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Jimmy Mozzarella

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  • Jimmy Mozzarella
Jimmy Mozzarella's mugshot, when he was on the FBI's Most Wanted List.
  • April 20, 1969
OccupationMan with underworld connections
Years active1969 – present
Known forWinning life
Notable workBeing the man

“I’m scared of this motherfucker.”

~ Satan on Jimmy Mozzarella

“His mozzarella stick is very impressive.”

~ your mom on Jimmy Mozzarella

“I want him.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Jimmy Mozzarella

Jimmy Mozzarella is a hitman, astronaut, mobster, NBA, MLB player, boxer, doctor, drug dealer, racer, moonshiner, Vietnam veteran, and dictator, amongst many other things except a coward. He is a damn fine man. Jimmy Mozzarella is the definition of a man. He has brute strength, an IQ of 396, outstanding speed, god-like reaction time, and boy, oh boy, does he have some fine women! Heh, nobody in the world past or present has come close to the greatness of Jimmy Mozzarella. Jimmy has three other brothers, Jimmy Blackman, Jimmy Whiteman, and Jimmy Parmesan.

Early life

Jimmy Mozzarella birthed himself out of a can of beans on April 20, 1969. He learned to walk when he was 3 days old. A quite mischievous toddler, he frequently stole candy and toys from the other toddlers. After a failed robbery attempt on another toddler, which later grew up to be George Washington, he was arrested by police, but shortly escaped after killing the two officers, thus becoming the youngest person to be on the FBI's Most Wanted list. While on the run from the police and FBI, Jimmy Mozzarella decided to go into hiding, going under the alias "Jimmy Cheddar". During this time he extorted many strip club owners. On his third birthday he decided to bribe the FBI and local police 20 dollars each, which they accepted and let Jimmy Mozzarella go. He decided to take a break from his criminal ways, and thus created Old Spice, which quickly became very successful, earning him an estimated $12,044,948 dollars an hour. By the time he was six years old, he was the worlds richest person, with an estimated net worth of $194,456,257,114,564,235,009 dollars. He also created Mountain Dew and Coca Cola.

Mozzarella crime family

When Jimmy Mozzarella was 13 years old, he eventually pursued criminal activities again, forming the Mozzarella crime family, with an estimated 1,244 members on it's first week, due to Jimmy Mozzarella's excessive threatening and bribing of local wiseguys. On January 12, 1982, Jimmy Mozzarella discovered one of his soldiers, Dick "Rock Hard" Johnson, was wearing a wire and was an FBI informant. Upon learning this information, Jimmy Mozzarella shot him a total of 34,134 times in the chest and head, disposing his body in the Pacific Ocean. A few weeks after this event, Jimmy Mozzarella met future caporegime of the family, John Cena at a bar, after talking about women and cars, Jimmy Mozzarella immediately made him a made man, although some secretly disliked this move, but couldn't say anything, because they are stupid and worthless and can't question Jimmy Mozzarella. During this time, Jimmy Mozzarella also created Minecraft. Jimmy Mozzarella's net worth grew exponentially due to all of his assets, at 15 years old his net worth was estimated to be $321,149,948,442,133,957,867 dollars.

Boxing career

At age 16, Jimmy Mozzarella decided to take up boxing, earning the nick name "Jimmy "Provolone" Mozzarella, with an outstanding record of 14432-0. He fought notable boxers such as Mike Tyson, Muhammed Ali, Joe Frazier, George Foreman, Gene Tunney, and many more. On May 27, 1985 in Gary, Indiana, he beat Mike Tyson in a fight dubbed, "HOLY SHIT". He won via knockout almost immediately by throwing a right hook at Tyson's jaw and instantly exploding his face. Tyson luckily survived and continued his career.

Two hours later, he fought all fighters listed above, except Mike Tyson, all at once. This fight was dubbed "HOLY FUCKING SHIT". He won via knockout within 2 seconds, as Jimmy Mozzarella unleashed a hellish combo of punches that ended all other fighters careers. Ali suffered a severe skull fracture, Frazier's brain was missing, Foreman's teeth were later found embedded in Jimmy Mozzarella's gloves, and Tunney's eyeball was found on the Moon. Jimmy Mozzarella of course, continued fighting, decimating his opponents and even killing some, as Jimmy Mozzarella had to restrain his own power. In a post fight interview, Jimmy Mozzarella recited the entire Declaration of Independence and urged viewers to join the Mozzarella crime family, which was, and still is, the most feared crime family. It's reported during this time, Jimmy Mozzarella attacked Jeff Bezos for no reason.

