The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit
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 Mugshot of the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit, when he was in custody. | |
| Died |
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| Resting place |
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| Occupation | Cheese bandit |
| Years active | 1968-1970 |
| Organization | New Kentuckian Republic |
| Known for | Committing hilarious crimes |
| Criminal charge | Too many crimes to count, man |
| Criminal penalty | Life in prison without parole |
The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit was a notorious criminal that terrorized the city of Milwaukee between the years 1968 - 1970. He was thought to have robbed at least 50 dairy trucks, artisanal cheese shops and priceless antique butter churns. He was caught by police on January 17, 1970, and was sentenced to execution by firing squad. He later escaped prison and was shot and killed in a shoot-out with police on October 4, 1970.
First robberies[edit | edit source]
It's thought that the first robbery performed by him was at a local Walmart with a brown paper bag on his head. He ransacked the dairy aisle grabbing as many cheese wheels as he could fit down his trousers. Security was called and tried to stop the man, but he threw grated parmesan in their eyes instantly blinding them and severely injuring one. Witnesses reported that his trousers seemed to fit an infinite number of dairy products, as he cleared out the entire dairy aisle, but his trousers barely bulged (not to say there wasn't already a naturally large bulge around his crotch). The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit ran out of the Walmart, hopped in the driver seat of a 1969 Chevrolet Chevelle Malibu and hauled ass before armed Food and Drug Administration officials arrived.
He performed his second robbery on a truck tanker full of milk. It was leaving the farm, when a tree suddenly collapsed in front of the road, forcing the driver to swerve and smash into a nearby ravine. The driver, who was the owner of the farm, stated that the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit dragged the farmer out and started pissing on him while laughing hysterically. He noted that his piss had a yeasty yoghurty smell. He then tied the farmer up with approximately 1,000 zip-ties and dragged the truck and tanker from the ravine using his strong boney hands. The farmer was astonished, but then the astonishment turned into horror when the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit decided to lift the farmer and punt him over 100 yards away. The truck and tanker had washed away down-shore, though not a drop of milk was found in the tanker. The farmer was barely alive with almost all of the calcium in his bones seemingly depleted.
The third robbery came from a small, local cheese shop. The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit drove up in the 1969 Chevrolet Chevelle Malibu, started doing doughnuts in front of it, got out of the car and pepper sprayed the owner, who was a 79-year-old grandfather of seven, pillar of the community who looked adorable in cardigans. While the old man was on the ground in pain, the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit decided to run the old man over with his car, continuously running him over, and reversing back over him. He also did doughnuts and started to spin his tires on the old man's face. Eventually, the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit stopped his tomfoolery and opened the trunk of his car, and shoved the entire cheese stand into the back of his car, as well as the old man. The old man is still missing to this day and none of the dairy products were ever traced by the FDA.
First confrontation with the police[edit | edit source]
While robbing a local restaurant, the Cheese Bandit encountered a frige full of so many exotic cheeses that he didn't know which ones to steal. He tried them all one block at a time. Since he was considerate, he cut off a small piece and tried each one with a bit of a saltine cracker to clense his pallette. He was still doign this when the police arrived. They tried to take the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit into custody, but he instead convinced the police to try five different French and Italian cheeses with him and help him pick out his favourite. The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit told them he was extremely constipated due to cheese intake and had to take a collossal and painful dump in the bathroom. After an hour waiting the sheriff went into the bathroom to check for him, but he had torn the toilet up and dug his way under the restaurant. The sheriff was forced to pay a $500 towards all of the fine cheese they had eaten and $2,500 to remodel the bathroom.
The police contacted the FBI and told them he should be on the Top 10 Most Wanted for this heinous act. The FBI told the sheriff that the Green Bay mushroom thief was a higher priority.
On the same day the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit was robbing the same Walmart as before, clearing out the dairy aisle. The police showed up quickly and the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit threw pointy bread sticks at the coppers impaling a young rookie cop. He instantly died and left his wife and four cute children destitute. After clearing out the dairy aisle and running towards the parking lot, the cops stormed the entrance and started shooting at the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit. The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit quickly built a boulder of cheese in seconds and rolled it at the police. The sheriff was running away from the cheese boulder like he was Indiana Jones but was eventually crushed as on either side of him were baby products such as diapers and powder formula.
