monstrous canyon. Both of them miraculously survive. Laurey then proceeds to attempt to drive once again, succeeding in driving up the canyon wall and back on the road to the party. Judd Fry is left to his own devices, and God-knows-what occurs in Laurey’s absence. Everyone else arrives at the party safely, as the rest of the women know their place. IE: Not fucking driving carriages up canyon walls. The party ends up being pretty gay though, consisting mostly and entirely of faggy dancing. Ike comes out to his guests, having done a few hits of pot, and announces that ‘the farmer and the cowman should be friends.’ The problem with his suggestion, however, is that it denotes a conflict that never actually existed between the two parties, but Ike always liked to start shit for kicks. Mr. Carnes proceeds to bitch about how the farmers are better, and Aunt Eller counters with bitching about how much better the cowmen are. Will punches Curly in the face, and the entire crowd breaks out into chaos. Aunt Eller, fed up with these youngins’ \, fires a gun and urges the party guests to resume singing (yes, this was yet another musical number) lest she blow their brains out.

Ali and Will are notably absent from this scene, as they were busy having gay sex throughout most of the scene. Ali, who had mistook Will for a prostitute, pays Will fifty dollars for the mind-blowing sex they have just had. Will, being too fucking stupid to realize what Ali has done, takes the fifty dollars, as he plans to use it in the upcoming auction. Said auction occurs conveniently directly after the farmer and the cowman crap. Aunt Eller is running the auction, and does so very quickly. In fact, all the baskets save for Annie and Laurey’s are auctioned off in a matter of seconds, unbeknownst to the viewer. Directors are sneaky like that. Aunt Eller’s Alzheimer’s kicks in just as she’s auctioning off Annie’s basket, bringing the auction back to a pace that most viewers can follow. The bidders, clearly angered by this change in pace, refuse to bid. Aunt Eller desperately turns to Ali to bid, as Ado Annie’s self esteem would plummet should no one bid for her basket, not as if she wouldn’t deserve the reality check. Ali declines, until Mr. Carnes threatens him with that fucking gun once again. Ali bids fifty cents, like the true Jew that he is.

Auctions are serious fucking business.

However, Will, being a mindless Christian with no idea how to spend money reasonably, bids his fifty dollars. What a goddamn moron. Mr. Carnes laughs in his face (metaphorically speaking) and explains that without at least fifty dollars, he’ll never get to marry Ado Annie. Will, realizing the error of his ways, leaves to cut himself while listening to Linkin Park. Ali would obviously rather betray the Jew in him than watch his love suffer, and proceeds to bid fifty-one dollars. May I remind you all that we’re bidding fucking lunch-baskets. Ali wins the auction, obviously, and decides he will just have to enjoy his AIDS. Next comes Laurey’s basket. The bidders, now used to the slower pace, are much more willing to bid. Jud out bids them all, though, with about fifteen dollars. These are poor motherfuckers. Aunt Eller, being the Alzheimer’s infested dumbass senior citizen that she is, is this, fucking, close to declaring Judd the winner, when Curly comes out of fucking nowhere with his saddle. When asked if he can bid anything, he presents the saddle. This is moronic, Curly. You need to bid with money. Realizing this, Curly promptly sells the saddle on the spot for around sixteen dollars or some shit. I’m pretty sure that’s not really legal, but all right. Judd outbids him, and Curly sells his horse for money. This process of bidding and selling continues on for a while. Then CURLY PULLED OUT HIS GUN. AND PROCEEDED TO SELL IT. FOR TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS. WHAT THE FUCK, THAT’S COMPLETE RIP-OFF. CURLY KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT THE ECONOMY. But fuck, does anyone in this story?

Rape would be ensuing directly after this if it weren't Will's damn lack of balls.

