Secret, scrotum-kicking Hungarians that come out of nowhere in the dark

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A young Hungarian, caught in the dark by the police and prevented from scrotum-kicking people

Secret, scrotum-kicking Hungarians that come out of nowhere in the dark (shortly: Hungarians) are people that inhabit the poor and cowardly state of Hungaria, but they can also be found in many countries such as Austria, Germany, Uzbekistan, and Russia. Their mother language is Hungarish, but it has been rarely heard due to the Hungarians' secret personalities. Large percent of Hungarian men is living secretly in the places that have no light by night nor by day. Those places are mostly the ones that people go to when they feel like peeing or extracting fecal matter. The mysticism of Hungarians consists of the facts that they hardly can be seen, so they sneak quietly to the person that has just unzipped it's pants in the dark, pee-friendly corner, and they kick the person's scrotum hard. Many people, vastly the foreign tourists had been dying in Hungary as a result of scrotum-kicking, and many of them were lucky to have had survived the consequences of this lethal war-technique. First, it was Hungary where people had been dying of scrotum-kicking inflicted wounds, but when this land started to export it's inhabitants, there were several similar cases in Ukraine, Romania, Fiji, Antarctica and even Atlantic Ocean. So,today we have many countries that check the imported people from Hungary, often sending them back, unpacked, as there is a high risk that a Hungarian person is an expert scrotum-kicker. However, there is a large channel system in Europe for trading Hungarians illegally. In 2004, 341 people throughout Europe were arrested for scrotum-kickers'-smuggling.

Origins of the term[edit | edit source]

Boxes containing several dozens of illegally imported Hungarians, confiscated and stored in Ukraine police department

This lethal war-technique had been a part of Hungarian tradition, and it takes back from 9th century AD, when these people had been settling Europe. It is mentioned in their national epic songs, and here is an example:

Thou died young, thus we all see those bastards scrotum-kicketh thee (a mother mourning his young, tender-aged son, who was a warrior killed with a sharp and precise scrotum kick).

As song tells, there had been much scrotum-kick fighting between different Hungarian tribes, but this technique had been also used to fight their foreign opponents and invaders. Since back then there were no larger buildings or cities, whose shadows would provide cold and dark places, guerilla warriors were hiding in the bushes, woods, stables, and the stronger ones would take a deep breath and go under the lake. In 16th century, with Turkish empire on its peak, almost whole Hungarian territory was conquered, but isn't stayed long. There were not much real battles, as Magyars all fled to the woods, and then surprisingly scrotum-kicked most of the Turkish soldiers. When in the union with Austria, Hungary managed to have its own crown. One day when it was declared by Austrian Habsburg leaders that this crown is to be put out of use, Franz Ferdinand and his wife were brutally killed with scrotum-kicking in Sarajevo, Bosnia. This event is wrongly affiliated to a rebellious Serb, Gavrilo Princip, and it accidentally led the world to another blood spilling conflict called World War One. When it was revealed that the Serbs are not guilty for the assassination the Austrian emperor, it was too late, and the squirrels had already taken power all over the Earth.

Legacy[edit | edit source]

The famous Szeged scrotum-kicking university, circa 2001

Again, since scrotum-kicking is part of Hungarian national tradition and identity, it is a patent since 1956. So, if you perform scrotum-kicking, and you're not a Hungarian, or you don't possess the scrotum-kicking license,you will be sued,and arrested as well. To get a license, you need to graduate in a Szeged scrotum-kicking high school to become an advanced scrotum-kicker and Szeged scrotum-kicking university to become an expert one. So far, a number of 3000 foreigners have attended these schools. Remember that ONLY born, ethnic Hungarians are experts, and that is a gift that they receive from mother nature just by birth. This gift had been given to a very small number of non-Hungarian people (see below), who had deserved it for some other reasons. However, wearing Calvin Klein clothing will improve your scrotum-kicking powers due to him being a Hungarian himself, and he is an expert at scrotum-kicking.

More facts and interesting stuff[edit | edit source]

  • Contrary to the widespread disbelief, scrotum-kickers CAN'T fly!
  • Scrotum-kickers are a bad example to the children.
  • When you mix a Hungarian, salt, nuts and mineral water you get heroin.
  • Scrotum-kick had been voted a Lethal weapon of the year prize in 1976, 1977, 1982, 1989, 1999, 2000, 2001 and 2004.
  • About 15,8% out of Hungarian population are illiterate.
  • 27.3% of them can't either write or read.
  • When a scrotum-kicker dies, nobody gives a fuck.
  • Women from scrotum-kickers' families grow beards, and often take part in national sport teams and rarely perform this technique; the ones who perform scrotum-kicking technique shave their beards and don't show in public.
  • The street term for non-hungarians who kick people in the scrotum.......does not exsist, they know better...
  • 'Scrotum-kickers' is a song from Led Zeppelin's 1974 album 'Shit happens,and to prevent shit from happening, eat peanuts'
  • 'Lausanne scrotum-kickers' is a name of a successful Swiss ice hockey team.
  • Movies like 'Terminator', 'Pulp fiction', 'Jurassic park', 'Godzilla', 'Mortal Kombat', 'Italian job', 'Romeo and Juliet', 'Hair' and many more are inspired by scrotum-kicking.
  • According to some fake scientists, Secret Scrotum-kickers are a sort of degenerate form of ninja that was brought into existence when an group of ninja became stranded in Hungary after battling some pirates. Some of the Hungarians quickly took up the ways of the ninja but didn't get it quite right, and it is evident that they will never be as awesome as ninja.
  • Other fake scientists claim that the Scrotum-kickers will never actually be awesome at all. None were ever seen again.
  • The only thing more lethal than a roundhouse kick from God is a kick to the scrotum.

People who can't be hurt by scrotum-kicking[edit | edit source]


Franz LisztBéla LugosiViktor OrbánHarry Houdini50 ForintBéla Bartók • Nelson from The Simpsons Ha ha!
Hungarian languageSecret, scrotum-kicking Hungarians that come out of nowhere in the dark

Atilla's Barca Lounger * Buda's Place * The Hungarian Province of Romania * Zolton's Paprika Palace * Bull's Slaughter of Eger