DC Extended Universe
The DC Extended Universe (DCEU),[1] also known "affectionately" as the DC SnyderVerse, was a film franchise created by Zack Snyder for Warner Bros. with the intention of being an "edgy, dark and gritty" alternative to the Marvel La-La Land created by Mickey Mouse and his corporate cronies. Some even say it's an edgy, dark and gritty alternative to the mainstream DC Comics universe itself. Particularly, the films feature a world of depressed and gloomy superheroes because why not?
The DCEU or Snyderverse has since been nuked by James Gunn, who plans to create MCU 2.0 in its place, only with more fart jokes.
Movies[edit | edit source]
Man of Squeal (2013)[edit | edit source]
This movie, which reboots Superman, makes everyone squeal. Old-school fans of the Reeve/Donner films squeal because it's "not our Superman". Girls and gay guys all squeal because "OMG Henry Cavill is Super-jacked and Super-hott!" Marvel fans squeal because "OMG Supes just freaking killed a guy!" and it's not as brightly colored and family-friendly as their movies. Warner Bros squealed because this is the highest grossing Superman film to date... yet it still didn't make 1 billion dollars. Snyder fans squeal because "OMG Superman is finally cool and not white-bread and boring!" and also because they want more Snyderverse and Cavill, but also because there was not enough slo-mo in this film. Henry Cavill is squealing because he's still waiting to reprise the role in a true sequel and wants a better writer.
Batman v Superman Warners v Snyder: Yawn of Martha (2016)[edit | edit source]
After the success of Man of Steel, Zack Snyder added Batman into the mix for a sequel... or was it the other way around? The process to make this film turned into a battle in itself. The end-result: a badass Batman seems to be battling a depressed Superman over whose Martha.. er, mommy was better in the cut-up, convoluted but "cool-looking" abomination that was ultimately released in theaters. Fans of the film recommend watching the extended version of the film and that "haters don't understand." Either way, the battle to make the film was judged as more entertaining than the theatrical release of the film itself by critics.
This movie about some kinda squad makes me want to commit suicide (2016)[edit | edit source]
After hearing from too many "haters" on BvS and experiencing FOMO from watching Fox get rave reviews on Deadpool, WB took a bunch of drugs and interrupted David Ayer's production of Suicide Squad. 'Nuff said. Just watch the film, if you can. It's essentially just a 2.5-hour trailer for a bunch of stuff that just happens with some obscure, edgy, "anti-hero" characters, and they try to be all Deadpool and stuff, but it fails miserably. Don't get me started on Jared Leto Joker. *shudders* Oh, and I forgot Will Smith somehow was in this movie too.
David Ayer was then ordered by Kevin Tsujihara to shovel out their organs for bringing on shame to the WB family, when the fault actually lay with studio management themselves.
Captain America ripoff Wonder Woman (2017)[edit | edit source]
So far, the most well-received movie in the entire DCEU. Wondy is just eating ice cream and kicking ass. Somehow the film avoided a copyright claim by Disney for that part in which a guy named Steve sacrificed himself for world peace but it was because Captain America was pre-Disney.
Josstice Weed (2017)[edit | edit source]
Thanks to interference from Joss Whedon and incompetent, reactionary studio heads at Warner bruhs, Zack Snyder quit the DCEU and the Justice League decided to cope by all getting high before finally getting the reshoots done. The results: everyone does a bunch of stuff they all regret, such as Wonder Woman getting roofied by Flash in an ill-fated attempt to get Batman jealous, Bats getting blackout drunk after watching them, Superman getting a weird CGI mustache and strangely acting like how people thought he was supposed to act instead of being Super-depressed, and everyone getting scared shitless by a creepy, cringey "family friendly" makeover by Steppenwolf. And it's all caught on tape. Essentially this is The Hangover crossed with Cheech and Chong, just with the Justice League. And soap opera-grade writing and "special" effects a la Whedon.