Escape[edit | edit source]
The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit got into his car and hauled ass out of there. The police pursued him throughout the city of Milwaukee. You would think all that cheese and dairy would weigh the car down, but no, his top speed was estimated to have been up to 287 mph. He ran over fifteen police officers and a couple of small children. He ploughed through seventeen roadblocks and smashed through a daycare. The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit slammed straight into a billboard, landing on Mick Jagger, and instantly killing him. Then the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit seemingly vanished out of thin air, after turning into a dead-end road. The officer in the police car behind him turned into the road to discover that his car was gone. What the fuck?!
Operation Dick Cheese[edit | edit source]
The FBI eventually agreed to put the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit on the Top 10 Most Wanted. The FBI started a manhunt to capture or kill the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit, codenamed Operation Dick Cheese. Any truck or place that carried dairy products had heavy security present. Guards had assault rifles. Some high-profile places even had snipers overlooking the area. Mike Tyson decided to take the role of a guard dog to numerous shops. Chuck Norris went undercover and stayed at several places that carried dairy products. Local police were on call 24/7 in case of another robbery.
FBI director J. Edgar Hoover stated that if anybody in America could capture or kill the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit, they would be awarded $500,000,000.
Kentucky governor Strings McPickens released a theory that the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit was with the New Kentuckian Republic and was therefore a slimy bastard. During this time, the President of the New Kentuckian Republic, Colonel Sanders, neither confirmed nor denied if the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit was with them.
Involvement in the New Kentuckian Republic[edit | edit source]
Evidence was found in favour of the fact that the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit was involved with the New Kentuckian Republic. The press and law enforcement reached out to Colonel Sanders and asked him what the real name of the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit was. Sanders confirmed that the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit was involved with the New Kentuckian Republic, and also stated that nobody knew what his real name was or where he was from.
The big question everyone wanted to know was if the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit was robbing these shops for personal use or the New Kentuckian Republic. The answer to that question is still unknown and highly debated today. Some theories state that he used dairy products to fully complete the hearty, hefty breakfast with Jimmy Dean. Some evidence even suggests that the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit stole dairy products for Jimmy Hoffa.
Colonel Sanders himself states that the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit could've even had his own miniature crime family, or could've even been involved with Jimmy Mozzarella or Jimmy Parmesan. Mozzarella himself hints at that possibility, stating that somebody in his crime family really brings in the "cheese".
One theory states that Kraft hired the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit to perform these robberies to get attention from the government, who would in turn provide financial support to the dairy industry. What a dumb fucking theory.
Letter to the FBI[edit | edit source]
A letter from the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit was confirmed to be real, which taunted the FBI for not being able to catch him. The letter read;
Dear J. Edgar Hoover,
You are not very smart.
Sincerely,
Milwaukee Cheese Bandit
The letter severely upset J. Edgar Hoover, as he reportedly locked himself in his office for 45 minutes, crying and yelling. Other people could hear him slamming his head against the wall and desk. The loud slamming sound lasted for 15 minutes until all the noise stopped. A janitor unlocked his office and entered with a group of people, to see the wall had a J. Edgar Hoover-head-sized hole in it, and the desk was bent in with blood everywhere. Underneath the desk was Hoover, unconscious from repeated head trauma. Doctors rushed into his office and tried to wake him back up, with no success. Hoover was rushed to the hospital and didn't wake up until someone nearby mentioned homosexuality. Hoover sprung up and begged to know more about the topic being discussed. After being told nobody in the room was discussing gay activities, and that it was a simple joke, Hoover collapsed back into a coma.
World's Biggest Cheese Wheel heist[edit | edit source]
Not much is known about the actual robbery itself, as it took place within 40 seconds and most of the witnesses were killed.
On December 31, 1968, the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit stole the World's Biggest Cheese Wheel, which was in a random building in Milwaukee. It was 20 feet tall and weighed 4,553 pounds. In the late hours of New Year's Eve, the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit rammed a monster truck through the side of the building in which the cheese wheel was held. Security guards tried to subdue him but were promptly folded like an omelette before they scrambled like eggs.
The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit lifted the cheese wheel with his bare hands and put it in the back of the truck. The cheese wheel forced the monster truck to constantly perform a wheelie, which looked very badass.
