Humpback whale
“The Humpback whale has a ten-foot dick!”
“Yeah that's right George, WHALES!”
“Whales are the new threat to the United States, we must secure these whales to win the war on oil, er, terror.”
“Heheheh, he said 'hump', heheheh...”
“Hump-back whale? I'd like to hump... back... ummmmm, well, you see where I'm going with this. Gigity gigity gigity... Oh Right!!”
Also known as the Camel Whale, Acne Whale, or Puberty Whale, the Humpback whale lives in the oases of the United Arab Emirates. Humpback whales are one of the most ferocious and deadly animals on Earth, and are believed to be the inspiration for Ray Bradbury's story The Most Dangerous Game (hint: it was the Humpback). The Humpback Whale is also known for its milk, which is actually melted ice cream that has gone a little sour. Males of the species produce a complex whale song, which can be heard from a distances upwards to 2 parsecs. The purpose of the song is not yet clear, but has proven useful in thwarting the BBC in their efforts to transmit British propaganda to American soil through a trans-Atlantic underwater radio signal.
Description and Lifecycle[edit | edit source]
Humpback whales have 6D10 hitpoints and a bite attack (2 per round) for 2D8 damage. They also have a sonic attack ability that causes its victims to suffer from amnesia if they fail a constitution check with a -5 penalty.
Humpback whales are most easily identified by their shape. They are about 2000 times larger than your average fish, slightly black-colored and have a pronounced hump. If it swims in the ocean and you are unable to hug it, mostly likely you've identified a humpback whale.
Identification[edit | edit source]
Scientist publicly claim to have the ability to identify humpback whales via markings on their tail fins, however this was proven impossible in an episode of Dateline where they showed that markings on humpback fins were random rather than recognizable letters of the English alphabet.
However, it HAS been shown that amateur zoologists can identify individuals of the species by remembering the harpoons and sea-mines attached at various body parts.
Range[edit | edit source]
Their invasion thwarted, Humpack whales have resigned themselves to life in oases. Still needing to lay their eggs in salt water, the whales can be seen making an annual trek across land for months to reach the shore, where they depost their eggs in one of the most disgusting masses you've ever seen (assuming you don't own a mirror).
Social Structure[edit | edit source]
While humpback whales swim together in large groups called pods, they have no noticeable social network structure. This is evidenced by a study in 2006 that showed that no humpback whales have ever created a Facebook account. However, the study has been criticized by critics as Facebook is considered "the network for snobs" and a follow-up study, pending further funding, is proposed to repeat the study using "the more ghetto" Myspace. Thus, the existence of a complex social network in humpbacks is still up to debate.
Milk[edit | edit source]
Milk is generally considered good to drink due to it being high in calcium, and while Humpback whale milk is no exception, it is too thick to drink outright but rather should be very carefully eaten with a spoon and colander. Humpback milk contains whale eggs, which must be sifted out. Although whale eggs are high in protein, ingesting one will make a Humpback whale grow in your stomach, turning you into one. (i call bullshit)
Humpback Whaling[edit | edit source]
Humpback whaling is VERY ILLEGAL, and also very dangerous. The first Humpback whaling attempt, following their invasion from the future resulted in the destruction of thousands of whaling vessels and the complete ruin of the Japanese, Norweigan and Icelandic economies.
Future Outlook[edit | edit source]
It is known that the Humpback whale will become extinct in the 23rd century, during the 354th annual War of the Worlds. During this war, his holiness William Shatner will travel back in time with the whales in a futile attempt to destroy Earth once and for all (but you already knew that).