"Weird Al" Yankovic
Alfred Matthew "Weird Al" Yankovic is an American novelty musician whose career is one of the greatest in human history, rivaling that of Bach, The Beatles, Mariah Carey before her meltdown, and the late future King of Dubai, Michael Jackson. All of his albums sold double platinum, counting only the records sold in the vicinity of the family hizzy-house in Lynwood, California (USA). He quickly made a name for himself due to witty lyrics, a fancy moustache, incredible beauty, and the help of his agents and Nazi Field Marshalls Gerd von Rundstedt and Erwin Rommel, while being white and nerdy never hurts.
Weird Al was born in Siberia from a hole in the snow. He later became famous after Nikita Khrushchev listened to "Let's Bomb Iraq" and promoted him to Entertainer In Chief of the KGB at the tender age of 8. Yankovic later moved to America, following an invitation by U.S. President Richard Nixon for tea, and a nice little record party. The Russians misinterpreted this act as treason, and Yankovic currently lives in exile as a wanted criminal of the Putin regime. If you have any information concerning Yankovic, please contact your local Russian consulate immediately. He is the son of King Alfred Yankovic VI.
He was nominated for Mr. Universe six years in a row, but never won the prize due to his inability to wear anything but swim-suits or oddly striped pants. "Without an evening gown, you simply can't win", his close friend Charlie Chapman said after the sixth time, and Weird Al then decided never to enter the contest again. To protest against this, his fans nominated a full-size cardboard replica of him, and - as they were able to dress it up in an evening gown - the cardboard dummy-Al won The 1999 Mr. Universe contest easily. Fans all over the world rejoiced at this mark of human achievement. However, the artist himself did not have time to watch the contest or receive the congratulating flowers, as he was busy running with scissors stuck in some lasagna while trying to eat it, because he was fat.
No song Weird Al has ever written has been blatantly copied by people calling themselves "pop stars." If you ask anyone on the street he'll tell you that this is because Weird Al is at the center of a top-level government conspiracy, which is a cover for Al ruling the world with his mind-controlling polkas, which is a cover for the ultra-top-top level super-secret government conspiracy against him. The super government claims that Al is a copycat, but Al retorts that the others are copycats, and it goes back and forth until somebody's momma has to be called in. This, my friends, is what Angry White Boy Polka is all about!
Much more controversy surrounded Weird Al after his fight to the death with Neo. After this death match Neo was said to have stated, "We were merely discussing last night's episode of 60 Minutes."
He's also rumored to have been born in 1959, when in fact he is 906 years old and not just over 50, having, in fact, been born in 1106.
In recent years, Weird Al has removed the mustache, sexy legs, and failing to be a prominent llama breeder, has devoted all his time to his wife Zelda and his two beautiful children, Nathaniel and Superfly. (He's very, very, very happy because Nat and Superfly are pimped out) While trying to be a good family man, Weird Al also has had several unsuccessful attempts at reaching Nirvana, hometown of the eligible Legendary Rocker Curt Cowbone. Failing this, he instead has settled for living in the Democratic Republic of Chiswick, England after watching too many Pirates of the Caribbean movies. To accomplish this task, Weird Al has been buying up treasure maps from pirates during the last five years, trying to find a way to get to the town. He came quite close to reaching it once, but was forced to turn back because he had a bad hair day. Actually, he dubs Milo Murphy, the boy with the worst bad luck and scoliosis. Al has decided to have the curviest back. He says:”Just like Milo, so his voice will be more realistic. And curves are loved by girls, baby.”
Just Eat It
Many people felt threatened by the incisive nature of such lyrics as "Just eat it," and felt the need to satire this great man, notably that Michael Jackson's "Beat It" was an obviously poor joke, with none of the grace or wisdom that Weird Al possessed. He was allegedly killed by a mob of angry cabbages (Michael Jackson fans) that had to be put down with boiling water, and since then, there has been a national day of mourning every December 25. It was also theorized that Al also could have either choked to death from swallowing a Nerf ball, or died from an infected paper cut while mailing a letter to his evil twin. Before that day, it was widely believed the only way to harm Weird Al was to force him to rip out his own heart, throw it on the floor, and stomp on it until he dies, "Rather than spending one more minute with you. YOU SUCK!!!"
Weird Al Sightings
There have been many alleged sightings of Weird Al (A.K.A. Tomás de Torquemada) in France. Some theories say that he decided to fake his own death after discovering he was a genius there. This is hotly debated among high school dropouts and Austrians. This causes a huge amount of friction between the two, normally very docile groups, which one group refers to the other as "lamerz" and the other simply shrugging and continuing on with their manual labor. It is believed by many that he faked his own death using the most believable method of the time; mobs of cabbages with something to prove.
The Trouble With Cabbages and No Boiling Water
Cabbages frequently feel inadequate because they feel superior in intellect to iceberg lettuce, which has a much better taste, originates from California, and yet gets more credit just because it's from California. It is also believed that Weird Al is secretly building an Army of cabbages to try and make another go at a takeover of the world, and that his most trusted circle of cabbages partook in his fake death. He chose cabbages for many reasons, including but not limited to the following:
- The fact that cabbages are susceptible to the Ludovico treatment. Even though they believe themselves to be superior to iceberg lettuce, they aren't.
