Prince Charming
- This article deals with the folklore figure. For the current Disneyland Great Council member, see Prince Jeremy the Charming.
Prince Charming is what every woman wants.[2] He is tall, dark and handsome (or – if the woman prefers – blond, medium-height, and well-tanned). He is brawny but not bulky. He is rich. Prince Charming never forgets an anniversary or an important date. He always watches the kids with a grin on his face. He never leaves the toilet seat up. He is assertive and gets his way, but always makes the woman feel that she is getting her own way. While he may or may not be a prince, as the individual woman's desires dictate, Prince Charming is always manly. And he never, never comes first.
Also, like unicorns and Santa Claus, he does not exist. He is a figment of the female imagination, but therein lies the appeal: he is the faceless yet attractive "everyman" she wants.
History of Prince Charming[edit | edit source]
Women dream and daydream of a perfect man to sweep them off their feet both literally and figuratively.[3]As society developed beyond hunting-gathering and into the eras of kingdoms and empires, the dream became a "blue-blooded"[4] male who would fall in love with them and whisk them off to an enchanted life of ease in his castle.
It was bullshit then, and it is bullshit now.
It was such bullshit, in fact, that even women came to realize that Prince Charming did not exist. His characteristics are less defined than those of other imaginary beings like the Easter Bunny or a good husband. Really, his name sums up his identity: a man of standing and rank (hence "a prince") who is physically and personally appealing (hence charming). That's it. Fairy tales often leave a character completely undeveloped, since no one really knows who he is (not even the heroine). Indeed, Prince Charming often remains a virtual stranger to the heroine until the "happily ever after" ending. And this is for a good reason: if the heroine got to know him before consummating their love, she would surely find him to be a shit-eating bastard like every other man alive. Then the story would be over, sans happy ending.
Stories with Prince Charming[edit | edit source]
- Snow White: After she falls into a coma caused by a poisoned apple created by an evil witch, Prince Charming has the help kill the witch.[5]
- Sleeping Beauty: Prince Charming renders her not only conscious but horny as ever.[6]
- Cinderella: After learning that she has a foot fetish, Prince Charming steals one of her shoes and returns it to her, causing an orgasm on contact.
- Beauty and the Beast: Trapped in the body of an ugly whore-beast, Prince Charming still manages to get laid. There's no explanation for what some women are into.
- The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air: Will Smith may be the closest thing to a real Prince Charming that the world has ever seen.
What Prince Charming means for men[edit | edit source]
Prince Charming possesses every male characteristic that normal men lack. No, really. Prince Charming is pure testosterone. If a man has abs, Prince Charming has bigger ones. If a man has a "manly" job that covers him in pheromone-laden sweat, Prince Charming produces more of it just undergoing his daily morning workout (and without body odor as a byproduct). And if a man is well-hung ... f'geddaboudit!
This would all be a problem for regular men, of course, if Prince Charming actually existed – even women who marry actual princes end up settling for a normal human being. So all Prince Charming really does is get women's hopes up for nothing. Thanks, Brothers Grimm!
Men, on the other hand, can rejoice at the fact that they do not actually have to compete with any "Prince Charming" for a mate. Perfectly normal schlubs can thus end up with women who would rate as princesses if they were actual royalty. In fact, a recent poll taken by Consumer Reports indicates that 93% of men vow that their wives really believe themselves to be princesses, and demand they be treated as such.[7]
- ↑
- ↑ This article has nothing to do with Mel Gibson. Or What Women Want.
- ↑ Things like gathering berries, cleaning soiled loin cloths, and feeding starving brats tended to tire even the most energetic cavewoman, especially with a rude and unappreciative caveman back at the cave.
- ↑ Only Prince Charming Smurf has actual blue blood.
- ↑ Dwarves are generally neither charming nor princely.
- ↑ That night she once again lay unconscious after an intense orgasm.
- ↑ That poll, like Prince Charming himself, is pure bullshit.
