Scarlett Johansson

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She is so thoughtful, so focused. I wish I knew what she is really thinking? ("Do cows have fins, like fish, or can they swim backwards? What does roller derby mean? Can water freeze, or was someone pulling my leg?")

“I've never been to the Middle East.”

~ Scarlett Johansson on Mexico, or Indiana

“I like their sushi.”

“That small country did a great favor to the world, giving us precedent Obama.”

~ Scarlett Johansson on North Korea

“Do people in Germany have ears?”

~ Scarlett Johansson on German citizenry

“None of your business if I slept with Deadpool or Green Lantern. He was the same person who fucked me hard as Black Widow.”

~ Scarlett Johansson on being screwed by an assassin & a superhero.

Scarlett Johansson (born November 22, 1984) is a Bollywood actress, the girl next door, and a gayfish. She is the co-founder of the Stupid People Society (SPC).

Early history[edit]

Scarlett Johansson is the daughter of two Danish people(most probably Peter Schmeichel and Knud Rasmussen), but was soon awarded American citizenship due to being ignorant of the political map of the world. At the age of 20, she was asked by Danish President H.C. Andersen whether Kiwi was a continent, which she failed to answer, although she knew it was. That made her fellow Danes export her to the US locked in a box full of lettuce. There she worked at a McDonald's restaurant as a giant chicken, and later, as a giant taxi driver. This bred little success, however, as she was dishonorably discharged from the Taxi Corps when her superiors found out she often drove clients as far away as Mexico due to her poor geographical knowledge, where they often fell victim to drug traffic. Later on, she began auditioning for theatrical roles and met director Woody Allen in a New York cafe, thus starting a successful acting career.

Rise to stardom[edit]

Johansson decided to pursue a career in movies due to her unnatural obsession with Ewan McGregor. As a gerantophile (a person who is sexually attracted to older people), she quickly fell in love with ancient jedi master McGregor. After co-starring in both Match Point and The Island, however, their romance proved to be short-lived, as Johansson learned her partner was of Scottish origin, or as she said: "Those communist b-stards!"

Political views[edit]

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Scarlett Johansson.

Johansson took part in numerous campaigns, promising her fans she would star in a Star Wars film if Bush was not re-elected. After failing to reach her goal, she demonstrated her disapproval of voting systems, claiming "There should be some way the majority of people could elect who became president. Like writing the name on a sheet of paper. It would be awesome."

Stupid People Society[edit]

In 2004, Johansson helped found the Stupid People Society along with Tom Cruise, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Tiger Woods and Amy Whinehouse. Their first big project was launching the iPad in North Korea. Unfortunately the attempt failed as North Koreans have no concept of pads..