Anyway, Curly wins the auction at about fifty-one dollars. Judd’s pissed, Laurey’s overjoyed, and everyone else is just sort of ‘whatever.’ Will is the only one who is not pleased by the auction’s results, probably because it’s his time of the month. He drags Annie off to rape her behind the house, but then realizes he has no balls. To prevent himself from looking stupid, he decides to have an actual conversation with her. After a while though, Annie starts getting snarky, and Will decides it is time for some discipline in the form of song. The song basically consists of Will and Annie going back and forth about how Annie is a whore and Will is not above up and leaving her sorry ass if she doesn’t cut this shit out. Annie scoffs at his claims, but is quickly proven wrong when a pair of jailbait scurry out from underneath of the house and fuck Will out of his mind. Annie is horrified, and Will is just plain fucking confused. Annie complains that Will has no right to go off and screw any woman he pleases while still claiming Annie must be faithful, when in actuality, this is entirely orthodox. Annie leaves Will anyway, clearly not knowing her place. Will traps her near the fence though, and rape ensues. Except not, because as we’ve stated before, Will has no balls.

The scene fades back to Laurey and Judd. Judd is scolding Laurey, explaining to her that being out of the kitchen is a privilege and moreover, one she has exploited to no end. Laurey basically tells him, "Fuck you, I do what I want!" and Judd swears revenge. Then Laurey gets scared, saying, "You’re moving with your auntie and your uncle in Bel-Air!" Judd is not in the mood for her bullshit though, and leaves her to weep for her coming demise. Curly finds her and, exploiting her emotional distress, proposes marriage. Laurey, too scared and upset to reply coherently, merely sobs; a response Curly takes as "yes," claiming, “It’s not rape if she never says 'No'!”

Spoiler: Your fiancée is a whore!

The scene fades swiftly back to Ali Hakim, who has a way better plotline anyway. Ali is leaving town, for real this time. Annie claims she is very distraught by the idea of Ali being lonely while being away from her, but Ali assures he has many, many women just like Annie he can fall back on. He decides to rape her anyway, claiming it is a ‘Persian Good-bye.’ Will steps in and foils Ali’s plans, however. Ali is delighted to see Will and even offers him a Persian Good-bye as well, but Will, being the uptight closeted faggot that he is, refuses. Ali then leaves, because Oklahoma is the gayest fucking state in the Union, I swear. Curly and Laurey are married shortly afterwards.

The wedding guests, being assholes like this, force Curly and Laurey to climb to the top of a haystack for literally no reason whatsoever. Judd materializes next to the haystack with a torch and sets the haystack ablaze. He then returns the Ring to his finger and disappears from sight. Laurey jumps down from the haystack unharmed and calm, while Curly tumbles from the stack, knife drawn and stabbing wildly. He abruptly stops when a groan is heard, followed by the materialization of a stabbed and dying Judd. He collapses and Curly rushes to his side, realizing what he has done. With Judd’s dying breath, he curses Zoidberg. Laurey is terribly depressed by the incident upon realizing that a threesome between her, Curly and Judd would have been super hot. Aunt Eller slaps her across the face and tells her to suck it the fuck up, because life is tough and you can’t handle it, well, I guess I’ll just see you in Hell then.

While Laurey is being a sad little bitch, Ali returns to town. His reason is apparently the fact that he has been forced into marrying Gertie. This makes absolutely no sense. Clearly, Oklahoma folk cannot tell a plain terrorist when they see one. Will finds out about the marriage and finds it hilarious, the fag. He proceeds to grab Gertie and snog her, probably just to piss off his wife. Annie responds by tackling Gertie to the ground, resulting in a bitch fight. Will, clearly not aroused by the lesbian tendencies of his wife and Gertie, immediately jumps in to break up the fight, when he is stopped by Ali. Ali explains to him that if their wives are dead, they can have all the gay sex they want. Will gets caught up by the idea of ‘gay sex’ and is too confused by Ali’s huge vocabulary to stop the fight. The fate of the women is unclear, but no one really cares. They’re just women, after all. Anyway, during this time, Laurey cheers the fuck up for her honeymoon, which her and Curly ride off to. The End.

Basically, Oklahoma! is a movie about stuff that actually never really happens in Oklahoma, which is why no one actually bothers to watch it.

