Yukon Territory

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
This article is too friggin' cold! Pay the bill!

"Just two miles from Santa Magical Workshop."

The frozen wilderness that is the Yukon.

Canada's version of Siberia, the Yukon is located in northern Canada, bordering the Canadian territory the Northworst Territories, the Canadian province British Columbia, and the American state Alaska.

It is not to be confused with Scarberia, a suburb of Trona.

It was discovered in 1979 by the British pop-band the Beatles with the help of their robot sidekick, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Recently Canadian dogs have made attempts to limit the amount of political prisoners sent to the Yukon, but the government has paid no attention to them. Who the Hell listens to dogs? Yukon became famous (relatively) during the Yukon Golden Grahams Rush in the 1890s. Other noteworthy Yukon related crap: Yukon Cornelius (Former Canadian Prime Minister and host of Soul Train), and the fact that the popular (again relatively) Canadian television program(me) "Yukon Do That on Television" which starred a young Alanis Morissette was filmed there.

You know you're a Yukoner when:

  • You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.
  • Many of your friends have elaborate saunas, but no running water.
  • You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
  • Your tires are only round in summertime.
  • You have two windshield scrapers; a long one for the outside and a short one for the inside.
  • You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
  • You thought "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary.
  • The hardware store on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
  • Every street person you see in Vancouver looks like a neighbor.
  • You live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
  • You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
  • Driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow.
  • The first thing you ask when buying a new car is if the warranty covers the CV boots.
  • You think your dinner host is incredibly inconsiderate if his outhouse does not have a styrofoam seat, or if the outhouse stalagmite is within six inches of reaching the inner sanctum.
  • You think everyone from the city has an accent.
  • Fifty percent of the S's you hear are pronounced "sh".
  • You think sexy lingerie is pink Polarguard socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
  • You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
  • The local paper covers national and international headlines on a page, but requires 6 pages for sports.
  • At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
  • When hiking, you can't decide whether to load your shotgun with slugs to protect from bears or #7 shot to repel mosquitos.
  • Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
  • A single visit to any bar guarantees that you will die of lung cancer.
  • You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.
  • You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck so often.
  • You have to have help to maneuver your Mickey Mouse boots into the back of a Cessna 180.
  • You send Christmas gifts of your precious premium moose jerky to your uncle in Toronto, and he gives it to his dog, who rolls in it.
  • You know which kinds of leaves make good toilet paper.
  • The mayor greets you on the street by your first name.
  • The only flower you can grow outside a greenhouse is fireweed.
  • There is only one shopping mall in town.
  • The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
  • While canoeing on the Yukon River you automatically say "Guten Tag" to all passing canoeists.
  • You buy an umbrella while visiting Vancouver and have to read the instruction manual.
  • You can't carry passengers in your back seat because it is full of survival gear tangled in a 100 foot extension cord.
  • You find -60 degrees a mite chilly.
  • You visit a beach at a Mexican resort and go into sexual shock.
  • For half the winter, your snowshoes glide as well as your skis.
  • When someone says "The Nations' Capital" you instinctively picture Second and Ogilvie (site of the liquor store)
  • You can drive from Whitehorse to Faro with a litre of ice cream in the back seat,and it is harder when you arrive than when you left.
  • You attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewels and your Sorel felt pacs.
  • You can play road hockey on skates.
  • Your hands fit perfectly around the handles of five-gallon jerry cans and your shoulders are badly sloped.
  • Your boots smell like gasoline.
  • You can tell the difference between a chipmunk and a squirrel at 300 yards.
  • Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
  • You know the 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction.
  • All of your heavy extension cords are scarred up from being dragged by a car.
  • You freak out whenever you see prices for food in Vancouver grocery stores because everything is so cheap.
  • You were once knocked down and run over by a dog team on main street.
  • The drug store doesn't sell a single lady's razor between September and June.
  • Your freezer breaks down but nothing thaws.
  • You've never been to a concert.
  • You visit a friend in Vancouver dressed in your best and he says he keeps smelling wood smoke.
  • ou have over 100 channels on your TV.
  • You have to wait until 2 AM to light your fireworks because that's the dimmest part of the day on July 1.
  • You drive to and from work in the dark.
  • You have burned up at least one car trying to warm it up with a tiger torch.
  • You suspect that many men are carrying a full day's worth of frozen survival rations in their beards.
  • You could care less about Clinton's impeachment trial.
  • You put extra chlorine in your drinking water when you see what's melting out of the spring snow.
  • You actually understand these scenarios, and forward them to all your northern friends.

See also[edit | edit source]