Da Snyder Cut (2021)[edit | edit source]
Turns out the reason why the Justice League got depressed over Josstice League was that Snyder's version was the real movie that was supposed to be released. This 4-day long director's cut of the movie (and no, it's not just a Lord of the Rings-esque extended version) includes so much more, including the League eating shawarma and having a debate on how to brew tea, a badass yet adorable rendition of Steppenwolf, a bunch of Aquaman fans singing to him while high on sea-weed, an actual character arc for Cyborg such as robbing a bank or causing inflation, Supes coming back to life and deciding to go through a Goth stage, non-cringey flirting between Batman and Wonder Woman, and Flash actually being helpful but also stealing hot dogs and creeping on chicks, along with Martian Manhunter... actually having been Superman's mom the whole time? WTF?! And it's entirely in slow-mo, a 4:3 aspect ratio, and Zack Snyder's signature gray color palette, all done with the passion of actors, directors, and special effects artists. Really, without the slo-mo and extra stuff, such as shoe-horning in Joker, you could trim the Snyder Cut down to 3.5 hours. Still a better watch than the monstrosity that came out in 2017, though.
Aquarium Man and the Wench from Hell (2012)[edit | edit source]
Rated Arghhh for overly saturated CGI colors and excessive exposure to bland acting from Amber Heard, who turns this into torture porn by keeping our man Aquaman in an aquarium and gaslighting him into "loving" her. Somehow still made a billion bucks though.
Shipoopi! (2019)[edit | edit source]
Poop and fart jokes! And a 14-year-old kid who suddenly becomes a superhero! And.. discovers what adulting is and why kids should enjoy their childhoods while they can. What's not to like about Shazam?
Birds of Poop (and a really, reeeeeeally long, over-thought, "fabulous" title for a film that has absolutely nothing to do with them and even more pointless stuff and muh feminism and ... why are you still reading this title? This is not really a Birds of Prey movie but actually a Harley Quinn movie. Come on, STOP READING THIS TITLE! It's really long, alright? Just blame WB for making us make this title so incredibly long. Wow, you've got really good eyesight, don't you? Joke's on WB, they made this entire title change AFTER the movie came out because audiences got confused at first.) (Whatever year #MeToo came out)[edit | edit source]
Oh wait, I totally forgot this film existed. Whoopsie!
Blunder Wahman 1984 (NOT 1984)[edit | edit source]
Contrary to popular belief, this is actually not about Wonder Woman. It's her evil twin from the Bizarro world, Blunder Wahman, who is a serial rapist at Geoff Johns' an Patty Jenkins' insistence. Some idiot at WB also decided it was a good idea to have an upskirt scene of Blunder Wahman...of her as a child anyway during a flashback. That idiot and everyone else who enjoyed or defended this abomination of the film was subsequently tracked down, beaten, raped, and tortured by the FBI.
The Seppuku Squad remake (2021)[edit | edit source]
WB is really going after Disney this time, recruiting Marvel reject James Gunn to build an actual movie without studio intervention. The result: more edgy, obscure "anti-hero" characters, Gunn's "smokin' hot" wife shoe-horned into every other frame as some random special agent character, and some dead baby and rape jokes instead of Shazam's juvenile humor. And enough interest in a TV series based on the character Pee-maker.
The Rock invades DC, AKA Black Adam (2022)[edit | edit source]
"Coming soon: Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson has challenged ALL DCEU characters — That's right, ALL DC Extended Universe characters — to a massive showdowwwwwwwn! He just insulted Superman's mother, is Super Cavill gonna take that? We all remembered what happened the last time some jabroni threatened Supe's mother! What's that? SUPERMAN JUST ACCEPTED! SUPERMAN JUST ACCEPTED! THE FIGHT IS ON!"
Due to Walter Hamada being a complete chode and other legal reasons, Superman may have to pull out of this fight, so The Rock's character, Black Adam, may have to fight Shazam instead. C'mon, who wants to see a literal pro wrestler take on a 14-year-old dweeb? Boooooooooo!
Aquarium Man: Far From the Wench from Hell (2023)[edit | edit source]
Guess WB is not going to cancel Amber Heard after all. Aquaman would rather hang out with his homicidal brother than that horrible woman, so there they go to some place called the Lost Kingdom.
