Nikola Seceroski

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“Him be funny!”

~ Nikola Seceroski on Nikola Seceroski

“Never met a Šećeroski that I didn't like.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Nikola Seceroski

Nikola Šećeroski (Serbian: Никола Шећероски, Chinese: 维吾尔族自治特别行) was born in 1934 in Former Yugoslav Republic Formerly Known As Macedonia. He is, perhaps, the most famous inhabitant of the Earth. He is politician, painter, writer, musician, ex-basketball star, playboy and the horrifying mass-murderer. Despite the tons of evidence of Šećeroski's involvement in murders of over 200.000 people all across the world (most of which are believed to had happened in 80's, during his collaboration with Soviet general Kamshatov), he still manages to avoid facing the consequences of his crimes, hiding PUBLICALLY (!), which makes his case even weirder then the one of the Secret, scrotum-kicking Hungarians that come out of nowhere in the dark. He appears on TV, commercials, newspaper and radio-shows almost every day, evidences against him are being collected, yet there is no force that could make him become accused and convicted.

Personality[edit | edit source]

Nikola Šećeroski, depicted thinking about those two blondes, who had visited him the night before.

There is not much to be said about personality and appearance of Nikola Šećeroski. He is young, handsome, wealthy, with a good sense of humour, charming, all-around worker and artist, having pronounced english words with that irresistible Balkan accent. Girls want him, and guys want to be like him. From previous two sentences you could conclude that he is the only perfect person known (minus God), but it is not really so. In fact, it's not at all so. The thing for which there is so much material written, documented, recorded, taped and published about this man is his criminal past, a past of a remorseless murderer. And the fact that he is peacefully walking down the streets, with no particular action taken to hold him down. Below we'll write the analysis of his past, and the summary of events, so it's left to you to judge whether he had been one of the most odd killers in the history or just a modern, trendy, jet-set, square-jawed hunk.

Beginnings, friendship with Kamshatov, and Soviet MTV[edit | edit source]

Not much is there known about Šećeroski's early age. Some people say that he was always a natural basketball talent, with his height (168 cm) and weight (60 kg) making him stand like a giant above the others and always outjump and outmuscle his opponents in all the score areas. There are also stories about losing his virginity at the age of 6, banging three teenage sluts from his neighbourhood, who couldn't resist the attack of his overflowing testosterone. Apart from being a top sportsman and die-hard lover, his presence firstly came to air in his late fourties, when he moved to Serbia and started his political career. In 1981 he founded a political party called 'The Party Formerly Known As The Party Of Former Inhabitants Of The Former Yugoslav Republic Formerly Known As Macedonia'. He was describing himself as a person who stands in front of the Macedonian people. Those were the days when Yugoslavia was still the whole country (including Macedonia as its southern part), and the Macedonian diaspora in Serbia counting just 2.000 people, which made Seceroski's vision and politics rather unclear. With just 0.000012% of voters by his side in the 1983 (today it's still unclear whether his wife voted for him, at all) and small presence in the media, he declared his party officially defunct in 1984.

Šećeroski was desperate.

In the mid to late 80's the show called Two brushing hours with Šećeroski was one of the most popular of its kind, being broadcast on Soviet MTV.

With no job, party or money, it seemed that the fortune wasn't smiling upon him. He pondered over and over what is to be done, he even tried to commit suicide once, but the only thing that preserved him from doing such a horrible act was thought of his old paintings' gallery, consisted mostly of portraits, landscapes and - brushes and brooms paintings. He immediately turned the phone, calling his old friend from Moscow, komrad General Valeri Yegorovich Kamshatov, whom he met years before during his trip to USSR as an anonymous artist. They met on Easter of 1984. After a night of heavy drinking, the emotions between these two became stronger, and Kamshatov decided that he would use his power and authority to help his old friend.

In the following years, Šećeroski got from his komrade many things that made him popular among the people of Eastern Europe.

Ah, here it is - the television that made this humanity nemesis popular.

