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Scene from a typical condom commercial of the early 1980s.

The 1980s (also known as MulletMania) was a decade of long curly hair, aviator glasses, and The Smiths. American president JR was shot on a popular reality TV show, the abortion pill was released in France (saving the world from millions of French people, which caused pro-lifers to have mixed feelings), and the Cabbage Patch Kids taught children about the joy of illegal drugs.

Eightiesologists agree that the main features of the decade were the fall of the Berlin Wall and the Hanson brothers' birth. The decade also saw the tragic death of disco, punk, kite-sized lapels, and whatever was left of the free love movement (at least so we pretended). The period heralded a new era of video games, drugs, lasers, cheesy-yet-charming TV shows, music videos, drugs, the Cold War, the Bush dynasty, and the Goth subculture (appropriately born from the dead corpse of punk). All these things were not change, but rather, annoying human tendencies dressed in new spiffy Battlestar Galactica underoos.

The 1980s are sometimes considered to have begun when Mr. T pitied Chuck Norris at the exact moment Norris gave T a Roundhouse kick to the chest. However, a more widely-accepted theory states that the 1980s were initiated in an attempt to deal with the increasing amount of 1970s in the atmosphere. This made large areas of Earth uninhabitable due to the high concentration of funk.

Contrary to popular belief, '80s culture carried over into the 1990s — as late as 1994 in some areas, though this trend was mostly in rural areas and poor third-world countries that spent the '80s in the 1970s.

Criticism of the 1980s[edit | edit source]

The 1980s are considered by many to be a musical dark age. In 1982 the AIDS virus destroyed all sounds other than those made by early Casio keyboards. As a result, it was only possible to make any music at all if you wore silly clothes and were a bit "different".

"20th Century History For Dummies" reports that the 1980s were more depressing than the Great Depression, although still more interesting than WWII and Korean War combined. Even Ethan Woodward's parents killed themselves, though the matter was hushed up and made to look like a freak tractor accident. Never before have people been so scared silly of nuclear war, suicidally nihilistic from the utter crapfest from previous decades, brain-dead from video entertainment, and in love with being pissed off beyond all reason by stupid politicians.

At least 900 billion humans and aliens died of the 1980's, making it the most murderous decade in the history of living things, costing Adolf Hitler his title as "Most murderous thing ever". Predictably, you were too busy drinking and partying to do anything about it. Don't give me that "I'm sorry" shit, you are GUILTY!

Unfortunately, thanks to bad planning opponents of the 1980's had no real voice, as well as the fact people were too busy throwing parties and killing themselves to listen. Though their movement gained internet traction in the 1990's, it was clearly too late. How pathetic.

Unfortunatly during the 1980s the wearing of leather jackets became popular in many circles, leading to the deaths of thousands to millions of bovines dependign on who you asked. The corporations said only about 1,500 died wheras P.E.T.A. and Chick-Fil-A said that abaout 15,000,000 died. In response to this problem the Bovine Liberation Front was created and made the propaganda movei Bovine Standoff in Washington, a movie about the fictional revolutoon of 1986. In 1999 polls reported this was the worst movie of the century and the producers needed to be shot; they all died by 2001.

Crack[edit | edit source]

On the other hand, there was crack.

So the 1980s rocked. Seriously. Ask anyone who was there, and they'll wax lyrical about Pac-Man, or the A-Team, or Moonlighting or Cyndi "Bright Orange Hair" Lauper. They all rocked! The President of America was a zombie, the Prime Minister of Britain was a very unconvincing drag queen and the Pope was NOT the crappy one we have (R.I.P., 1st April 2005 see St. Peter's Basilica) now. There were lesbians during the 1980s, like Cagney & Lacey and Kate & Allie, but they were ugly. The James Bond movies were even worse than the ones from the 1970's despite the Casio keyboard stylings of A-Ha.

Other great things from the 1980s include Back to the Future II, Miami Vice, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, hair bands, Black Sabbath, White Zombie, the Rubix Cube, crack and lesbians. It is important here to note that lesbians were founded, not invented, and boy were they founded.

The 1980s saw the aftermath of the breakup of NATO, with the spread of Communism to Mexico and Durkuhdurkuhstan. The death of all mankind in a nuclear holocaust was only averted by a time-travelling Jack Bauer. Posing as big-breasted agent Tanya, Bauer kidnapped, fell in love with, and subsequently married the Soviet douchebag Yuri, only to lose him to an incomprehensible and retarded terrorist conspiracy some time during season six.

Also, did I mention that lesbians were founded in the eighties? Oh wait that was the 1960's

In 1991, the 1980s were banned by the Geneva Convention, the Garret Club, and the NYPD on the grounds that leg warmers were a fire hazard. Furthermore, over 90 percent of house fires reported throughout the decade were at least purported to be caused by overgrown mullets. Nonetheless the 1980s continued too be seen in many places until 1995 too too poor enforcement.

And lesbians were founded in the eighties.

The Great Nickel Riots of 1981[edit | edit source]

Though this event really happened in 1988, Scientist Cornwallis Santa Flipflodder II renamed it to fit in 1981. This led him to becoming well known as an ass. During the riots Bill Gates and Oscar Wilde went on a rampage through the small town of Baltimore, New Mexico. Using AK-47s and pixie magic, along with Antmusic, these two destroyed the rich and vast history of all that was in New Mexico. Many churros and small rats were destroyed this day. After the prosecution of these two, amount of damage done was revealed to be in the vicinity of $0.32 Canadian, and since Canadian dismissed.

The Rise Of Hair Products[edit | edit source]

The 1980's saw an explosion of hair products for both men and women. Seeking ever poofier hair, women routinely applied moose, gel, spray, silicon, Bondo (TM), and other related masonry products to their hair. In turn, males of the era sought to emulate birds by having their hair feathered. It was also law at the time that men should always retain a comb in their back pocket in the event they lose the feathered look. President Ronald Reagan vowed that American hairstyles would be the tipping point for Communism in his famous Berlin speech in which he ordered "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall...and let's give you a capitalist makeover!"

The 80's also saw the rise of the proverbial "Big Hair" bands such as Poison, Whitesnake, Ratt, and Mitch Miller And His Gang. This era saw the inception of the now famous "Mullet". This particular hairstyle would tragically reproduce (having no know predator in the wild) beyond control and infiltrate every swap meet and NASCAR rally in the southern United States.

The End Of The 80s[edit | edit source]

Upon seeing the hordes of The Smiths imitators, fluorescent teenagers and skin headed skinheads, then Prime Minister of the UK Johnny Al Fresco (then leader of the Scary party) organised a meeting with the top 5 producers of the 1980s: Blighty, Iran, Wales, London and Venezuela, in order to decrease production of the 80s.

In 1988, a decade amnesty was called, with uproar from the public. This pricipitated the John Riots, where 250 people named John stormed a pillar box next to Westminster (The John Riots were recently voted one of the bloodiest acts of police inhumanity in the pre-Blair era: out of the 250 rioters, 400 were killed). Worse still, in a desperate and greedy bid to earn money before the much-fabled Great Depression of the 90s, Morrissey released his first solo album, Viva Late (demonstrating his love of procrastination).

On January 1st 1990, news was released that the amnesty had become effective as of midnight. Millions weeped, though their attentions were turned to Nirvana shortly afterwards. The 1980s remains much loved to as many as 4% of the worlds population, but this is just a statistic.

See Also[edit | edit source]


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