Mozzarella on Mars, pissing on a rock, which he later smashed a newborn's skull with.

Career as an astronaut

At age 18, Jimmy Mozzarella became an astronaut at NASA. It's reported that he did absolutely no astronaut training and was immediately given the job. On June 16, 1987, Jimmy Mozzarella became the first person on the Moon, saying "That's one small step for Jimmy Mozzarella, and one giant leap for Jimmy Mozzarella." Jimmy Mozzarella found Gene Tunney's eyeball on the Moon. He later placed 15 nuclear bombs and blew up the entire Moon. Once he returned to Earth he was immediately labeled as a hero and inspiration to everybody. He also punched Neil Armstrong in the face.

On September 12, 1987, Jimmy Mozzarella guided his space craft, carrying multiple people, into a black hole, killing them all. Jimmy Mozzarella later landed on Mars and colonized it himself, using it as another base of operations for the Mozzarella crime family. Jimmy Mozzarella became the first person to contact aliens, immediately screaming at them and declaring war on the alien species. We'll see how this goes 10,000 years from now. Jimmy Mozzarella, on December 17, 1987, captured the very first alien and tortured it, reportedly screaming at the alien "Have a taste of your own medicine!" Jimmy Mozzarella also became to first person to impregnate an alien. Once the alien child was birthed, it was named "Forklift". Jimmy Mozzarella trained the child to become a professional forklift driver, growing up to become the greatest forklift driver of all time.

NASCAR career

At age 19 he became a NASCAR driver, immediately winning the Daytona 500, becoming the fastest racer to complete Daytona, in 43 minutes, 19 seconds. After the win, he became teammates with Abraham Lincoln. Together they dominated NASCAR for years to come, winning 19372 races in one month. They also became really good friends, going out to strip clubs, bars, and sport events frequently.

The Big Crash and retirement

On December 4, 1988, Jimmy Mozzarella and Abraham Lincoln purposely crashed into fellow driver Winston Churchill immediately sending Churchill airborne and crashing into other drivers such as John Lennon and Bill Cosby. Some other drivers and their cars were essentially fireballs going around 200 MPH. Some cars went into the crowd. A giant pile-up was left after 36 seconds of barrel-rolling and tumbling by the other cars. All other 46 cars were left in a giant pile of debris and fire, while Jimmy Mozzarella and Abraham Lincoln escaped without a scratch.

The owner of NASCAR warned Jimmy Mozzarella and fined him $5,000,000 dollars. This proved to be a fatal mistake as Jimmy and Abraham ran over the owner multiple times, giving Jimmy the nickname "Psychotic Lunatic". After this incident, Jimmy Mozzarella decided to retire from NASCAR, although he did say that he would like to return someday, as right now he was focusing on the Mozzarella crime family and his other ambitions.

MLB career

At age 21, Jimmy Mozzarella and his friend Abraham Lincoln decided to pursue a career in baseball. Jimmy Mozzarella was drafted by the Pittsburgh Pirates, with Abraham Lincoln being drafted by the New York Yankees. Jimmy Mozzarella decided he wanted to become a pitcher as well as a shortstop, making him the first two-position player ever in the MLB. According to scouting reports, his four-seam fastball was registered at 132 mph, the fastest pitch of all time. He also threw every single known pitch to man, but his primary ones were his fastball, screwball, changeup and the knuckleball, which all were at least 90 mph.

MLB debut

Jimmy Mozzarella made his MLB debut against the Boston Red Sox. He was the starting pitcher and struck every batter out. Jimmy Mozzarella also had 83 home runs that game, already breaking the record for most home runs in a season and game. His first at bat ended up with a line drive to opposing pitcher, Ronald McDonald, and hit him right on the head, with a the ball having a reported exit velocity of 305 mph, killing McDonald instantly, although nobody cared.


Babe Ruth responded to the astonishing debut of Mozzarella, saying "I'm just glad he killed that sad clown, McDonald."