After getting the hell out of dodge, the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit was being pursued by the police. He leaned out of the window and opened fire on the police using a rapid-fire rocket launcher. Police remained in pursuit for the next hour and a half before he turned a corner and suddenly vanished. How the hell does he keep doing this?!
Aftermath and hiatus[edit | edit source]
The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit wrote another letter to the FBI, saying that he will be taking a hiatus from stealing cheese for an undetermined amount of time until he decides what to do with the giant cheese wheel.
The letter was sent to the FBI on January 2, 1969. The hiatus lasted until May 18, 1969. In another letter to the FBI, the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit stated that during his hiatus he had completed his mission with the cheese wheel. What the mission and what he did with the cheese wheel is unknown, but confirmed chunks of the cheese wheel have been found throughout North America. These places include Oregon, Nevada, Louisiana, and Alabama.
Longest robbery streak[edit | edit source]
From May 18, 1969, to September 28, 1969, the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit committed a string of robberies every day until the 28th, with an estimated number of places robbed being in the 10,000s. The first robbery after the hiatus was the same Walmart he had robbed numerous times before. During this time, Mike Tyson had been placed on guard dog duty at the store. Tyson spotted the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit speeding into the entrance. He ran him over and attempted to beat the shit out of him, but was quickly pacified because the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit gave Tyson a bag of ears, which Tyson smiled and giggled over while nibbling on them at a nearby dumpster.
The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit ran in and started booking it for the dairy section, clearing it out and taking any dairy products out of people's shopping carts. The FBI had people still stationed at the Walmart and quickly tried to subdue him, which failed. But, they kept him under siege for a few hours, leaving him stuck in the store, which was a bloody battle.
Walmart massacre[edit | edit source]
After the killing of the two FBI agents, the National Guard and FBI surrounded the Walmart and put the city of Milwaukee into lockdown.
A special group of agents comprised of five people, called "The B Team" stormed the building in an attempt to capture the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit. They found him in the break lounge loading weapons with ammunition and preparing his weapons. The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit was taken by surprise. They quickly tried to take him to the ground but after a brief struggle they failed and one of the agents' left arm was missing in the scuffle. After the scuffle, it became a 1v4. The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit overwhelmed the agents as he ripped a pipe from within a wall and hit one of the agents over the head with it, instantly crushing his skull and liquifying his brain. He picked the other one up and choke-slammed him, then tipped a vending machine over on him, instantly decapitating him. He looked like a watermelon after Gallagher got hold of it! Holy shit!
He then picked up one of the other agents, swung him around, and threw him into his squad mate. He picked one of them up and slammed him down on his knee, breaking their spine. The one that had his arm ripped off was laying on the ground in pain when the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit walked up to him and force-fed him multiple pieces of cheese until he choked to death. The last surviving agent was flung through the ceiling and landed in the dumpster Mike Tyson was in. They found his body with his ears nibbled off and Tyson with an ear-stained grin.
After the B Team didn't come back in 20 minutes, the FBI decided that they fucking suck and they needed to send out special squads designated to kill the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit. They stormed into the building and were instantly greeted with fire from an 1800s Gatling gun. This wiped out half of the squads within 5 seconds.
The surviving squads immediately got the hell out of there, slowly starting to realize that they probably shouldn't fuck with this guy, and requested more squads be sent in from the back and front. 10 minutes later, squads were sent into the Walmart, but what their dumbasses didn't know is that the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit had modified the Gatling gun to fire explosive ammunition somehow. The squads that entered the front of the Walmart were immediately greeted by a gangbang of pyrotechnics. The squads that entered from the back of the Walmart snuck up on the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit and fired upon him, shooting him at least 3 times. But, quicker than they could blink or piss their pants in the horror that was about to happen, he seemingly spawned a flamethrower and started throwing flames at the squads, instantly burning them. Their screams echoed the Walmart as the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit laughed hysterically. He walked over to them and started pissing on them to put out the fire.
