Snow White (2025 film)
| Yet another Disney live-action remake | |
|---|---|
| Directed by | The guy who directed The Amazing Spider-Man 2 and 500 Days of Summer |
| Written by | Your gender studies professor |
| Produced by | Some guy who's probably going to lose all his money |
| Starring |
|
| Script supervisor | Kathleen Kennedy |
| Edited by | All the king's horses and all the king's men |
| Music by | Too many musicians to count. Seriously |
| Distributed by | Disney |
Release date | March 21, 2025 |
Running time | 109 minutes, still too long |
| Country | The West Bank |
| Languages | English, Dwarvish |
| Budget | $205 million (CGI) $100 million (script rewrites) $300 million (reshoots) $400 million (addressing the PR nightmare) |
| Box office | $100 million[1] |
Disney's Snow White, better known as Woke White, Snow Brown and the Seven CGI monstrosities, or Snow Woke and the Seven Pronouns, is a 2025 parody film that was coughed up by the Walt Disney Company, "based on" the 1937 animated feature Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. The film stars Lord Farquaad as the eponymous "main character" and Gal Gadot as the "evil queen".
The film parodies and "modernizes" not only the feature film from 1937, which was what Walt Disney built his entire company on, but also the patriarchy, the ideals of traditional gender roles, and good-old fashioned American values.
Plot[edit | edit source]
Once upon a time in a land far, far away, there was a princess who was born in a snowstorm, and her royal parents named her "Snow White" because she looked as "white as snow, just like the snow falling around us". It turns out the blinding snow was all her parents could see at that moment as they decided to walk outside while pondering baby names. "Snow White" was actually born to a Latino Latinx royal family, and being inexperienced in snow, the king and queen both died in the blizzard, leaving poor baby Snow White behind as an orphan. The child was later put up for adoption by the king and queen's assistants who somehow protected the baby from her parents' stupidity. Snow White is eventually taken in as a foster child by a single queen who happens to dabble in sorcery somewhat.[2]
Several years go by and Snow White grows up to be a bratty teenager, getting into constant arguments with the Queen, who she comes to call her "Evil Stepmother". She refers to herself as the "fairest of them all". She gains the attention of Jonathan, her shy, timid neighbor, but she calls his attention "weird, weird" and refuses to play with him. The Queen occasionally talks to Jonathan, however, hoping to help him gain his confidence. After seeing an ad on the television about Palestinian refugees in need, Snow White begs her "Evil Stepmother" to spend her entire bank account to help them, but after the Queen donates merely 1000 Far-Far-Away bucks, her adoptive daughter screeches. Pushed to the edge, the Queen calls Snow White "ungrateful and opinionated" and Snow White runs away.
Unable to get any of her "girlfriends" to join her as the idea of running away into the woods scares them off, Snow White seeks out her next best option, Jonathan, and entices him to run away with her. Seeing this as his opportunity to "finally get the girl", Jonathan enthusiastically agrees. However, Snow White's erratic behavior, such as smoking weed and taking LSD, believing she can talk to the animals and birds and repeatedly referring to him as her "brother", begins to scare Jonathan off. The Queen, unable to locate Snow White with her "Mirror" tracking app or contact her by phone, sends her butler, the Huntsman, to try and locate Snow White. Jonathan, wary of being away from home for so long, decides to go home and contact the authorities, and Snow White responds that she "doesn't need a man anyways". The Huntsman bumps into Jonathan, who tells him Snow White's location. Upon finding her in the woods, Snow White blackmails the Huntsman into leaving her alone.