Characters

• Curly McLain

Curly is a faggot cowboy who has the hots for Laurey, a cokehead dyke. This leads to rivalry between him and Judd Fry, because Judd wants to pound that shit as well. All Curly really wants is to take it up the ass. After taking enough emo shit from Laurey, Curly decides to make Will Parker his bitch.

• Laurey Williams

Laurey Williams. I'm pretty sure she's high.

Laurey is the hot piece of ass that almost everyone in Oklahoma! desires to tap. She lives with her grandmother, Aunt Eller, whom is probably nine thousand years old. She lusts after Curly, but is too much of a fucking pussy to come out and say it. Ado Annie Carnes is Laurey's main outlet to release her lust.

• Ado Annie Carnes

Ado Annie Carnes is basically a retarded slut, which may have something to do with the name her parents bestowed upon her. Fucking honestly, who names their kid Ado Annie? Ado Annie's fiance is Will Parker, but that doesn't stop her from having hot kinky sex with other guys. Annie has no real morals and blames it on the fact that she "cain't say no." Laurey suggests that she gets over herself and back in the fucking kitchen.

• Will Parker

Will Parker is a cowboy with no balls at all. His fiancée, Ado Annie, cheats on him numerous times but he hardly seems to ever give a shit. Besides being a cowboy and a huge pussy, Will is also a dancefag. Some people cannot blame Annie for not wanting to marry Will, saying that if he would stop being a huge faggot, then she'd probably stop being a whore. This is, for the most part, inaccurate because Annie will probably never stop being a cockslut.

• Ali Hakim

Don't be fooled, he's really a terrorist.

Ali Hakim is a man from Persia with two raging incestuous homosexual brothers. He basically just bangs Will's fiancee while the fag screws around in Kansas City, Missouri. Despite Ali's blue eyes and Caucasian skin tone, he is totally a terrorist. Even though Ali is clearly a manwhore and is probably a breeding ground for STDs, fathers in Oklahoma insist that he marry their daughters, or they'll blow his head off.

• Aunt Eller

Aunt Eller is some annoying old cunt and the grandmother of Laurey Williams. Eller has no real importance to this story besides nagging at people and slipping her granddaughter roofies.

• Andrew Carnes

Mr. Carnes is Ado Annie's hermaphrodite parent, but claims to be her father. Mr. Carnes is a respected farmer in their town, which obviously gives him all the reason to hate Will Parker's guts. He insists that Will must obtain fifty dollars before marrying his daughter, Annie. Mr. Carnes is most likely just jealous due to the fact that he hasn't been laid in years.

• Gertie Cummings

Wouldn't you tap that shit?

Gertie Cummings is, for a short period, Curly's girlfriend. Even though Gertie is way hotter than Laurey, Curly decides to dump her and elope with Laurey instead. This may be because she laughs like a fucking hyena or that she's actually a man. Distraught that she lost Curly to a raging lesbian, Gertie decides to have wild sex with Ali Hakim. Gertie's father finds out about this, and makes Ali marry his daughter or take some .50 caliber aspirin. Ali chooses the latter, but regrets it later on.

• Dancefag Jailbait

Two supposedly underage girls who hold no other purpose besides dancing and luring men into jail. The pair appears during the ballet scene of 'All 'Er Nothin' and have underage sex with Will in front of Annie.

Ike Skidmore (right) will fuck your shit up.

• Ike Skidmore

A recovering junkie who lets everyone in Oklahoma! party at his house. Ike hits on underage girls at every party he hosts and blames it on the fact that his parents assraped him when he was a child. Ike's parents currently live with him, but are only permitted to living in a room cut off to everyone else. Ike does a series of drugs like cocaine, meth, pot, PCP, acid, LSD, various downers, and various uppers. If anyone is caught stealing from his stash, he'll most likely kill them and skin their bodies for blankets that he sells to Ali.

Conclusion

Nobody gives a damn about Oklahoma! and anyone with enough time to sit through this and read it all needs some .50 caliber aspirin. Fuck you. Fuck you all.