“Quackaroonie, Unca Scrooge!”
“What the fuck does that mean, anyway?”
“Burst me bagpipes!”
“Worst cartoon ever!”
“Grrr! I curse Swedish Fish on you!”
“Fucking Jew ducks!”
DuckTales was a cartoon series shown on TV from 1811-1975, ending the same year that the creator, Eli Wiesel, died of being repetedly punched in the kidney by Walt Whitman. It received generally good reviews, except by Roger Ebert who claimed that it had "too much poultry, and not enough sex scenes."
Eli Wiesel claims he came up with the idea after watching two squirrels fornicating on his roof. He said, "Those squirrels spoke to me. As they were fornicating, they said to me in broken Armenian, 'Make a cartoon about anthropomorphic ducks', so I followed their orders and got straight to work."
- Scrooge McDuck - The Jewish protagonist of the show. He dresses like a bastard on the town, and speaks in a French Canadian accent. He enjoys swimming in gold and groping the innocent. He's famous for owning the LAPD, North Dakota, and Howard Stern's left nipple. His flatulance has been classified as an S-Class Weapon of Mass Destruction.
- Huey - One of Scrooge's nephews. He enjoys raping women and and beating up women. He is highly regarded as the token misogynist of the show. The only two emotions he feels are anger, and rape. Has a rather odd ice cream fetish.
- Dewey - Another of Scrooge's nephews. He's a sad crying drunk always with a bottle of wine. He eats pork, even though it's obviously unkosher. He sits in corners and reads instruction manuals on how to make pipe bombs out of kleenex boxes.
- Louie - The last of Scrooge's nephews. He goes apeshit over bubbles and is learning how to dispose of garbage for a living. He is the show's token "special" character. People don't fuck with him, because he'll fuck back...literally. He's often kept locked in a cage above the kitchen in the Scrooge abode.
- Webby - Scrooge's slut of a niece. She's often philandering around town selling her body for such trivial items like perfume and used t-shirts. She enjoys ennemas and piña coladas. She wears a pink bow on her head, which has gotten much scrutiny over it's possible sexual overtones. She was eventually killed when Dewey and Louie tried out the Fusion Technique, but has made several reappearances as a zombie. She mostly fucks necrophiliacs nowadays. She is the current owner of the disembodied head of Michael Jackson.
- Gyro Gearfucker - A nerdy fag that lives near Scrooge's Mighty Synagogue O' Death, Rape, and Murder-Rape. He is a designer of various mechanical dildos, often taking the liberty to test them out on both himself and various innocent civilians. Also makes giant 50-foot mechanical celebrities in his spare time.
- Launchpad McQuack - The local town retard of Duckberg, who constantly follows Scrooge around, convinced that he is part of Scrooge's team. He is valued by Scrooge as a flesh shield in his many adventures. His horrific flying skills were single-handedly the cause of 9/11, yet due to his good friendship with his intellectual equal, George W. Bush, all of the blame was placed on Osama Bin Ladin.
- Magica De Spell - She only appears in the show to please the furries. Screw this.
- Vegeta - A powerful Saiyan warrior from planet Krypton, he once tried to take Scrooge's lucky dime for his master, Julia Roberts, but was eventually defeated by Scrooge and his nephews. Nowadays, he often comes to Scrooge's place to hide out from his Bat Fuck Insane bitch of a wife, Bulma.
- Peter Griffin - He just appeared without permission.
- Stan Smith - See Peter Griffin. He does the same.
- Daffy Duck - A duck dangered for all ducks. Duck this. What the duck?
- Count Duckula - Motherducker!
- Darkwing Duck - Shut the duck up about the ducking characters motherducker!
- Ataru Moroboshi - He just shows up to molest Webby.
The DuckTales show has been rumored to be a Jewish/Zionist propaganda machine with the purpose of perpetuating the Jews as the world's superior race. A 5-hour documentary by Michael Moore was filmed in 1988 supporting this claim. In one scene of the documentary, Moore interviews Gary Coleman who states, "In every episode, it shows the Jewish protagonists stealing from, or defeating, other races. This show portrays Jews as an ass-kicking, rich, sexy race of people that are a force to be reckoned with." The corpse of Eli Wiesel denies the claim blaming "Holocaust" and "Apartheid" for these "raucous" claims.
The DuckTales theme song is one of the most addictive substances known to man, duck, or beagle boy. After 4 notes from this song you will be hooked into reciting the unholy mantra. As such it has been banned from every YMCA in North Dakota and 64% of them in South Dakota. When played backwards it has been reported as sounding like a bunch of gibberish, evil gibberish. Scientist have stated we shall develop actual "Duck Blur" technology within 10 years others have given a time line of a decade.
Scrooge is a burglar who steals money, and Jeff Pescetto can't sing. Every time he sings the Duck Tales theme song, he farts and burps, and then he vomits. Scrooge's nephews, Huey, Dewey, and Louie, are stupid. They praise Scrooge for his burglary and being greedy.
Ever properly motivated by greed, Disney has recently released a reboot. Starring
horrible flash animation the voice talents of many a comedian, this new series fixes the more problematic aspects of the original series like not enough late capitalist teachings and female CEOs.