UnNews:New Superman movie to be more realistic

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

24 August 2008

HOLLYWOOD, California - Recently the Warner Brothers have announced their plans to reboot the Superman franchise after the horrid sales of the box-office bomb Superman Return. The most recent film was panned for its horrid script, defiance of physics (which involved a man flying around in some city called Metropolis), and the horrid character interaction which involved Superman, Lex, and Lois talking to each other for thirty minutes straight. The reboot promises to make no reference to any movie that has ever been published and, instead, will assume the mantle of the first film ever produced (albeit not in black and white with no sound).

Jeff Robotinvo, the president of Warner Brothers, told us that "the film was a piece of shit that desecrated the franchise. I don't know what I was thinking to let this wannabee Bryan Singer direct our movie, I don't know what made his last movie X' so great. Maybe I was drunk at the time, but that movie was overhyped and a lot of people saw it because it had explosions and stupid shit." He went on to add, in a slightly slurred manner, that "Who would make Superman a character? Everybody loves Superman because he's strong and beats on people like my mother once did. Adding character to superman fuckin' killed the movie. I mean, who wants to see Superman talking to some woman or boy for an hour and shit? Nobody, that's who! Even Batman & Robin was better then this shit." He also confirmed that an apparent release date push-back to 2011 was caused by Bryan Singer's constant delays, cauised by Singer skipping work and having sex with most of the company's employees.

Our reporter, Not Sure, has confirmed that the movie will indeed be more realistic based off the success of the corresponding movie The Dark Knight. Robotinvo says that every DC movie will be more realistic by eliminating anything that's not realistic including superpowers, and the new Superman movie will be no exception. Superman's new powers are rumored to be a Jetpack which he wears on his back, a bulletproof vest he wears around his shirt, and a "Supermobile" which will actually be a 1997 Honda Civic in disguise.

Comic Book Fans, moviegoers, and bloggers have all applauded the discussion with thunderous applause, with one blogger going under the name "ipwnsuprmom" saying that "teh new suprman is goin 2 be gret, i luv ter dark knite! i cnt wait 4 a moive liek teh dark knite!!!111!!" He also added, "batmen u rulz so haerd!!111!!!11 plz taek me awey 4evar!!11". A moviegoer who actually went to see "Superman Returns" says, "This new movie sounds like it's going to be exciting. We rarely get to see movies that are dark, all our kids ever get to see is stuff that is extremely, extremely bright, and we don't like bright so much. And the new realistic superman... My son loves Superman, he even has the new version of Superman on his shirt. Aw, isn't he cute?". One of the biggest film critics in the industry, Roger Ebert, had expressed general mehness for the overall announcement. He said that "the movie is just going to be Superman Returns II. It still has Superman, Lois Lane, Lex Luthor and a lot of those guys but does it really make any difference if it is realistic? And isn't the jetpack just a replacement for flying? It'll be a good movie regardless but I'm just concerned about the health of this movie."

The acclaim was met with some criticism, as over 3% of the people who have actually seen the movie and... get this... liked it! Had said that the new realistic Superman is a joke compared to the Golden Superman of the Golden Age. "wbusuk" a 35-year-old female blogger from Clearwater, Florida had said that "making Superman realistic is killing Superman all together. Whatever happened to character? I liked Superman Returns because it focused on Superman's character, now it's just going to be a 90-minute romp through Superman destroying stuff, but this will appeal to the drunken 20-year-old fratboy who basically loves action as much as he loves beer." Ironically only one person who watched Superman Returns said that the new movie "is going to be a great 90-minute thrill ride."

However good the film might be or how faithful it is to "Superman", analysts predict that it will make $23 million dollars on opening weekend and $252 million dollars in box office sales alone.

Sources

• Jim Vejvoda "New Superman movie to kick awesome ass!" IGN, August 22, 2008

• Lauren Schuker "Warner to make non-existent movies" Wall Street Journal, August 22, 2008