The fact is that the Soviet MTV wasn't only watched in USSR, but in the other eastern-bloc countries. The show called Two brushing hours with Šećeroski took it's place between 1985 to 1989 and it was breaking the records of audience numbers. It was hosted by Nikola Šećeroski himself, and there had been many popular guests from Pamela Anderson to late Urho Kekkonen. Despite the lack of understanding of the Šećeroski's famous fast and non-connected speech, and even though the guests would soon fall asleep in front of the cameras, being bored to death, the number of viewers rose from season to season. This show even led to the friendship with Šećeroski and Kekkonen, with late Finnish president allowing the host to wear his deadly glasses after his death. Not only had he got his own TV show, but Nikola would soon start his singing career. He released his first album in 1987 called I'm just a little girl, which sparkled 5 number-one hits, being heavily aired on Soviet MTV back then. The music from album was described as 'slimy-summer-moneymaking-teen-pop'. Apart from his presence in the media, he signed a lucrative contract with basketball club CSKA Moscow, leading the club to the four straight titles, and himself holding the Russian all-time records in scoring, rebounding, blocking, stealing, field goal %, 3pt % and being remembered as four-time MVP. His painting career was on it's peak, with possibility given to him to show his paintings in all significant galleries in Soviet Russia, making him the most wanted author.

His already huge popularity among the women rose day by day.

New elections and the Brushes and brooms affair[edit | edit source]

An odd-looking flag found in an abandoned hangar in Fiji that is thought to be the symbol of Šećeroski's secret Brushes & brooms guerilla.

On the wings of his enormous popularity, he came back to Yugoslavia in the summer of 1989, putting his musical, painter's and basketball career aside. He decided to compete in the new presidential elections. Now with almost every Yugoslav person knowing about him and admiring his persona, Nikola Šećeroski could hope for only the best. His slogan was I will sweep my opponents. But then it all started. His relationship with Kamshatov broke up when, during one dinner, Šećeroski ate all the Kamshatov's favorite pork-chops. Kamshatov could forget anything if he would felt to, but the loss of food - NO. He, literally, forced him out of Soviet Union, cancelling all his activities in media, art, music and sports. The angry general came to Yugoslavia and started talking about dirty stuff from the past. He revealed that Šećeroski was supplying both Canada and Fiji in their bloody conflict during late 80's with his deadly brushes and brooms. When he felt thet there was not enough blood-spilling, he decided to join the war on the Fijian side with his elite troops. They are thought to be the main reason for which the Canadian soldiers were swept away from the battlefield; though nobody knew about their presence in the war, since there is a questionable official story that neither Canadians nor Fijians called their allies to receive support. The island of Fiji was left under rule of Šećeroski's long time war companion and Macedonian co-resident, Trajanče Stojančev. When he came back to Russia, he was sent to Siberia to eliminate the anti-communists, using his experienced troops. Video-tapes shown by Kamshatov on the press conference in Belgrade were clearly showing blood-stained brushes' and broom's sticks, scattered all over the concentration camp, while others were showing people who were stabbed with those weapons through their assholes all the way to their mouths, being left to slow dying that lasts 4-6 days. Beside the videos, the pictures were depicting strange symbols, very similar to those that pirates were sporting, indicating what possibly was the secret sign of Šećeroski's guerilla. This act of Kamshatov turned out to be the act of a hungry, narrow-minded pig, since Šećeroski opened his soul and told all about his ex-companion war activities. But this case is the subject of another article (see: General Valeri Yegorovich Kamshatov).

Here we show the part of famous Šećeroski's interview to the Novosti newspapers from Belgrade:

  • Novosti: 'Are you the head of the Brushes & brooms guerilla?'
  • Nikola Šećeroski: 'No, I'm not.'

And here we show the part of the newspapers war between Šećeroski and Kamshatov (also on Novosti pages):

  • Kamshatov: 'You are the head of Brushes & brooms guerilla!'
  • Šećeroski: 'Shut your mouth, you fat pig.'

Now, having completely lost the elections' run, feeling let down by his sometime-friends, Šećeroski decided to go west. In the spring of 1990 he moved to USA.

His already huge popularity among the women rose day by day.

Šećeroski goes west[edit | edit source]

Dream team's starting line-up with Nikola Šećeroski as center. Could anyone actually beat these guys?
Šećeroski's #2 jersey in Cleveland Cavaliers, retired in 2004.