Bill Cosby said "I want his mozzarella stick inside of me."

World Series

Jimmy Mozzarella carried the Pirates to an undefeated record, which ended up with them going to the World Series. Unfortunately, tragedy struck when the team plane crashed into the Australian outback. Everyone was injured except Jimmy Mozzarella. He dragged the plane debris and his team one-by-one to PNC Park. They played against the Los Angeles Dodgers. Instead of the MLB cancelling the World Series, they let it continue, because Jimmy Mozzarella is a powerful man. In a bold move, the Pirates had Jimmy Mozzarella as the only player on the field, as everyone else was injured from the plane crash. This was a very smart idea, as Jimmy singlehandedly destroyed the Dodgers, with the score ending at 49287 to −33. No one knows how the Dodgers lost runs.

NBA career

At 22, Jimmy Mozzarella was drafted by the New York Knicks and played every position. His vertical was 98 inches and his speed was recorded as 34 mph, with excellent ball-handling and three point shooting. Actually, he was excellent at everything. It was a no-brainer to draft him.

NBA debut

Jimmy Mozzarella made his debut for the New York Knicks, which were playing against the Houston Rockets on December 6, 1991, finishing with a statline of 127 points, 98 rebounds, 98 assists, 103 blocks, 87 steals. He also dunked on LeBron James and God at the same time. Hell of a guy. He was also the only player from his team on the court, so no one knows why he got 98 assists, but we don't question the Jimmy Mozzarella. The New York Knicks were so impressed by Jimmy that they made him the new owner of the Knicks, although he immediately sold the team for $2 and a half eaten burrito, but not before renaming it to the "New York Sewer Rats".

Rookie season

In his rookie season, Jimmy averaged 121 ppg, 101 apg, 96 rpg, 106 bpg, and 89 spg. In just his second game, he's already been nominated for the Basketball Hall of Fame. Within 8 games he already broke every single record in basketball history. In the 47th game of the season, Mozzarella purposely injured Chicago Bulls guard Lonzo Ball by sticking his thumbs in his eyes and throwing him through the backboard.

Mozzarella leading clueless Vietnamese soldiers into a minefield. Chaos and hilarity ensue.

Vietnam War and moonshining

Jimmy Mozzarella traveled back in time with Abraham Lincoln to fight in the Vietnam War and made sure that the war went better for America. He skipped boot camp and immediately went to Vietnam, claiming the rank of Captain. He was the first to step foot in Vietnam since the U.S entered the war. He immediately screamed, "You communist sons of bitches want a piece of me?!" before running into the jungle with Abraham Lincoln where gunfire and explosions could be seen. This lasted for approximately 15 hours, with his fellow soldiers providing back up. The story goes that Jimmy unloaded an entire clip into a Vietcong soldier and killed the rest single handedly. Jimmy emerged from the thick jungle with blood and mud all over him. He ordered his men to "set up camp right here".

Mozzarella and his men, getting the hell out of dodge!

While resting, Jimmy rolled over and noticed a book called, "Moonshining for Dummies". He woke his entire unit up and taught them the ways of moonshining. The result turned out great, and Jimmy Mozzarella had found a new passion in life, illegal moonshining. Throughout the war, Jimmy Mozzarella would secretly douse the enemy camps and tunnels with moonshine, and then lighting it on fire with a match. This was a very effective strategy, as when the Vietcong were busy trying to put out the fire, Jimmy Mozzarella and his unit would rush the enemy, taking them by surprise.

Eventually, Jimmy promoted himself to the rank of General of the Armies. He was officially recognized as the General of everything and ended up serving two more tours in Vietnam, just because he could and wanted to.

The return home

Jimmy and Abraham time traveled back to where they left off. They decided to create a moonshining business, naming it "Mozzarella and Lincoln Moonshining Inc." It was very successful, with $104,445,632,842,157,772,199 dollars in revenue in the first day, although still not at profitable as Jimmy's other companies, Old Spice, Coca Cola, and Mountain Dew, which have been around for years with constant changes and updates. Jimmy Mozzarella and Abraham Lincoln became the world's richest men, although Jimmy was about 3485x more wealthy than Lincoln, because Jimmy Mozzarella is the man, baby!