Seeing a break in the gunfire, the squads that were supposed to enter from the front rushed in and managed to tackle the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit, placing him in handcuffs. They stood him up and he immediately bolted toward the dairy section. He took a corner going into the dairy aisle. The agents chasing him heard a loud "bang" and they turned the corner to see a human-shaped hole in the wall. The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit had escaped, so the agents decided to investigate the Walmart before leaving. After about 10 minutes of investigating, the agents heard a helicopter overhead. Thinking it was just the National Guard looking for the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit, they continued investigating, only to be met with sudden gunfire. The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit had modified an attack helicopter to fire extremely sharp cheese bullets and rockets. The Walmart was almost completely demolished, except for the dairy aisle. The assault lasted for about a minute before he flew off, but not before being tailed by some helicopters. The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit started flying away into some hills with a thick forest. At one point, there was a huge hill that required the helicopters to go up and then go back down. The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit flew up, over the hill and descended towards the ground. The following helicopters did that too, only to discover he had vanished again. What the fuck?!
Chuck E. Cheese[edit | edit source]
On September 14, 1969, the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit robbed a Chuck E. Cheese and took the mascot as a hostage until he ransoms "all the cheddar." The staff misinterpreted this as slang for cash, and instead gave him around $10,000. He shot them all and then took both the money and the cheese. That bandit was a bit of a dick sometimes.
Assault on the FBI[edit | edit source]
The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit walked into the FIB headquarters. He went into the staff kitchen and pulled out a package of someone's cheese strings. Incredulously the agents watched as he slowly pulled apart little strings and saved up a few dozens of them and then ate them. He ate a few strings, farted, then peeled off a few more string and ate the rest. He then said thanks and walked out. Little did everyone know that he had left a massive pile of dynamite underneath the building, which he detonated instantly destroying the building and made it look like something out of a doomsday movie.
Underground Cheese Tunnels[edit | edit source]
On Christmas Day 1969, the FBI found a series of giant tunnels dug underground beneath the Mexico-American border. While it was financed by cocaine drug cartels to help supply rich New York Bankers with their white powder stimulant, the Cheese Bandit used it to smuggle in Cheese which was prohibited in America. This included a cheese made with 50% habanero peppers which would literally melt your tomgue off if you ate it. He also dug a hole under the Canadian border so that he could smuggle cheese curds out of Canada into America. Why he did this is not known as cheese curds are not illegal in America and are in fact easily available in most states.
A Bigfoot was reportedly spotted in the tunnels, packing away a cheese wheel. Whether Bigfoot was working for the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit or stealing from him, is unknown, though with his fur he would be able to work all winter long without getting cold and with his strong upper body could likely carry cheese wheels the size of a kiddie swimming pool.
Arrest of the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit[edit | edit source]
On January 17, 1970, the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit was spotted walking down the Underground Cheese Tunnels by FBI agents. They snuck up on him and hit him over the head with a shovel, knocking him out and finally arresting him. He was carried out of the tunnel at an exit in New Jersey and was taken to a courtroom. They had finally caught him.
Life without parole[edit | edit source]
The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit was sentenced to life in prison without parole. He was sent to Alcatraz and started serving his sentence. During his time in prison, he would often steal cheese from inmates' trays at lunchtime and beat the cooks up if they didn't give him any cheese. He killed fellow inmate O.J. Simpson during a brawl that started when O.J. didn't give the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit his cheese. So, he picked O.J. up by his head and crushed his head using his hands. After several months of imprisonment, the Milwaukee Cheese Bandit got bored and decided to escape prison.
Death[edit | edit source]
The bandit died in prison after picking a fight with the wrong person. He thought that one of the gay prisoners would be an easy target but he turned out to be an ex-marine and former boxer. The bandit stole the other guys cheese and so the gay prisoner first stood up, adjusted his shirt so that it looked fabulous, and then stabbed the bandit with a shank carved out of laundry detergent bottle plastic. The bandit lost blood fast and started scarfing down all the cheese he could see.Before he collapsed he crawled into the prison kitchen, opened the diary fridge, and took a slice of cheese and put it in his pocket. He then collapsed and died.
Aftermath[edit | edit source]
The coroner concluded he didn't actually die of blood loss but choked on cheese by eating it too fast. The funeral was attended by America's biggest crime families including Tony Soprano who had forgiven the cheese bandit for stealing a gold plated wheel of Sardinian maggot cheese he'd been saving. It started to rain so the funeral ended early. Ironically no cheese was served at the wake. THe cheese bandit would not have been amused, but then, he was dead, so it didn't really matter.
Legacy[edit | edit source]
The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit was posthumously awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom and was forever remembered as a legend in North America.
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