Friend zone

A Category 1 friend zone is established for a particularly love-weary stalker-type.

When it comes to relationships, if there is one word that scares men most, it is definitely "friend." Throughout history, even the most courageous and ambitious of men have been slammed with the "F" word to become hopeless, helpless quivering heaps of despair. But there is hope.

A man who finds himself in the friend zone has not necessarily reached the end of the road. Just because she thinks of him as "a friend" does not mean all hope is lost. He just needs to learn what zone he is really in.

Misconception

Perhaps the greatest misconception among men is that women are hard to understand. Notions have existed since the 4532nd century B.C. that women say one thing and mean another. Or, that women actually meant something vaguely similar yet unpredictably different and it will never be possible to know. This is simply not true at all. When a woman says something, the meaning is definite, clear, and has no more then five exact variants. Sometimes there are as little as two meanings for what she says which are exact and to the point. All one has to do is know these exact variants, and the methodology for decoding which of the meanings are true for the given situation. There really is no need for a man to feel left "in the dark". It is possible to understand women. You just need to start listening.

So the time has come to clarify, once and for all, the meaning of "friends." Men faced with this situation can rest assured they finally understand where things stand in their relationship, and thus find their way out of the "friend zone."

Real meaning of "Friends"

Men think they know what a woman means when she uses the "F" word. They assume they are trapped at a veritable road block - the Friend Zone - which cannot be passed, like ever. This is only because they heard it from their guy-friend who is still a virgin and knows nothing about women but is pretending to have all the answers to disguise the fact that he is a total loser. But if the man had only learned the truth, instead of believing his pathetic virgin guy-friend, it would have been clear that there are three different friend zones, all which are distinct and identifiable. And since, of course, men never listen, they never realized that there is even a NATO stock number for each of the three categories of "friends". How could it ever have been confusing?

Friend Zone Category 1

(NATO NSN 5340-01-228-0218)

Ok, so the bad news first. Cat 1 is the category that men automatically conclude they are in: the women in question has subtly but totally denied any possibility that things are going to go any further between them. A man in the friend zone category one just isn't what she is looking for or in other words, isn't "her type", and it is even possible that she finds him physically repulsive. Or perhaps she's lesbian. In the case of same sex situations, it's possible that that guy he's into.. is probably just not into men.

Again, it would be wrong to jump to this conclusion immediately, without reviewing the other possible meanings. However, if at any time - any time - the woman says that she thinks of you "as a brother" then this is a definitely a sign of a Cat 1, no questions. The woman knows what she wants, or in this case, what she doesn't. Turn around and go home to avoid further deterioration of your mental health and dignity, which may lead to side effects such as feeling like an incel and wanting to nuke the world. The good news is, just as you're not entitled to have a relationship with her, she's not entitled to you continuing a friendship with her, so if you voluntarily decide to stay in the friend zone in this case, it's YOUR OWN fault. But in that case, were you two REALLY friends to begin with? Or did you just want to get into her pants, you creep?

If you truly are a loser, maybe go get a hobby and a job you don't hate, actually practice hygiene, and move out of your mom's basement. The right girl will eventually come along, just not this girl. And don't just assume she's one of those proposed "Cat.4" girls. Or maybe she does find you attractive, but can't stand your immature or dickish behaviors that you need to grow out of, in that case it would actually be a Cat.3. And don't feel entitled to dating every "pretty" girl you meet, either.

If you are a psychopath, rapist, or serial killer, you'll fortunately be free of the Cat.1 friend zone -- but instead be served the "Blocked zone" or the "I'm calling HR/the cops" zone.

Unless of course it is really a Cat.2, which follows below.

Friend Zone Category 2

(NATO NSN 9646-21-C43-2982)

Category 2 means the state of being "friends" is mainly attributed to environmental factors, leading to improbable circumstances for a relationship to exist. Examples include distance, where the man lives in another municipality then the woman, or career, such as one that required working in other regions or countries. This is not a dead-end zone! It is vital to stay alert to the tell-tale signal: the woman will say something to the effect of "I would like to be friends." Undoubtedly, a man hearing this phrase is surely in Cat.2. There is potential for chemistry, but it just isn't present due to the current circumstances. But something might happen if things were to change. Maybe. It depends if it was said in a Cat.2 way or a Cat.3 way, which is really easy to differentiate. It all has to do with the room temperature and the concentration of mineral salts in the water supply. Or if Ed Sheeran or Taylor Swift drops a new album and the Kansas City Chiefs win the Superbowl. Or if the pizza got delivered on time or early and isn't burnt. And if the pizza is vegan or meat lover's, all depending on how she's feeling. Or something. If you don't get it, I don't know what's wrong with you.