The Flush (2023)[edit | edit source]
WB wants to flush the current DC universe, especially Super-Cavs and Batfleck, down the toilet and start over, using this film as an excuse, and turn it into a desolate landscape ruled by Michael Keaton's 90-year-old Batman, Amber Heard, and a non-white-male, "woke" Trinity of Super Person, Bat-wahman, and Blunder Wahman. Unfortunately, Ezra Miller has gone full retard, putting the studio's plans and its entire future in jeopardy.
Spoiler alert! James Gunn clogged the toilet while attempting to flush everything and everyone down, flooding the entire building and causing it to burn down. He subsequently blamed Zack Snyder just because. Waste Management has been called up to clean up Gunn's mess, with the NRC also summoned to dispose of Ezra Miller and Amber Heard due to their radioactivity.
Aquarium Man: No Wench from Hell (never)[edit | edit source]
Finally WB decides to fire Amber Heard into the sun after no one watches the second Aquaman movie. Except for the Chinese audience who didn't know any better.
Characters[edit | edit source]
Sad commando Superman[edit | edit source]
Portrayed by Henry Cavill, who also plays the Witcher and tried out for James Bond, this version of Superman doesn't wear his red tighty-whities outside his suit, which is somewhat normal. He's just too sad to save anyone and struggles with crippling depression, making endless Jesus poses half the time. He's Super-ripped though and.. what the fuck is wrong with his lips? He and Bats get into an argument about Martha, and then Supes dies and comes back to life, all dressed in black because Snyder. Nope, the mustached version doesn't count, you hater. Super Cavill is also known for leaving a trail of damage everywhere he goes, but it purportedly don't matter because "OMG he's so hawwwt!"
Batfleck[edit | edit source]
Played by Ben Affleck, this guy murders people and uses guns! Not my Batman! He still looks pretty badass though, except when Joss Whedon nerfed him and when he cried about Martha in Batman v Superman. Probably not the guy to sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg" to, as Batfleck will beat the shit out of you with that 245 pound frame before branding your ass and shipping you off to Arkham. That is, if the heads at WB don't suddenly write him out and replace him with nutty ol' Michael Keaton, Patt-man or Adam West's corpse.
WonderGal[edit | edit source]
She's so damn hot! Even though I can't really hear her half the time, I always pause the movies for a lil peek up her skir- OW! Okay, she's also a good role model for all the girls, showing that you can just blast people out the window if they try to catcall you. Sheesh, sorry Danielle! She also kills people though and might be a rapist after having sex with a guy who she thought was her dead boyfriend... nope that was Blunder Wahman, especially if you discount Josstice League and WW84. Continuity debates, amiright? This version of Wonder Woman is played by Gal Gadot.
Badass Aquaman[edit | edit source]
Wait... Aquaman is allowed to be badass? And are you sure we're not ripping off Thor? Well, if he swims instead it should be okay. Jason Momoa plays himself as a whiskey-guzzling superhero who gives absolutely zero fucks about anything... unless it swims underwater. He also has a bunch of tattoos and a badass beard. My man!
Lex Zuckerberg[edit | edit source]
Jesse Eisenberg forgot he wasn't playing Mark Zuckerberg being parodied by Andy Samberg, but Zack Snyder saw this and said "hmm, let's try an edgy choice to play Lex Luthor...berg." Just a tip of the iceberg on how "deep" BvS tried to be, but it wound up confusing audiences, and apparently even Batman and Superman themselves in the movie, so it kinda worked, but didn't. Awk-berg!
The Coker[edit | edit source]
"HUNKA HUNKA! My name is Joker and I'm played by Jared morbin' Leto. Wanna be mah frieeeend??"
Erm... no. Go back to playing that Morbin' vampire guy on... nevermind, just go back to making music, Leto. And lose the tattoos, bruh.
The Public Flasher[edit | edit source]
A complete noob who is good for nothing in Joss Whedon's version of Justice League, except for cracking lame jokes about brunch, humping Wonder Woman, and rescuing a random Russian family still living at Chernobyl of all places.
The real version of the Flash can turn back time and has cool music. #RestoreTheSnyderVerse!