The Queen eventually freezes Snow White's family-managed credit card, telling her it will be unfrozen if she comes home. Snow White continues to refuse and stumbles upon a home with the help of her "talking animal friends" and falls asleep on a conspicuously placed bed. The home is owned by seven Israeli settlers who own a crypto-mining business and suffer from dwarfism. Perplexed by their new companion, the dwarfs settlers try to take care of Snow White, who awakes and accuses them of trying to rape her. After calming down and realizing she stumbled into their home in the first place, Snow White offers to make it up to the settlers and offers to cook them dinner. After failing several times, she gives up and uses Grub Hub to order the "dwarfs" a "healthier meal" than what they had been eating. Despite the Queen locking her main credit card, Snow White reveals she had a secret bank account funded by her immense earnings from OnlyFans.
After bonding with her new "homies", Snow White realizes that not only do they all have seven distinctive pronouns, but that they are of Israeli origin. Triggering her deep support of Palestine, she holds the settlers hostage and broadcasts on her OnlyFans and Instagram accounts that she would kill them unless the Israeli government pays her 5 trillion Far-Far-Away bucks. The Queen, who is contacted by the American and Far Far Away governments, offers to go talk Snow White down, and Jonathan, who has bonded with the Queen during this ordeal, agrees to help. The Queen disguises herself as an old lady, reasoning that Snow White wouldn't talk to her, and entices the princess with the new Apple Watch. Snow White is overjoyed but runs onto a highway and gets hit by a bus in a moment of carelessness. Jonathan kisses her on the lips and revives her. They realize this was all an evil ploy by the Queen, Israel, and Donald Trump and nuke them all, also killing the seven hostages.
With the Queen, Israel, and the Republican Party vanquished, Snow White and Jonathan celebrate by going to a P. Diddy concert. Snow White is invited backstage by Diddy and later to a Diddy party and she falls in love with Diddy, while Jonathan happily agrees to stay in her friend zone forever. A massive "white party" erupts when Diddy and Snow White impulsively decide to get married.
It is revealed that much of this is a figment of Snow White's dreams, as she is still knocked out in her coma and in a prison hospital. The seven settlers are freed from their captivity and are actually revealed not to be Israeli, but a mix of Mexican, Dominican, Turkish and Indian, and that Snow White hallucinated their "large Jewish noses" and confused Jewish and Turkish culture. Their heights are also revealed to range between 5'3" and 5'11", considered in the "dwarf range" of many modern women. Jonathan, realizing that the one who loved him was not Snow White, but the Queen, professes his love for her, which she enthusiasticly reciprocates. Jonathan and the Queen live happily ever after.[3]
Cast[edit | edit source]
- The Israel-Palestine conflict as Snow White and the Evil Queen:
- Lord Farquaad as Snow White: in this "reimagining", Snow White is the "most fairweather of them all", a feminist activist "strong independent woman" who does whatever she wants, whenever she wants. She aims to get rid of the "bad rep" that comes with being self-centered and speaks up for the rights of others who oppose "my oppressors"
- Wonder Woman as the Evil Queen: she's just a chill gal, but an actual strong, independent woman. Tired of being labeled as "evil" by her adaptive daughter and her chatbot attached to her "Mirror" app, she seeks to redefine herself while dealing with Snow White's hijinks.
- CGI as the seven "vertically challenged individuals"
- Peter Dinklage was originally offered the role of Bashful the Dwarf, but he complained the film was "racist against short people" and refused. After Disney unsuccessfully tried to pander to Dinklage, including making the Dwarves into giants instead, then trying to hire actual people with dwarfism before realizing they would not look good on screen (sorry, Wee-man), then attempting a "culturally inclusive reimagining" that did not sit well with test audiences, the producers settled on making the dwarves completely AI-generated.
- Andrew Burnmap as Jonathan. Instead of being Prince Charming, this character was inverted so that he requires Snow White to rescue him.
- P. Diddy appears as himself at the end of the film. As astronomical as the film's budget was, most of it actually went towards his cameo appearance. Diddy's earnings from the film were confiscated anyways and donated to charity due to P. Diddy being P. Diddy.
