Jet pack

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One of the many, many drawings of the inside of the jetpack.

Jet pack, rocket belt, rocket pack, and similar names, are various types of a legendary device, usually worn on the back, that are propelled by jets of escaping gases (or in some cases liquid water) so as to allow a single user to fly. Invented by Thomas Edison in 2002, it is a wondrous contraption that runs entirely on stem cells and quarters from any gumball machine.

How it Works[edit | edit source]

The Jet Pack works like so:

  • The Reverse Actuator machine takes energy from a special energy sac in stem cells known only as The Jefferson Sac, which was discovered by Billy Gnome Jefferson in 1905 during his experiments with Viagra and toothpaste.
A broken Ipod, considered to be the brains of your standard jet pack
  • The energy from the stem cells is absorbed into a paper bag covering a bottle of champaign. The bottle is hooked to an Energizer battery, which in turn is connected to an old Ipod.
  • Combustion occurs, and the power from the battery is moved along by a quarter that rolls around a track inside the Jet Pack.
  • Eventually, the quarter hits a button that says "Start" on it in big pink letters. This triggers an electric current directly to a pair of scissors.
  • The scissors cut a cord that causes a bag of lead to fall inside the machine, and pulls a cord. Gas and fuel is compacted into the system, and a cigarette lighter lights.
  • A horrible explosion occurs, and the device lifts up.

Controversy[edit | edit source]

In late 2004, Albert Einstein filed a lawsuit against Edison for stealing his designs. Einstein had a similar device that ran on dog shit and Extra Cheesy Doritos. It more resembles our modern design. Alas, the judge was smoking the reefer at the time, and regarded the entire affair as "A load of bullshit." [1]

Difference in Models[edit | edit source]

There are several different models of The Jet Pack. The Edison Model used to be the global standard, but recent developments by men such as Professor Michael Jackson and Professor Nathan Hale have come to include improved and modified versions of different Jet Pack models.

The Jackson Model: Powered by delightful squeals of little boys and pixie dust, the Jackson Jet Pack is a must have for pedophiles and perverts. One can find any model in the local Toys-R-Us  [2] store. Just look in the section under "Sexual Roleplay" and you'll find it.

The Geraldo Rivera Model: This model has been rejected by the men at Harvard for it's disgusting method. Powered by the blood of American patriots, The Geraldo Model uses an external combustion engine, designed to kill as many people as possible.

The Bob Saget Model: Developed by Bob Saget, it obviously doesn't work very well. Numerous complaints about breakdowns and death have been sent to Saget Industries, but the calls are never, ever returned. [3]

The left turbine for the Taft Jet Pack Model.

The William Howard Taft Model: This model is an American legend. It is capable of lifting up to 3,000 tons of pure fat, which is exactly the weight of fat president William Howard Taft. Unfortunately, it costs a lot to produce just one model, so the device was discontinued. You can still find one at Goodwill, if you look hard enough. WARNING: The device itself is extremely heavy. Physicians recommend eating plutonium to mutate your spine to grow into the device, if you so choose. The National Association of Jetpacks does not support this kind of behavior, however.

The National Association of Jetpacks[edit | edit source]

This organization was founded in 1904 by Richard Pettington. Although jetpacks didn't exist yet, many nerds flocked together to discuss what the jet pack might actually be. Many arguments and debates developed over the years, and many idiotic designs were made. The most idiotic design was made by Richard Pettington himself. The designs showed a fully functional combustion engine, with a built in navigation system, GPS, SPG, PGS, SGP, PSP, NavCom, A.I, and a multitude of other amazing devices. Nerds laughed at Pettington for being such a pussy, and Richard was kicked out of the NAJ. The current president is Nikola Tesla, although his position is constantly backed by controversies so dark that they shall not be mentioned until a further time.

Footnotes[edit | edit source]

  1. ^  Coincidentally, American scientist Travis Cockburn created a form of the Jet Pack that runs entirely on bullshit, without almost any mechanical parts at all. It is hailed as a gem to modern society.
  1. ^  Actually, the Jackson Model will not be available for much longer. A controversial "hidden feature" was found in the machine, causing little boys to teleport straight to Neverland Ranch with no clothes on. Many parents are distraught by this.
  1. ^  Unless you asked for sex...