Friend Zone Category 3

(NATO NSN 3711-00-009-8816)

You know you wanna go down this path with me, don't ya?
You loooove me, right? As a friend?
So much that you'd give up sex, dating, and your own dignity to be with me forever?

Men must be very careful to know the significance of Category 3. If mistaken for Cat.1 or Cat.2, the results could be awkward or disastrous if the fail to identify the correct zone, thereby leading the man to blame the woman, wrongly, for being so difficult to understand. But if the man would only LISTEN, he would get it. It makes perfect sense. This "friend zone" is nearly exactly the same as Cat.2, except for the interpreted view on the status of the relationship as taken from the woman's perspective of the man's situation. There are unforeseen circumstances not attributed to environmental factors, but the personal situations of the individuals. There exists a willingness by both the man and woman to carry forward with a relationship. The main difficulty is that something is not allowing the woman or the man to move forward, at least in the eyes of the woman, and it isn't quite sure what or when things will work out, but for now, they are able to remain "friends."

Proposed Friend Zone Category 4

Hey, where are you going- I mean.. YEAHH! Go get 'em, tiger! Cool. I'd.. never date you anyways.. leave me all alone, I guess..

Hotly debated amongst scholars, mostly between opposing genders, this proposed category does not have a NATO stock number as of yet and will be voted on in the year 3025. Men state that Category 4 is what they fear when they hear the word "friend" paired with the word "zone". Women keep TRYING to tell them "no, there is no Cat.4 under the bed, go back to sleep."

According to this proposal, Category 4 starts off seemingly like a Cat.1, and the man accepts the woman's rejection of his romantic pursuit while agreeing to stay friends. The man moves on and stops pursuing her in favor of other women, but now the woman starts to miss that attention from him and begins to flirt and tease him, jealous that he has moved on. When his interest in the first woman sparks up again, she pretends that her flirting never happened and gives the "We're just friends, I've TOLD you you're like a brother to me, stop imagining things" talk with him again.

The cycle repeats several times, and the girl relishes every minute of being able to fuck with his mind, but never his body. She may even be doing this to several men at a time just to get a kick out of it. If the man is a simp, he will stay in her clutches, FOREVER. However, if the man is not a simp, he gradually catches on, recognizes the woman's bullshit for what it truly is, and in extreme cases, stops being friends with the woman altogether. In rare occasions, the woman may start developing feelings for the man when he starts working out, dresses nicer or gets a six-figure job and stops paying attention to her. The Cat.4 girl has now found herself in a Cat.1 scenario. A true Uno Reverse Card.

A sizeable number of female scholars, mostly of college-aged women, have argued staunchy against this proposal, with their consensus stating that "it's too specific, men shouldn't need it to be so specific, what are they, stupid?" and "no decent woman would ever do that to a man, it's only men who always oppose women. #girlsruleboysdrool" and some have even said "nooo don't give away our secrets!" and as a good, well-mannered lady myself, I agree, what a stupid proposal. Hell, I would never do that! Wait... where are you going? Hey! I'm sorry for leading you on.. I'm sorry! Really! I'm just insecure and am working on some things! I love y- .. uh, United Airlines, as a friend! Oh, ahh, what am I saying..

ANYWAYS! heh heh if a girl like that exists, she's a walking major red flag and is not worth being friends with, let alone pursuing unless she figures herself out. As you boys just LIKE to say, she "belongs to the streets". Also, guys can do that to girls who like them too, so men are not fully innocent either.

Conclusion

There are many false assumptions about relationships. Yet a man who understands the exact nature of life in the "friend zone" need not be anxious nor restless. He will recognize the signs and be able to act accordingly. And if it seems confusing to him, he just wasn't listening when he was supposed to be. Because I obviously made it perfectly clear. He just never listens. But seriously, he should get a life, deal with his low self esteem, and focus on other things. Once he stops whining about being put in the friendzone, women would want to date him, even ones who are "just friends" at first. He doesn't even have to look like Ryan Gosling or Ryan Reynolds, either.

Here's a paradox to make those men even more confused: you can't spell "girlfriend" (or "boyfriend", if that's what he's into) without "friend" though. So maybe he'll forever stay stuck in the friend zone thinking there's a chance.

See also

• Dumped
• HowTo:Get Over Jenny
• The Twilight Zone

External links

• You love me? Well I got a SONG just for YOU!
• The typical "Category 4" girl