- Aren't as tasty as iceberg lettuce and therefore he won't be as tempted to eat the army this time. (perhaps on a bull-ogg-nuh sandwich)
- Most importantly he believes cabbages to be more loyal to him than the Catholic Church was during his last attempted Genocide.
It has been suggested by P. Diddy and Russell Simmons that the mob of cabbages was actually hired by Coolio. Others, such as close friend Harvey the Wonder Hamster, believe Prince was responsible.
Weird Al is Better Than Emeril
Allegedly makes a mighty fine jelly bean and pickle sandwich. For what it's worth. Prefers singing about LA-las-agna to eating it. Especially if it has meat sauce since he is an ovo-lacto-beta-vegetarian.
Weird Al, Framer of the Articles of Universal Excuse
Al is also the ghostwriter of the first five amendments to the United States Constitution, originally named the Bill of Rights. These five amendments were later repealed due to defendants in murder trials misusing them as a loophole to receive their "unalienable right" to "party," which Living Document subscribers interpreted to mean free sweet corn and state-provided hookers, bling, guns, and Mariah Carey. After the removal of the Bill of Rights, which consisted simply of five separate oil-and-pencil drawings of the rear end of a famous politician from Yankovic's vacay resort of Guadalajara, Mexico, Congress drafted the ten amendments we now know as the Articles of Universal Excuse.
Contrary to popular opinion (which is whatever Oscar Wilde says it is in Meme-land), Weird Al has written music after Eat It. Although many think that Yankovic was so brokenhearted after Michael Jackson satirized this power ballad with his Beat It that he never wrote another song, this is simply not true. In fact, boys and girls, shortly before committing suicide yesterday when he realized that you don't love him anymore, and Coolio liked him all along, he gave this song to the impoverished hooligan masses for free download. It is a bitter rant against Dante and his dratted inferno, without which he would not have to listen to a noisy ice machine for all eternity. It is by far his best song, consisting mostly of said ice machine performing a 27-minute instrumental solo. Listen to it in his memory. Please.
Straight Into Compton
As it turns out, Keira Knightley, a great fan of his, brought him back from the dead recently. Coincidentally Kiera Nightly also brought Weird Al Yankovich back from the dead at exactly the same time. Anyway, now that he's alive, he's going to try to get himself killed again (he's still suicidal) by walking into Compton, California screaming, "White and nerdy!" at the residents. Since he be an O-G from the S-G, this would do the trick. You can see him do this on Robot Chicken on September 24th. A posthumous album called Straight Into Compton will be released a few days later. Buy it in his memory. Please. Also, don't download this song.
Yankovic v. Colorado
In 2006, Weird Al sued the state of Colorado on the grounds that it looked too similar to the state of Wyoming. The case was carried on up to the Supreme Court and was widely publicized, giving Weird Al large amounts of public attention through the media. Widely believed to be an elaborate publicity stunt, the case was not taken seriously by the Supreme Court. Weird Al's only arguments against Colorado were that "It looks too much like Wyoming". Colorado's attorneys retaliated this statement by stating that Colorado was, in fact, established as a state before Wyoming, and therefore, Weird Al should be suing the state of Wyoming instead. By a narrow vote of seven to two, the Supreme Court ruled in favor of Colorado, which in turn put a restraining order on Mr. Yankovic. Mr Yankovic retaliated by making all of his youtube videos private (see example at right).
Weird Al Qaeda
In 2000, Weird Al Yankovic, Dreaner, Stuttering John, Trey Parker, Matt Stone, and Monty Python put together a video sent to the U.S. government, claiming that on the first day of the Weird Al "Running With Scissors" Tour, doom would come to all Americans in the form of a song called "Mr. Popeil". The music terrorist group later denied that they had anything to do with this lame parody, but were later assassinated by Abraham Lincoln's forces and replaced with metrosexual robots. The robots went on to tour in "Spamalot", "Avenue Q", produced their not-hit album "Straight Outta Lynwood", and starred in the movie, "I ROBOT", a film discussing the personality of politicians in our community, and how it stole the title from some old vector game from the 80's.
The Gaga Saga Begins
In 2011, Yankovic released his new hit single "Perform This Way", inspired by empowering music for performers such as Eddie Vedder and Charles Nelson Reilly. Yankovic explained that "Perform This Way" was his personal truck driving song. Lady Gaga was originally denied permission to satirize the song with "Born This Way", so she released the song as a poorly made Youtube video, knowing that a satire of one of Yankovic's songs in any better quality without his express permission would lead to a nuclear holocaust. She also blamed him for all of her problems. Yankovic's manager, Jay Levey, admitted to denying her parody to force her to leave Albuquerque before a concert. When he actually heard the song, Yankovic himself gave Lady Gaga permission. Yankovic considered himself "a huge Lady Gaga fan". Though he enjoyed the satire, critics viewed it as a poor joke, even worse than "Beat It", and it was forgotten in three weeks by everyone but hardcore Lady Gaga fans.