Again, with no job, party or money, he was forced to enter the D-class ship to America. He even didn't have enough money to pay the whole ticket, so that he was forced to agree with the captain to clean the deck (ironically, using both brush and broom, one in each hand). Not a good start for an American dream story. On the dry, he was also forced to clean with brush and broom to earn for living, now in restaurants. Self-assured, he applied for 1990 NBA draft. Aged 56, he holds the record of being the youngest draftee in history of NBA so far. He was picked 1st overall by Phoenix Suns, and had played for them, Miami Heat and (most years) for Cleveland Cavaliers until his retirement in 2004. Cleveland has also his #2 jersey retired. He won 14 straight MVP titles (1991-2004), being also the league's all- time leader in rebounding, blocking, stealing, field goal %, 3pt % and free throw %. With his height (168cm) and weight (60kg) he looked like a giant among the (poor) other players, who had often been afraid to enter the duels against this offensive and defensive dynamo. His good plays earned him fame, money, women and - US citizenship. With the green card in his pocket he was chosen to be the one of the 12 mythical basketball players to compete in 1992 Olympic games in Barcelona. Comprising him, Jordan, Magic, Barkley, Mullin and others, this team was called Dream Team and has (litterally) swept away all it's opponents. Šećeroski, again, voted the MVP, scoring almost every point for his team. USA fans knew how to please this basketball star, by carrying flags with brushes and brooms drawn on them, while cheering his name.

There is also one famous quote, from 1992 Sports illustrated magazine. When traded to Miami Heat, Šećeroski switched his usual #9 jersey number to #2. here is the part of the interview:

  • Sports Illustrated: 'Why did you change your jersey number from #9 to #2?'
  • Šećeroski: 'Well, God is the first.

For his achievements and improvement of the game, he was inducted Basketball Hall Of Fame in 1997, therefore being the only player to be honoured that way while still in his active playing years.

His already huge popularity among the women rose day by day

Musical career[edit | edit source]

He had one album recorded in his Soviet MTV era, and a few of them recorded while in USA. While his first album was more pop-oriented, on the later albums he sharpened his edge, turning more to heavy metal. Videos from both his Soviet MTV-era album and his USA albums were heavily aired, earning him fame, money and women.


This man truly admires the achievements of Nikola Šećeroski.
  • Just A Little Girl (1987, Hammer & Sickle Records)
  • Brush Me, Sweep Me (1992, UncleSam records)
  • Broommates (1994, UncleSam records)
  • If Russia Was Brush-a (1997, UncleSam records)
  • It's Raining Brushes And Brooms (1999, UncleSam records)
  • Dark Side Of The Broom (2001, UncleSam records)
  • I Killed 200.000 People, And Noone Can Do Anything About it (2004, UncleSam records)
  • Brush'n'Broom Hallelujah: The Very Best Of Nikola Šećeroski (2006, UncleSam records)

His already huge popularity among the women rose day by day

Paintings[edit | edit source]

Considered to be as one of the world's finest artists. See why. (Picture names are written below). Here are his most significant efforts.

Quotes[edit | edit source]

  • Evidence?! I can wipe my ass with your evidence!
  • Are you serious? What can be so unstylish about killing people?
  • If Nikola Šećeroski did not exist, he would have to be invented.
  • Shake it, baby!

Contributions to the humanity[edit | edit source]

Yeah, right.

Song about him[edit | edit source]

Devastated about his escape to the west, Soviet people, who liked Nikola Seceroski so much, wrote a song about him. So, alongside the fact that he was an artist, there was the masterpiece of art made aboud him, and here are the words:

  • It was all like yesterday,

you had all the glory,

  • now we cry in bitterness

at the end of story.

  • Every sunday we would

watch your TV show,

  • The two brushing hours

would give us a blow.

  • You had the authority

like that of a ruler,

  • hadn't you gone westwards

it would have been cooler.

  • You knew how to block,

shoot, rebound and pass,

  • never ever have we seen

such a handsome ass.

  • But then you let Jordan,

Barkley, Bird and Ewing

  • drag you to the locker room

and give you face shampooing.

  • In our minds you'll always

be the guy who rocks,

  • but now it's all over,

you can suck our cocks.

See also[edit | edit source]