Major League Baseball

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Major League Baseball or Mexicans Love Baseball (MLB) is a premier professional baseball league that is fixed. With teams in North America, the league has achieved more international recognition than bloodbath, football and hockey. The MLB's annual championship, the World Series, is one of the highest rated events in America.

Teams[edit | edit source]

The MLB used to have two leagues: the American League and the National League. However, due to waning popularity, the MLB can now afford only conferences. And the conferences are sponsored by politicians. Beautiful.

History[edit | edit source]

Establishment[edit | edit source]

Major League Baseball was founded in 1871 by Abner Doubleday. It resulted from a drunken wager that Doubleday could seduce the American population into watching adults play a leisurely children's game with a ball, bat and glove. Other countries, likely frightened by America's superiority, failed to field national teams for the MLB, thus explaining why the MLB has been almost exclusively American.

First World Series[edit | edit source]

In 1877 the first World Series was played between the Boston Scalpers and Atlanta Lynchers. (The teams went by harsher names back then.) The Scalpers took the first seven games of the 25-game series, but their ace pitcher, Carl "Righty" Stovepipe Jackson, broke his hand when it was stepped on by a crooked umpire with a large bet on the opposing team. Because only one pitcher was required on a team those days, there were no other pitchers for the Scalpers to turn to. So, they were forced to use their bat boy as a substitute. Atlanta went on to take the next thirteen games and the first World Series title. Afterward, they lynched five Native Americans in celebration, and the city of Atlanta held a ticker tape parade in their honor. However, the win was slightly tainted when it was discovered that the Lynchers' third baseman was a light-skinned mulatto. The commissioner of baseball at the time, Arthur Goodwill Spalding, was forced to ban him from the game and erase him from the official records of the season.

Second World Series[edit | edit source]

For the next seven years, the World Series was not played because the National (Socialist) League Champion New York Mutuals refused to play any team they thought they might not be able to beat readily. Finally, in 1884, McGraw felt that his Mutuals could easily take on the Philadelphia Phuckers, so the second World Series was played. The Series was reduced to a best-of-13 this time. This series also saw the one-time appearance of the ground rule cow; if a ball rolled under one of the many grazing livestock in the outfield, the batter could safely proceed to third, while the umpire stitched a new ball to put into play.

The Mutuals' ace pitcher, the inimitable Dave Matthews, would later form a band after he was kicked out of the league for pitching at teammates' heads when making check-throws to unmanned bases. Anyway, the Mutuals won the first two games at home in the livestock pen they called the Polo Grounds. Then the series moved to Philadelphia, where the Phuckers rallied behind their one-eyed pimp, Walter Johnson, who had lost three toes in a thresher and somehow learned to pitch a baseball with that foot. This unorthodox style, as much as the pitches he actually threw, baffled every player on the Mutuals. After five games in Philly, all of which Johnson started, the Mutuals were in bad shape. In those games, they scored a total of only two runs, and fifteen of their batters sustained serious injuries. The Mutuals were desperate, so they brought in Chuck Norris as a ringer first basemen to sucker-punch base runners in the back of the neck, but this was not enough to prevent Philadelphia from taking the series. McGraw, their manager, retired from the game a bitter and senile man.


Where's the World Series? Who cares?[edit | edit source]

In 1905 someone noticed that a World Series hadn't been played in a while, so the idea was put on the ballot. It narrowly lost in favor of having a knitting circle instead. Many of the players, however, lived in fear of the day the World Series would be introduced to baseball again.

Finally, enough people did care about having a championship for baseball, so the World Series was re-introduced to baseball in 1920. However, the series was reduced to a best of seven games in response to threats made from baseball players to the Commissioner.

Damn Yanks and Yorks[edit | edit source]

The New York Yankers went on to win the first 3000 World Series. The other teams became so furious during this incredible run, so they hired spies to kill the Yanks' top players: Lou Gehrig and Babe Ruth. Gehrig was given the self-named infamous disease, and Babe Ruth was given a mysterious African disease from which he would die at the age of 53. Finally, in the 1950s the Dodgers began taking some Championships from New York. However, because the Dodgers were also in New York, the rest of baseball was still angry that the city was hogging all the championships. In a secret league meeting it was decided that, rather than kill off the players, the Dodgers would spontaneously move to Los Angeles, where they would dry out in the sun.

Transition years[edit | edit source]

During the 1960s and 1970s, plenty more teams won the World Series, and New Yorkers began turning to other sports to follow while Yankee Stadium began to rot. The league expanded rapidly, and some teams relocated. And then there were the Milwaukee Beers and Houston Assholes, whose players were stolen from Japan and Korea, respectively.

In the 19$0s, the underling sports network ESPN picked up live baseball coverage for $100 billion.

Recent downfall[edit | edit source]

In 1990 Commissioner Bud "Budweiser" Selig was stupid enough to legalize the use of drugs. In 2005 overdoses of steroids and cocaine killed two-thirds of MLB players. With the death of so many players, the league turned to retired veterans Cal Ripken, Mike Piazza, and Elmo "3-Fingered" Brown to revamp the game, in addition to the signing of a mutant cyclops named Turanga Leela by the New New York Mets. It will be at least another decade before baseball returns to its prime, especially considering that president Barack Obama is not a huge fan of the sport and even introduced a bill making it illegal. Mister Selig also decriminalized the rule that whichever league drinks more beer gets the home field advantage in the World Series.

2010 and 2011[edit | edit source]

In 2010 Major League Baseball went bankrupt in the Great Recession (the news media's choice of words for the little depression we're having) and all the overpaid spoiled brats go find real jobs that pay less than a minimum wage. The San Francisco Leprechauns win the World Series.

In 2011 the Washington Sexpos actually are winning games (and have a new logo and new team name), but the St. Louis Marginals win yet another World Series that someone else was supposed to win. On some random day some Detroit pitcher threw a perfect game, except the umpire didn't want him to so he actually didn't.

The future[edit | edit source]

In 2012 the New York Yankees paid the commissioner to win their twenty-eighth World Series. In 2013 this was banned, but it was compensated for by eliminating the American League so it would be easier to be the champion. Goddammit, everything still sucks.

Notable players[edit | edit source]

  • Sal Fasano is arguably the best player in league history.
  • Osama bin Laden played five seasons for Tampa Bay (shortstop). MVP three times.
  • Oscar Wilde "played with" all 36 teams.
  • Cookie Monster was banned from the hall of fame for drug use.
  • Harry Potter is one of the best seekers in baseball.
  • Purple broke the color barrier.
  • Ur mom gave birth to the New York Yankees.
  • Michael Jackson was the only player to rape all people in attendance in a single game. Also holds the record for single-season rapes with 740,243,975 and career rapes with 967,047,462,526,947.
  • Chris Benoit led the league in 2003 with 259 hits [of his wife]. Beat that, Ichiro.
  • Barry Bonds holds the record for smallest male nut sack and biggest head.
  • Michael Jackson, former catcher for the New York Yankees, was kicked out of the league for intentionally grabbing the wrong balls. Sentenced to one year of community service in the Yankees day care center.
  • Bo Jackson knows jack shit, son.
  • Bo Diddy can't play, but white people can't jump either.
  • Shaq can't play ball and can't rap.
  • Bob Saget played for the Giants from 1987 to 1995 while starring on some piece of crap on ABC. Also, BOB SAGET!
  • Munenori Kawasaki is an absolute legend.

See also[edit | edit source]