Either way, one thing either version of the film can't scrub out is that Flash is apparently a member of the Ministry of Silly Walks, given his funky running motion. Played by girl choker and possible lunatic Ezra Miller.
Angry robot black kid with hacking powers[edit | edit source]
I don't blame him for being gloomy. Cyborg really got "screwed over" for getting his legs, throwing arm, and dick chopped off in a car crash, ending his football career. At least he got rebuilt into a cool robot guy though. Ray Fisher still wouldn't say "boo yah" though despite pressure from Joss Whedon. Well, he actually did get screwed over as it was a dumb reason to cut out his entire story in Justice League, but maybe he's a bit too salty? He's now going after the entire studio management team, trying to throw it on the ground because you "can't be part of the system! A > E."
Flappy fish market girl[edit | edit source]
Since her divorce from Johnny Depp, Amber Heard has taken refuge in the DCEU due to everyone in the real world hating her guts. Here she poses as a Little Mermaid cosplayer who happens to be Aquaman's so-called girlfriend Mera. Now if only she could actually act. Cool bloodbending skills though.
Amber Heard has also refused to pay rent to WB and is about to be evicted, so we'll see about that.
Okay, which version of Steppenwolf is canon again?[edit | edit source]
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Your creepy uncle, Stephen Wolf[edit | edit source]
Born through unnatural means in Joss Whedon's Buffy labs, this testicle-chinned abomination spent the last 5,000 years guzzling PBR and binge-watching Fox News and Breitbart before trying to crash the Justice League's family reunion and "make everyone love me" with his mommy boxes and forced, cheesy dad jokes. Ugh..
Clifford the Big Gray Wolf[edit | edit source]
Awww, just look at the guy's eyes, he's not gonna hurt ya- OMG RUN he's got spiky armor and an electric axe! This version of Steppenwolf is just a giant puppy capable of actually kicking your ass. And they said that he's not family friendly? My four-year-old nephew would rather watch this this big guy chop Amazons and Atlanteans in half than Uncle Steve's cringey quips and face. Now that is traumatizing for him.
A kid named Billy[edit | edit source]
So some kid from Philadelphia smokes a magic-laced joint and turned into an adult superhero. Kewl. Goes by the name Captain Sparkles because he tried using the name Captain Marvel, then got beat up by Disney for "copyright infrigement". Billy/Captain Sparklefingers went on a quest to try to wrest ownership of the "Captain Marvel" name back but figured okay, "Shazam" is not too bad. Also tells sooooooo many fart jokes! I mean, he's basically a kid in an adult body so it's understandable. One superpower he does have that's interesting is the ability to tell what song is playing on the speakers.
Seppuku squad[edit | edit source]
A bunch of dorks in jail with powers so lame they committed seppuku. Actually, that was mostly because the Coker wouldn't leave them alone with his weirdness.
Comics-accurate, INDAPENDANT-STRONG-WAHMAN Harley Quinn[edit | edit source]
Basically a carbon copy of the comics' version of Harley Quinn as portrayed by Margot Robbie. Well, here ya go, all you comic nerds! Here's a character who's 100% comics-accurate, but then inevitably friendzones the Coker because... Honestly, who wouldn't? Therefore, she's now an "INDAPENDANT-STRONG-WAHMAN". Ya happy?
Pee-maker JOHN CENA![edit | edit source]
This man, totally not John Cena, fights for the right to pee everywhere. No matter how many men, women, children, TV shows, or universes he has to kill to get it. And no one will ever suspect a thing because you can't see him. Also tells a lot of fart and dick jokes to try to appeal to the kiddies, as mandated by Warners' management and James Gunn.
A bunch of female superheroes who no one cares about[edit | edit source]
Seriously, who are the Birds of Prey? Black Canary is cool, but no one cares about Renee Montoya or... who? Humpty Dumpty? ohhhhhh, Huntress. It's not even the comics version of Huntress. My point exactly. They didn't even star in their own movie, which focused instead on Harley Quinn. Lol.
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Hey, why not just call it the DC Movie Universe or DC Cinematic Universe? So confusing...
External links[edit | edit source]
