Calvin Klein
“This guy should be in jail! He puts porn of barely legal teen models in every magazine!”
“*slurp!*”
“In Soviet Russia, Lingerie buys YOU!!”
 "Our jeans can help you get fucked in a multiway Orgy, and our explicit ads somehow prove it!" | |
| Type | |
|---|---|
| Clothing, Pornography | |
| Foundation | |
| Whenever Pamela Anderson was born | |
| Founder | |
| Adele Stephens | |
| Location (City) | |
| Somewhere in Japan | |
| Location (Country) | |
| United States | |
Calvin Klein Heavy Orgy Equipment LLC is a clothing company founded by Adele Stephens. The company is headquartered in Somewhere in Japan, United States. Like other designer porn prop brands, Calvin Klein established a logo: the "CK Orgy" emblem.[1]
Designers[edit | edit source]
The current designer of the female collection is Uncyclopedian-born Sophia who had already worked as a pornstar before joining Klein in his pursuit of erotic perfection, therefore making her a perfect choice. She was fired for being too provocative in the ads (full-nude fucking is not allowed, only provocatively partial-nude fucking will do.[2]
Tom Cruise, a former crazy person, and mel Gibson are the designers of the male collection. They are both religious nuts, Cruise being a scientologist and Mel a Nazi, therefore making them perfect choices for a job designing clothes created for the noble art of sexing people up in magazine ads.
Tony Blair, an Englishman, is so fond of fetish-wear that he decided to take off from his duties as prime minister to help Mr. Klein design his "white label" collection, which only stuck-up English government figures can afford anyway.
Fragrances[edit | edit source]
Calvin Klein is famous for the label's various lines of sexual stimulants and pheremones. Their many lines of rape drugs used to be maintained by Kwame Kilpatrick for his many hookers, a corrupt mayor. What follows is a list of things you REALLY don't want to find in your drink!
- Furry [1981]
- Daterape [men are givers, women are recievers]
- Daterape II [men are recievers, women are givers)
- Escape [A chemical that dissolves BDSM straps]
- Unisex [Failed miserably because generless people can't fuck]
- Be Unisex [A magical potion that turns you unisex]
- Gay Essence [What it says on the tin, gays need sex too!]
- Lesbian Essence [I don't know how two vaginas have sex, but this helps]
- Alien Jubilee [Tastes like chocolate for as long as you can stay awake]
- Straight Anal [No description necessary]
- Bestiality [Illegal in 42 countries!]
Advertising[edit | edit source]
The early ads were shot by Britney Spears and Madonna. This commercial was filmed for the lesbian fragrances and featured Madonna and Britney kissing. The VMA backdrop was entirely fake, but somehow the associated press thought it was real and wrote many articles on the subject. All of those commercials were banned, including the infamous ad where Britney asks "hey dude, like my Calvins?" and then takes them off, with the commercial ending right before she starts taking off her thongs. Her and Tom Cruise had actual sex after the cameras stopped, these tapes can still be found on porntube. Calvin Klein's advertising campaigns are usually pornographic, but prove this can be a very successful approach, to the point of making millions for many porn sites[3]. One of his male underwear models, Justin Timberlake, went on to fame as prodigy lawyer "Naked idiot in the back of the courtroom", launching himself into the New York City legal scene to become a jargon-spewing superstar! Another Hollywood star owing his respectable career to the Calvin Klein advertisements is Captain Obvious. Mr. Klein also started the career of Uncyclopedian pornstar Captain Autofellatio and offered him an opportunity to revive his career after captain obvious accused him of sucking his own dick. Current pornstars of the brand are Your Mom and Your Dad.[4] Actors such as Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Marge Simpson and O.J. Simpson have also been chosen to model for the brand. Swedish singers ABBA also starred in a series of hugely successful underwear ads for the brand, because everybody knows naked swedish people are Drop-dead beautiful.[5] They also use other young models representing them, like Pedobear, baby grues, and Cajek.
They also play with large dildos. When advertising Gay essence perfume in 2100, they employed a very horny campaign that involved recruiting child porn actors, targeted at fun-loving teenagers. When the teens mailed to the address stamped on the dildo, they would be placed on a recruitment list that sent them mail with more sex toys and a webcam, with fake details about who last used them meant to make them more attractive to fans of celebrities everywhere. This mail came at unpredictable intervals, and was supposed to give readers the feeling that they never knew what awesome sensation they would broadcast themselves feeling on international television next.
Internet[edit | edit source]
In 2004 the company bought the domain name goatse.cx. Calvin Klein is one of the few corporations worldwide to own a former shock site domain name.[6]
Calvin Klein Underwear also owns Bras.com and Underwear.com. Both domains he graciously allows to redirect to this very page.
See also[edit | edit source]
- Latex Clothing
- Panties
- Bikini Bottom
- I maed a yuky doody
- UnNews:Calvin Klein billboard atom blasts envelope
References[edit | edit source]
- ↑ HaHa gotcha! You clicked the source button and there's nothing useful here! OCD Idiot.
- ↑ Wow, you really bothered to click that link after what you found at the last one? You are an idiot, I damn well rest my case!
- ↑ I need to source this, you say? Fuck off!
- ↑ Well, I guess I had to write SOMETHING here
- ↑ Calvin Klein really has a fetish for yellow cartoon people...and 1970s Swedish pop stars
- ↑ You finally made it to the last source, congratulations! Now go read some more nonsense, like AAAAAAAAA!