Production[edit | edit source]
Prior "live action" remakes from Disney[edit | edit source]
Disney had found a level of success in its "modernized, live action" remakes of its classic animated features starting in the 2010s and continued the trend into the 2020s, seeing a path to easy money, not because they ran out of original ideas. Or so their spokespeople say.
After making near-carbon-copies of classics such as Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast,[4] and The Lion King, Disney started getting adventurous and started incorporating hidden agenda messages from their government representatives in exchange for their history of lobbying. The Mulan remake was produced in conjunction with China Film Corp and got rid of its General Shang character, making it a generic action film with a Mary Sue lead who "don't need no man". Despite this, China still banned the film within its own borders due to how left-wing and "Americanized" the film was and refused to corrupt its own audiences, seeing it as an opportunity to corrupt American audiences instead.
Casting and filming[edit | edit source]
Despite receiving backlash for "race-swapping" the Little Mermaid, Disney saw that they still made money on that film, so they doubled down by casting Lord Farquaad as Snow White, allowing him to become not only the first cis-male actor to portray a Disney Princess, but also the first animated person to portray a live action character in film. It was later revealed that Farquaad was also part Mexican, making him the first Latino Latinx Disney Princess. To prepare for the role, Farquaad underwent a full gender transition for the film complete with surgery via a magic spell paid for by Disney.
Disney forgot to cast someone as the evil queen. Director Marc Webb got the idea to cast Gal Gadot after getting high one night and watching Wonder Woman 1984 over munchies, seeing the actor who played The Mandalorian also in it, and thinking it would be a good idea to pit an ex-Israeli soldier in the antagonist role up against the blatantly pro-Palestine Lord Farquaad.
The film was reshot multiple times due to trying to be as woke as possible, then backing out, then repeating the process over and over. By the time the producers reached their fifth reshoot, Bob Iger butted in and called it a wrap in order to save money for renovating Walt Disney World. The resulting final cut of the film was a mishmash of woke and not woke and chickening out at the last minute.
Lord Farquaad was also disappointed to learn that Disney did not have the funds to transition him back to being male due to last-minute budget cuts. He[5] is now on a bender and lashing out at everyone on social media.
Reception[edit | edit source]
Box office[edit | edit source]
In Lord Farquaad's own words, the film opened to the highest gross ever! That is, counting films that were a remake of the original 1937 film. Really though, the film has been considered one of the "films of all time" and is doing poorly at the box office due to Farquaad alienating MAGA country, traditionally one of Disney's strongest markets. In addition, pro-Israel folks are boycotting the movie, pro-Palestine folks are boycotting the movie, and pro-Short-King people are boycotting the movie due to the horrendous CGI on their "short kings". No one is watching the movie. Congrats, Disney, on your fantabulous marketing campaign. No one is happy.
Critical response[edit | edit source]
Critics called the film the "bestest thing evar! We wished it were more woke though, and we were totally not paid by Disney management to say this!" and praised Farquaad's performance while trashing Gadot's, while audiences (the ones who braved the trip anyways) and online "Twitter Bot" trolls trashed the film and Farquaad's "weird, weird" performance while praising Gadot's, saying that the Queen was truly the fairest of them all and that they were "rooting for the apple".
Impact[edit | edit source]
According to seismologists, Walt Disney is now rolling in his grave cryo-pod due to how horrendously the 2025 film tainted his legacy. Due to the damage the film wreaked on Walt Disney Studios' already faltering reputation, Bob Iger fired the entire team behind Snow White '25 and is strongly considering waking Walt Disney from cryosleep via "true love's kiss" to course-correct the company's current trajectory.
See also[edit | edit source]
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ paid by Disney anyways to make the box office look better. So it's part of their budget, unfortunately
- ↑ Fortune tellings and eastern medicine, not a big deal.
- ↑ Looks like Disney is now promoting cougars, weird, weird..
- ↑ which was the same aside from making one minor character flamboyantly gay
- ↑ His pronouns are "he/him", alright!? That's his choice despite being stuck in the body of a girl forever
