Beauty

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In physics, beauty is a measurement of bonability. A few fine examples would be Audrey Hepburn, sunsets, thin girls, and women with orange skin. It is somewhat analogous to charge, in that the more beauty a woman has, the more money will be charged to a man's credit card. This analogy is not perfect, as detailed below.

The Quantum Theory of Beauty and Relativity[edit]

Beauty, which is usually measured in units of millihelens, is best understood through statistical analysis. Much as, in quantum mechanics, the measurement of a particle's position determines likelihood of the observer finding the particle in a region of space at some future time, the measurement of an object's (woman's) beauty determines the likelihood that the observer will bone the object at some future time.

Beauty is not the only quantity to consider when determining such a probability, however, as other properties may be controlling (see Other (secondary) Factors). In general, a large amount of beauty indicates a low likelihood of boning, a mediocre amount of beauty indicates a very high likelihood of boning, and a small amount of beauty indicates a high likelihood of loneliness, unemployment, masturbation, and homelessness.

The quantum theory of beauty is also a relativistic one, and as such successfully competes with superstring theory in the acquisition of gargantuan research grants from the Federal government. Thus, the well-funded observer must compensate for a variety of factors to correctly determine the beauty of an object (i.e., woman).

Beauty is in the Eye of the Beer Holder[edit]

Wait, maybe beauty is in the eye of the burger holder.

Someone long ago said that beauty was in the eye of the tree folder, but since the art of tree folding was lost centuries ago the expression has gone through a historical game of telephone until it arrived at the current interpretation of: Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder. Because of this, many people have had affairs with beekeepers (who, by nature, are lonely and easily seduced), seeking an affirmation (honestly or otherwise) of their beauty. Others have tried to make an extract of beauty from the eyes of beekeepers, with limited success. According to the Fashion Police, ugliness is the opposite of beauty, and is a fine-able offense in the board game Monopoly.

The Ugly Truth About Beauty[edit]

While you are content rising at the crack of seven, to enjoy a hot shower and savour a leisurely breakfast, the beautiful have already left the makeup chair on set for a morning cameo on "Rise 'n' Shine Zimbabwe" after an early morning flight halfway around the world. Then, it's a pushing and shoving extravaganza as paparazzi beat each other nearly to death with their autograph books, all striving to be first in line to have theirs be the first graced with the pen, and perhaps even be given the privilege of returning the beautiful person to the airport via taxi.

Some women work hard just to look "normal", don't be fooled!

Finally, it's a mad dash to airport security, deftly avoiding the unending flurry of marriage proposals and the eerie glances of men old enough to be their older brother, before finally sinking into their plush Italian leather executive chair on the private jet to suffer the delivery of horrible news — the Cotechino con Lenticchie has been substituted for an infinitely inferior Roasted Chicken with Risotto and Caramelized Onions. How gauche.

Weight of the World[edit]

Do you realize the expense of having a team of hairdressers on call 24 hours a day by emergency pager, in order to maintain the perfect coiffure? The daily responsibility of choosing whether to wear Calvin Klein, Vesace, or Karl Lagerfeld, all while trying to avoid the tiresome phone calls from Charlie Sheen? Their drab and awful lives depending solely upon ensuring that their shoes never clash with their handbag in the photos for People Magazine? It's exhausting.

Primary Factors affecting Beauty[edit]

That is much better. A truly beautiful woman may sometimes be hidden underneath a furry beard. Shave or Nair™, and then reassess.

Alcohol: Alcohol is the most common cause of a distorted beauty measurement. A person under the influence of alcohol will typically measure beauty to be greater than it actually is. Such a person will later make typical statements such as, "OMG, I SLEPT with a homeless woman last night!"

Wealth: A wealthy woman may appear more attractive than a poor woman. Women are unaware of this fact. Thus, a rich woman will compensate for her ugliness by buying the observer expensive things. For this reason, it is usually unnecessary to compensate for wealth. Coincidingly, a rich observer has a better shot with said woman.

Mass (or Weight, for you non-physics types): If the object has an anomalously large mass, the object's gravitational field will warp time itself, causing local clocks to slow to a crawl, making painful dinner dates subjectively last far too long.