One day, Jimmy had an idea. He decided to mix moonshine with Coca Cola, and it was a great idea. Everybody was buying Jimmy's new moonshine, which he named "Mooncola". This surge of customers also attracted a lot more women, even though Jimmy Mozzarella got laid all the time. This led to the "Great Baby Boom".

The Great Baby Boom

Due to Jimmy Mozzarella and his crazy sex parties in the Oval Office, the human population skyrocketed, with some estimates that Jimmy Mozzarella had fathered a shitload of babies. People gave up counting.

Waco siege

On February 28, 1993, Jimmy Mozzarella and Abraham Lincoln were at the Mount Carmel Center, about to take over the entire compound with their bare hands, just for the sole purpose of having their very own cult. But, what Jimmy and Abraham didn't know is that the ATF was about to arrive and act upon a search and arrest warrant on the cultists and David Koresh. While Jimmy and Abraham were inside the compound, talking to Koresh about his impending doom, were rudely interrupted when ATF agents, on megaphones, started screaming that everyone in there had a warrant for their arrest. Koresh immediately pissed himself and started crying like a little baby. Jimmy laughed and told them, "Come get some, you pig fucking son of a whore!" Jimmy then grabbed his own personal MG42 and started opening fire on the agents, immediately killing three of them. The agents ducked behind cover and called for backup and the National Guard. A few days later, on March 2nd, Jimmy and Abraham went into the basement of the compound and started making some Mooncola. They did this until Jimmy realized the agents would forever stay out there and wait, or they would just do a raid. So on April 19, Jimmy decided to throw Koresh to the police, stating "This is your guy right here! We are not the leaders! We are only here to put another still for our Mooncola! Oh, and also! We didn't place a bomb on his chest either!" Every single bit of that sentence was a lie. The agents were skeptical since Koresh had a clearly visible bomb shaped outline on his shirt, but they thought Jimmy would actually help the government.


Once Koresh got close to the agents and their vehicles, Jimmy performed what looked like a hand signal towards Abraham. After the signal, Koresh immediately blew up, killing the surrounding agents, while Jimmy and Abraham fired upon the surviving agents with MG42s. After a brief firefight, it became obvious that Jimmy and Abraham had won.

Siege aftermath

Jimmy and Abraham ultimately took control of the cult, renaming it from the "Branch Davidians", to "The A Team". Jimmy and Lincoln decided it would be best for the cult to lay low, ultimately deciding to move the headquarters to the White House. Jimmy ordered all of the cultists to start making Mooncola, effectively turning the cult into a forced labor camp, where all the cultists did was make Mooncola.

Assassination of Queen Elizabeth II

On September 8, 2022, Jimmy Mozzarella assassinated Queen Elizabeth by playing Gridiron football with her.

Mozzarella had just started a semi-pro football league, called the Mozzarella Football League. Mozzarella insisted the queen play football with them, as it would be fun. But, Mozzarella had purposely left out the extra safety gear, forcing her to play without protection.

In the 3rd quarter, with 4:32 minutes left until the end of the quarter, the Queen managed to catch a pass. After about 3 yards of her run, Mozzarella barreled towards her and trucked her to the ground, with a nasty crushing sound. Within seconds blood started squirting out of the top of her skull and onto the field. Mozzarella took his helmet off and smashed her face with it for good measure. Play continued because no one either noticed or cared she was on the ground, as it was until with 2 minutes left in the 4th quarter, the referee finally noticed her and stopped play immediately, calling the medics over, but it was far too late.

Aftermath of the assassination

The autopsy concluded that every bone from the shin up was completely broken and crushed, both of her lungs were collapsed and her heart had multiple bone fragments in it. Her skull was counted to be in 26 pieces, with her brain completely mushed to a goo that was almost unrecognizable. One of her ribs were found in her small intestine.

In recent years

Mozzarella received a phone call from the at the time president, George Bush, on September 10, 2001. Bush asked Jimmy, "Heads or tails?" Jimmy responded, "Tails." To this day it's unknown what that phone call was about.

Jimmy Mozzarella and Abraham Lincoln are still out there, still doing their thing, with them opening up another location for Mozzarella and Lincoln Moonshining Inc. in Edmonton, Kentucky, and an ice cream shop in New York City. Jimmy has also founded Jelly Belly and has since acquired the entire state of Georgia.

Cream of the Crap
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